World AIDS Day

(for my 1st time with my bf Josh you have to scroll down a little)

I have a bunch of other updates to my blog.. but of course I have to say something about world AIDS day since that is today (Dec 1st).

For me of course that is weird. You all know I am HIV+ and my T-Cells dip down on and off under the level where I "officially" have AIDS and am not 'just' POZ. Right now it's back up. So far, I haven't had much problems, other than the side effects of my meds (throwing up or feel queasy) and 'the runs' sometimes.

For the longest time, I thought "(RED)" is some marketing gag by Starbucks where my bf Josh drags me all the time. I hate to go places I don't know, because I studder so bad, and I am always afraid people start talking to me, or he puts me on the spot. But he likes Starbucks coffee, even though he keeps complaining about it when they run out of drip or have no straws etc. (he always puts a straw in his venti drip).

I guess I should have known (RED) is to support the fight against AIDS but how could I know? I stayed away from anything with the logo, because I didn't want to fill the coffers of the likes of Starbucks etc. Till I found out its actually in some way or another for me, too. An AIDS fight support thing. But mostly, to help some niggers in Africa. OK so, I purposely said "nigger". That is what Josh gets me for, all the time. I know the people in Africa are not 'niggers' amd those that have and get AIDS are off way worse than me. I know I struggle with the Health Care (and my work has a plan!! - even without the Obama stuff). I struggle with the co-pay a lot ($$$) but their is no way I could afford the meds by myself.

Now the people in Africa know even less. They don't know what AIDS is, how they get it, they don't know about condoms. etc. For sure they can't get medicine, they can't afford it if they knew there is meds, and most still think it's a curse. That is really sad.

I guess I should feel guilty that I am poz, Just for fucking around high on drugs and getting it somehow. OK I hear the people in Africa also get it from fucking around and cheating, and it's mostly straight folks, but its not like me partying.

I could blame Ryan I guess, the guy I was with at the time who really got me on drugs, was whoring me out like crazy, and got me into so many gang bangs. But whats the point. He's been in jail for a long time, got out early, managed to screw up again in a couple months, and now he is back in for good. Probably till he dies. I know what it's like inside, so I am not going to be mad at him. He is gonna get screwed so bad like hes been already. I guess once youre fucked up in the head it stays. I am not much different really.

But I am staying on the straight edge, only cos of Josh. I love him and (or: BUT) I am so scared of him what he is doing if I go off on the deep end again (i.e get high). Either he dumps me so fast (and I couldn't live without him) or he fucks me up so bad for it, that I am not even THINKING of doing something dumb. The time Ryan was out (and right after my ass) was the worst. It's so hard to say "NO" to Ryan. At least it is for me. I was with him for so long and he knows me inside and out. From when I was 17 till when he got arrested and sentenced (and when I found out I was pos) at 23. I would still say the time with him was a ride through hell ........ and so exciting!

But I wouldn't want to go through it again. I know better now. Back then, out of foster care and then jail, I was so happy to be with Ryan, and it felt all great. I was getting high and do it with older guys, and with pain, since I was 15. So it wasn't like 'weird'.

Of course I know and remember how hot it was to get high and do gang bangs, S/M to the extreme kink, and all that other stuff. WOW. But once I found out I was pos because of it, I really sobered up and quit drugs and shortly after that got with Josh. And he has like a "zero tolerance" thing going with drugs. Once and I am out. And he means it!!!

My doc is really good - and yet, he used to be one of the guys who would be in on a LOT of those parties Ryan set up for gang bangs where everyone was high as a kite and then some. NOW he lays the doctor thing one me, and tells me stay away from drugs, to always use a condom, blah blah blah. That is so (!) hypocritical. I wonder if he still has a stash of Tina, GHB, and cola (like he used to!! plus the prescription drugs he could get so easy being a doc) and wants to fuck young boys bare like he used to. But he's been so often up my ass back then, but he seems to have forgotten that. At least I know who I'm dealing with, and not some stranger whose got "issues" with POZ gays. And now I am 10 years past his age range at 28, so he is chill with me :-)

I don't know what the future holds for me. I take it one day at a time. I guess I am lucky compared to the people in Africa or in other countries where they don't have good meds and docs (is Africa a country or what?).

I have a boyfriend I love with everything I have, I am extremely lucky to have a boyfriend who fucks like GOD and who treats me like I need it. He may look like an ass hole sometimes but he really isn't. Deep down he's a nice guy he just has a hard time showing it, and he just is totally horny all the time and needs to stick his dick somewhere to get off, that's just his nature. And of course all the other guys who find out that he fucks like God want him too, so I shouldn't be and can't be jelous of them or mad at them.

Really, I think it was fate when he took  me home for a 1-night-stand. Thats like way over 3 years ago now. I knew it was going to be special, I had a gut feeling from the moment I saw him at The Eagle. Long before he talked to me and took me home. I don't think he knew till the next morning. When we got to his place that night and he started to just beat the living crap out of me (and not like do the usual: get high, drop the pants, fuck me, and kick me out), I got scared but I knew either this is a crazy serial killer or something, or something really good. I rarely got beat like that since one of my foster dads, but I never got fucked THAT good (and like he's been saying since, half of Dallas has been up my ass). I think he liked it that I shot a fat load several feet off. He still beat me some more, anyway. And he really wailed on my balls that night.

The one thing that made the difference between a one-night stand and what we have now is ONE (1) word the morning after.

ONE word can make ALL the difference in life!

When he woke me up (rudely ... like he was pissed that I was still there) and asked if I wanted another round of the same (he just said "want it again?") - I KNEW that he expected me to say "no fucking way let me out of here" or something along that line, and that this was what most guys said to him if they really stayed that long. LOL I said "yes" and after a second, "please", and I saw it in his eyes that I so fucking S-C-O-R-E-D by saying just "yes". He did really let me have it, a LOT worse than the night before. I was still super sore, my balls were hurting, but I KNEW that was the love of my life an there was NO WAY I would buckle.

"Love of my life" sounds cheesy and that's not what I would have called it then. But if you were a foster kid and your mom put you in the trash and kept your twin brother instead, and you go through hell like me, you know when you know that you found what you crave. I knew deep down this was the guy I was wanting to be with and who I wanted to dig me. He could not have done anything that would have swayed me. I just locked on and I wouldn't let go. And haven't since.

He really put me on a test and really hurt me and then fucked me while he was still trying to break my balls. At 11 am in the morning ...LOL. Even though I felt sick and was so close to throwing up, I didn't let it ruin things, and he got off soooooo good, .... - and I splattered a HUGE load again, too, right against the wall. It really actually SPLATTERED and he was impressed that I could or would cum that good even though he hit me and my balls so much and I was crying hard when he came inside me.

But he is the horniest guy I have EVER (!) met and even he was impressed with that, and that I didn't buckle when he asked me "again?". That one thing made all the difference. He didn't admit it of course, but since, I "got to stick around" - as he calls it (I can say now, he is my boyfriend without smacking me for it - even though he won't *say* it, "boyfriend"). The way he gets off with me, it's GOT to be good for him (and I don't think any of the other really cute guys he keeps fucking do the same for him). But for sure it's good for me when he fucks me like God and I get off for him and from him with one of the 8-foot-splatterers only he can make me do ... that keeps me alive. I gladly put up with all the other stuff he puts me through - just for the feeling of me getting him off by far the best and what it's like for me.

So, overall, for World AIDS DAY, I can't complain.

Except for maybe I am POS and not clean (and can't turn it back). I'll die from AIDS one day.

An my boyfriend won't let me move in with him, so I can sleep with him every night and be around him all the time. Maybe one day he will let me move in with him. I am in his bed 5 nights a week, and he can't get enough of me. And yet, he wants the option to kick me out and make me miserable waiting to come back.


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So, today, Friday

He woke me up for the second time and says if I don't have the doc appointment today and I'm late. I don't want to get up, I'm WORN OUT. But I dont need to get hit now so I somehow get up and out and to the bathroom. I am fucking late, I got to hurry. I feel sick and in the bathroom I go down before the pot and want it to get over with but all that comes out is some green stuff and just stings my throat. The shower I turn on the hot only, it burns like hell but it helps some. After a couple minutes I have to turn on a little cold or I get really burned. I dont know, sometimes I like hurting myself a little. My legs are still kind of wobbly and my ass hurts like hell. Its hard to stand up straight cos my balls feel like their handing from barb wire and every little move I make makes them spin. The hot water helps with my muscles tho, and I dont feel so sore when I get out. But I got to hurry I cant be late.

On the way my truck is acting up some. My truck is really cool and I put a lot of work in it but some days she is like she doesnt want to go and the carbs spit back. After 2 miles or so shes running ok tho. I really dont need her fighting me today.

I make it like 1 minute in time for the doc. Its like one of the worst things, it always shakes me when I have to go for checks and all the blood test, cos it reminds me being poz. The cute guy he has for the front desk gave me this weird look when I check in. He's such a fag, you know the type who is like dressed up and all faggy like a girl. I bet the doc nails him or he wouldnt have the job. Way back when I was a junkie he used to nail me all the time and he's one kinky motherfucker. In the office hes putting up this act of like being the good doc and tells me not to mess around and how I'm doing and all that crap, like he's a diff person. But since I found out I'm poz be's being real nice to me, and safe from him wanting nothing from me anymore. When I get in, he says I look like shit what the hell have I been doing. At least he says it like he means it and not like being a smart ass. Sometimes it helps I studder so I dont even have to try anything stupid to give him some lame story.

Today I just want it to get over with, and after hes done with pulling all the blood and everything he finally lets me go. No I just have to wait till next Friday to see if anything changed since last time and if I have to go on meds or something. I so hope I dont. The waiting a week sucks. Why can't they do this faster??

After I'm done I stop at McD's and pig out. I like never do that anymore but it's like only after I've been to the doc I do it for protest, like I'm really showing him. I know its bullshit cos he wont even know, but hey. Today I didnt even get finished half with the burger and maybe 4 fries and I feel I'm really going to be sick. I almost didnt make it to the pot at McD and I lose it hard, like almost splatters. Sorry this is a bit gross. Weird but I feel a lot better, just so weak. I wish I cold have another hot shower right now.

More or less I drag myself back out to my truck, its still hard to stand and walk, cos of my balls. My manager knows I'm at the doc, so I'm not really in no hurry to get to work and sit in my truck for a long while till I feel a little better.

Just before lunch I get their and my manager runs into me in the parking lot and gives me this look. Back when I started the job almost 5 years ago and was always late and missed work a lot cos I was so hi all the time, he kinda helped me out a lot and didn't fire me. If I was him, I would have fired me, a LOT! But he didnt. Toda he gave me this look again like ohoh somethings wrong whatsup, but he didnt say nothing, only that I looked like I was ready for lunch and if I wanted to go with him, was lunch time anyways. I can't really say no, its not like a lot that he asks, maybe every other month once. It's nice tho, we went to this diner and it smelled really good in their and I was really hungry and didnt feel like I was going to feel sick again. And he's like all nice, like this fatherly kind of attitude, if I'm allright and how the doc stuff went, all that. I bet he noticed I had a little trouble walking and all, but he didnt say anything, and I just said I got sick a little last night and all is ok. Seemed like he bought it.

Back at work I got kind of lucky. Shane got in a fight with someone when I was still at the docs, and everyone was like tense and just doing their own shit. My manager didnt say anything about it earlier at lunch, but after I got back it seemed like it was a big thing. Anyway so nobody bothered me and it was kind of slow, so I didnt have to hurry and deal with the pain from my balls slow. Cody said something about me when he came by once, if I got together with that married woman again and if she used me up or what. I didnt say anything. Thats a thing I made up once when they guys were bugging the hell out of me about a black eye and me hurting really bad, and I can't always tell them I got jumped or got in a fight, I dont have the kind of badass attitude to pull it off so they believe it. So I came up with this married woman, and I said she's like older and into real kinky stuff but like a real hot bitch to fuck. I cant believe they buy this crap but it works and they never even think I take it up the ass and like it. Breeders can really be that dumb. I bet Cody doesnt even know what kinky is, hehe. He's got 3 kids so he and his wife must of had sex somehow. Like Shane, tho, I bet he knows all about kink and I can think he likes pain stuff too but no crazy bitch would be with him for too long. He goes thru girlfriends fast, but I can think half of them he makes up. The other ones are real and I bet he drags them to work just to show off. He's something else.

After work I drove right over to my bfs house. He didnt call me first and I didnt call him but he came like 5 minutes after I got their, and he wasnt surprised. Like hes ever surprised by anything. I wanted him to see how I was still hurting, and I guess he felt a little bad for me. He took me out for dinner, and it was NICE. Most times I love being out with him, cos it makes me feel good for people to see what a hot guy I have. Of course they dont know anything, just 2 guys out to eat. But I dont care. Today it also felt like i could show off how much I suffer for him and how much I'm his bitch. Is stupid cos nobody knows but it makes me feel good. He said he quit his cover job today, got too annoying, and hes starting another one at a diff place and they even pay him more. LOL he is a piece of work... he said it like he told he changed shirts today. Just like that.

Back at his place hes been working all evening on something hacking away at his techie stuff. I felt bad for not doing my blog, cos I was wanting to keep it up but this week was just kind of crazy. I a about ready to crash, feel like I've been put thru the hoops. He is prolly gonna work late, I dont mind I can sleep some.

Catching up on Wednesday

Ok. So i didnt get to write something all week so I'm catching up. Wow its like this all just comes out I wish I could talk like this. Yeah well. I'm wondering tho if he ever reads this im gonna be in a world of trouble or he lets me slide. I'm real curious what he thinks but also way scared to tell him. Some day he is gonna find out tho. But its also like I cant stop. And maybe a little so I leave something when I die from the aids when I get it. With the HIV its like I have a noose around my neck and I can drop any second and its over. Most days I dont think about it just every time in the days before I have to go to a checkup again its coming back and like hard. But that was today, on Friday, and I'm still writing for Wednesday.

So Wednesday morning I wake up cos I get cold and when I open my eyes its cos he pulled the blanket away and when I open my eyes he hits me in the balls, like with a total nasty suckerpunch. He LOVES it when he gets me cold like when I'm not thinking he would and I know him so most times I watch out like fuck. Gets me good and I curl up and hold my balls and try not to be so wimpy but then I think it turns him on so finally I get fucked. But nooooo he just gets up and grins and goes to set coffee. Fuck. Then he comes back and holds my T from last night and says seems like today I HAVE to wear one of his and hes ok with it. And tells me to get up and dressed and to get lost. Hes like so cold some days. I'm at work like 1 hour early and in a really crappy mood. The manager is late so everyones their waiting and Shane tries to chat me up some but I'm in no fucking mood and get snappy with him. He's getting ticked off some but then just before I get on his shit list for the day the new guy shows up, like just before the manager and Shane gets all set to make his day miserable and I'm scott-free. Isnt helping my mood tho, and its good I work by myself or someone gets the brunt of my crap. But theirs a lot of customers today so I got busy and the day goes by fast. Shane is on the new guy all day, if he keeps it up to the rest of the week the guy is gonna quit. After lunch it almost looked like he was gonna cry. What a wimp. Just takes the next guy to get on Shane's shit list and he wont have nothing to worry about. Shane can be a total ass tho.

At lunch I go early and by myself. Im feeling crappy and unhappy but i'm hungry and wednesdays they have a special for spagetti. Just $2.99 and its reall not bad or anything. I'm almost done, like just dipping the soce with the bread and my bf calls and says hey dont eat anything today. I know why, hes in the mood to go a little crazy tonight and doesnt want me to throw up. He doesnt even have to say it. I'm thinking should I say I already had the spagetti or should I say ok and just go and make myself throw up right now but then lying is the worst with him and before I can try saying anything theirs this call for number whatever and he knows where I'm at and just says too late huh? So he says we do it tomorrow and thats hes got something to do anyways and hangs up. FUCK. I never do anything right. Now he doesnt even want me to come over tonight. Totally wasnt helping with my mood, I was PISSED OFF at myself. And everyone else. Lucky I dont have much to do with the customers, and I'm just doing my shit and slamming stuff around and just before quitting time I hurt my arm on one of the lift just being mad and stupid. Helped me calm down some tho.

So after work I got my laundry and went to the coin wash place. Only people that dont speak english, only 1 other white guy their and lots of fat womens and little kids but I got to grind it out. I'm like super ticked off but after I got all my stuff done and I'm out of the place I got that behind me at least and I feel better. I was going to go eat something but I feel guilty about eating lunch before my normal lunch time when he called and its like I can punish myself by not eating anything. I was tired anyways so after getting home I went right to sleep. And glad another stupid fucking day without him is over.

Boring Day

For a Monday it was real slow at work today... boring. Sat around on my ass most of the day. At lunch me and some of the guys drove over to this big tasco place. Was fun, like 9 of us piling in Greg's old Suburban. Most days I go grab a sandwich or somethin and catnap half an hour in my truck.

Called my bf to see if I could come over after work. A lot of times I just go and wait for him to get home but when I'm like tired or cold I call, been waiting so many times for hours near his place till he got home late. He said yeah if I want but he's in the mood for something thats really gonna hurt so it's up to me if I want or not. He didn't sound like he really wanted me over tonight and I'm still hurting from yesterday and was real tired anyways so I went to my place and like went to sleep a little. I'm always so way behind on sleep. Am kind of glad I could chose to go or not I need a break evryonce in a wile. Tomorrow is another day.

So theirs not really much to tell today. Got nice and warm tho most of the day.

Friday I need to go to my checkup at the doc's again. T-cell counts and all that. Hope he's just gonna say its all good still. Glad when thats over again.

My BF's ex-ex

I guess I'm not that good at this blog cos I'm forgetting stuff. I was gonna write some about that ex-ex of my bf, the guy on the ranch. I'm like real curious about them. Thats the ex and the guys bf. I know I'm not gonna get to go along. My bf doesnt really say like exactly why, but from what I got, it's like he feels his ex got to say OK or fail to whoever hes bringing their.

Now I don't know if hes not wanting to get a bad signal for like ME or if he wouldn't bring me anyways cos then he'd have to say I'm poz, I cant speak right (like that the guy would figure out easy), maybe not say what all I did before. From what I hear the ex is like my bf, like this righteous thing, like its their way or no way, all us Americans are dumb stupid fucks, you know. But he, thats my bf now, he says his ex is more texan like people born here and I've seen pics and both the guys are like FAT!!!! and they look like country folk. If he hadnt told me I'd think their just normal people like every other redneck I know. But he and his ex they talk a lot on the phone, and like their real close like good friends still. They split up like years ago, many years. All the other ex's of my bf arent like that, most he kinda hates. Except one thats driving me crazy.

I think foreigners are like totally different. I LOVE mine but it's not like I understand him a lot. All the guys I always know, that are gay I mean, they get with a guy, fuck him a while and that it and they dump him and get the next guy. They just call it boyfriends and breakup, cos it sounds nicer. Or you just get to hook up a couple times, bend over as long as its good for the other guy and then its just over and they wont even tell you. OK for me its always been a bit different cos I'm just a fuckup but thats sort of how it goes.

My boyfriend is like totally different from anybody I know. OK some things I've always heard about some foreigners are like totally true. Like he's totally into kink and into ruff. He can't even get a boner for some vanilla stuff. Deep down their all nazis but they get all real mad if you say it. Like this: so he likes to watch all kinds of stuff about WWII but then he goes on and on and on how bad they were and thats its so unfair that everyone thinks of them just as nazi-likers. But hes got a Nazi knife to open his letters with and when we watch some nazi stuff on his TV shows hes getting a HUGE boner and I always get my brains fucked out. Like the other day, he had some documentary about german prisoners after WWII on and they were like POWs of us, and then it was like he took it out on me after. OK I got off like I havent in a while with him but it so fucking hurt. I could totally see him in a nazi camp really fucking over a lot of guys and loving it. thats just one thing.

I think foreigners are like really harsh. It's like their set in one way and theirs like totally absolutely nothing that gets them out of that way. like an engine on a track, try to stop that or get it off the track. Its like, every time I try to say something about why we cant be boyfriends and why I can't move in, it's like NO and he socks me cos hes thinking it got settled once and thats it. Like forever. Or with friends. Its like your his friend or his enemy. And if your his enemy your screwed for LIFE. I've seen like this one guy once. He kinda knew my bf from way back when but was on his bad list but I guess he figured after all this time it was like over or forgiven or whatever. And with like not one word, my bf socks him right in the face and its like bleeding crazy. The guy was like totally surprised and cried but my bf said dude I told you back then to stay the fuck away. That totally blew me away. I mean he wouldnt even talk to him, just BAM and thats that.

In a way I'd love to meet his ex, just cos I would see if their all the same or if thats just him, my bf. I know they cant all be such tuff badasses like him but still.

It's like they've got all these rules that only they know and its like this minefield cos you never know what your stepping on. For my bf its like the number #1 rule: never lie. Thats about the worst thing for him, lying. And then, like betrayal. Its like those can never be forgiven. And once your a friend its like a real friend and its really fucken hard to screw that up whatever you do. I mean its got to be really bad to mess it up then. But cos its so black and white, whats that mean for me? I know he digs me and in some way he cares for me a lot or be wouldnt let me hang around and make me get my ASE and all that. But I cant help thinking if I'm like his ex when he wasnt his ex yet, or just some fuck meat hes just using for a lot longer then most. Now I love when hes talking foreign to me when hes fucking me cos its HOT but its not so nice when hes talking with his ex and I dont know what their talking about. I've heard him say Kevin so their talking about me sometimes but he never tells me what.

It would prolly help me a lot if I could get to meet his ex some day and I'd be on my like totally best behavior but maybe understand him better. Its like I feel so stupid anyways cos my bf can speak other languges and his ex too, and he knows so much about like everything and I dont, and I dont even know all the mines I can step on all the times to fuck things up.

Kinko's and the N-word

wow I should of have started this blog thing a long time ago. I just looked and what I just wrote got like really long. Its nice to WRITE what I mean, cos with people and SAYING it I can never get it out right. Don't know if this is really good for me, I might just blog me into real trouble with my bf but maybe when I tell him about my blog some time he knows what I feel for him and how much I love him, since I can never get it out all to tell him and he never wants to hear it anyways. Like the "boyfriend" thing, just saying the word is making trouble.

I forgot we went to go to Kinko's after eating, so he could get some box to put a poster in. He's been wanting to visit his ex-ex, like the one guy hes been with for a long time, another foreigner whos now like all cowboy on a ranch way out south. I'm glad the faggy Brokeback Mountain poster is gone. It's like soo (!!) not him, but he says he got it for a present and he thinks his ex and the exs bf like it. I'm just glad when its gone. So at the Kinko's hes asking this guy at the counter for the box (like hes gonna ship it, he just wants it for the drive down to the ranch) and this dude goes all gaga over him. This is like the second time in a day goddamit. He's like hes gonna bend over right their and flirting and running like way back to get just one of them stupid boxes. I gave him like these really mean looks like dude you better fuck the hell off, but the guy is like just ignoring me. My bf was just like amused, he doesnt like it when guys get too giddy anyways and he wasnt his type. Still, I fucking hate it.

But what I was wanting to say is on the way in to the Kinkos theirs like this N*****. I guess I can't say that on here... I set the blog to "adult" and all but... So theirs this black guy and hes like all loud talking to the thing in his ear. I know it's like the headset for his celly but like my bf always says it looks like a hearing aid. I was just wanting to rant about black people. I HATE them. I know its like harsh to say, and their all fucked themself just cos their black. And like me, I should say nothing anyways, cos I'm poz, I got a long record, I can't say nothing right out, I like dick up my ass and lots of kink weird shit, and their just got dark skin. So but still, I HATE black people. Cos their just using it like so much for excuse their all fucked up just cos their black, and they aint got no chance whatever.

But their no better then anyone else. Like, when you got a black guy in front of you and he knows your behind them they make you wait just cos they can, and just cos their black and your white. Or like when they cross the road in front of you. And if they can get a white guy and nobodys looking you get FUCKED UP. I never forget, in juvi, any 1 white guy and a couple black guys and it was HELL on earth. Its like they want to make you pay for whatevers been happening to ALL their people, and just make you alone pay for everything. Thats so fuckin unfair. If you got under a couple times by a bunch of black guys, you would hate them too even if your feeling bad for them like in general.

So when this loud back fucker was waling by yelling at this bug in the ear, I kind ahad to flinch some and I got already ticked off before we even got into the Kinko's.