World AIDS Day

(for my 1st time with my bf Josh you have to scroll down a little)

I have a bunch of other updates to my blog.. but of course I have to say something about world AIDS day since that is today (Dec 1st).

For me of course that is weird. You all know I am HIV+ and my T-Cells dip down on and off under the level where I "officially" have AIDS and am not 'just' POZ. Right now it's back up. So far, I haven't had much problems, other than the side effects of my meds (throwing up or feel queasy) and 'the runs' sometimes.

For the longest time, I thought "(RED)" is some marketing gag by Starbucks where my bf Josh drags me all the time. I hate to go places I don't know, because I studder so bad, and I am always afraid people start talking to me, or he puts me on the spot. But he likes Starbucks coffee, even though he keeps complaining about it when they run out of drip or have no straws etc. (he always puts a straw in his venti drip).

I guess I should have known (RED) is to support the fight against AIDS but how could I know? I stayed away from anything with the logo, because I didn't want to fill the coffers of the likes of Starbucks etc. Till I found out its actually in some way or another for me, too. An AIDS fight support thing. But mostly, to help some niggers in Africa. OK so, I purposely said "nigger". That is what Josh gets me for, all the time. I know the people in Africa are not 'niggers' amd those that have and get AIDS are off way worse than me. I know I struggle with the Health Care (and my work has a plan!! - even without the Obama stuff). I struggle with the co-pay a lot ($$$) but their is no way I could afford the meds by myself.

Now the people in Africa know even less. They don't know what AIDS is, how they get it, they don't know about condoms. etc. For sure they can't get medicine, they can't afford it if they knew there is meds, and most still think it's a curse. That is really sad.

I guess I should feel guilty that I am poz, Just for fucking around high on drugs and getting it somehow. OK I hear the people in Africa also get it from fucking around and cheating, and it's mostly straight folks, but its not like me partying.

I could blame Ryan I guess, the guy I was with at the time who really got me on drugs, was whoring me out like crazy, and got me into so many gang bangs. But whats the point. He's been in jail for a long time, got out early, managed to screw up again in a couple months, and now he is back in for good. Probably till he dies. I know what it's like inside, so I am not going to be mad at him. He is gonna get screwed so bad like hes been already. I guess once youre fucked up in the head it stays. I am not much different really.

But I am staying on the straight edge, only cos of Josh. I love him and (or: BUT) I am so scared of him what he is doing if I go off on the deep end again (i.e get high). Either he dumps me so fast (and I couldn't live without him) or he fucks me up so bad for it, that I am not even THINKING of doing something dumb. The time Ryan was out (and right after my ass) was the worst. It's so hard to say "NO" to Ryan. At least it is for me. I was with him for so long and he knows me inside and out. From when I was 17 till when he got arrested and sentenced (and when I found out I was pos) at 23. I would still say the time with him was a ride through hell ........ and so exciting!

But I wouldn't want to go through it again. I know better now. Back then, out of foster care and then jail, I was so happy to be with Ryan, and it felt all great. I was getting high and do it with older guys, and with pain, since I was 15. So it wasn't like 'weird'.

Of course I know and remember how hot it was to get high and do gang bangs, S/M to the extreme kink, and all that other stuff. WOW. But once I found out I was pos because of it, I really sobered up and quit drugs and shortly after that got with Josh. And he has like a "zero tolerance" thing going with drugs. Once and I am out. And he means it!!!

My doc is really good - and yet, he used to be one of the guys who would be in on a LOT of those parties Ryan set up for gang bangs where everyone was high as a kite and then some. NOW he lays the doctor thing one me, and tells me stay away from drugs, to always use a condom, blah blah blah. That is so (!) hypocritical. I wonder if he still has a stash of Tina, GHB, and cola (like he used to!! plus the prescription drugs he could get so easy being a doc) and wants to fuck young boys bare like he used to. But he's been so often up my ass back then, but he seems to have forgotten that. At least I know who I'm dealing with, and not some stranger whose got "issues" with POZ gays. And now I am 10 years past his age range at 28, so he is chill with me :-)

I don't know what the future holds for me. I take it one day at a time. I guess I am lucky compared to the people in Africa or in other countries where they don't have good meds and docs (is Africa a country or what?).

I have a boyfriend I love with everything I have, I am extremely lucky to have a boyfriend who fucks like GOD and who treats me like I need it. He may look like an ass hole sometimes but he really isn't. Deep down he's a nice guy he just has a hard time showing it, and he just is totally horny all the time and needs to stick his dick somewhere to get off, that's just his nature. And of course all the other guys who find out that he fucks like God want him too, so I shouldn't be and can't be jelous of them or mad at them.

Really, I think it was fate when he took  me home for a 1-night-stand. Thats like way over 3 years ago now. I knew it was going to be special, I had a gut feeling from the moment I saw him at The Eagle. Long before he talked to me and took me home. I don't think he knew till the next morning. When we got to his place that night and he started to just beat the living crap out of me (and not like do the usual: get high, drop the pants, fuck me, and kick me out), I got scared but I knew either this is a crazy serial killer or something, or something really good. I rarely got beat like that since one of my foster dads, but I never got fucked THAT good (and like he's been saying since, half of Dallas has been up my ass). I think he liked it that I shot a fat load several feet off. He still beat me some more, anyway. And he really wailed on my balls that night.

The one thing that made the difference between a one-night stand and what we have now is ONE (1) word the morning after.

ONE word can make ALL the difference in life!

When he woke me up (rudely ... like he was pissed that I was still there) and asked if I wanted another round of the same (he just said "want it again?") - I KNEW that he expected me to say "no fucking way let me out of here" or something along that line, and that this was what most guys said to him if they really stayed that long. LOL I said "yes" and after a second, "please", and I saw it in his eyes that I so fucking S-C-O-R-E-D by saying just "yes". He did really let me have it, a LOT worse than the night before. I was still super sore, my balls were hurting, but I KNEW that was the love of my life an there was NO WAY I would buckle.

"Love of my life" sounds cheesy and that's not what I would have called it then. But if you were a foster kid and your mom put you in the trash and kept your twin brother instead, and you go through hell like me, you know when you know that you found what you crave. I knew deep down this was the guy I was wanting to be with and who I wanted to dig me. He could not have done anything that would have swayed me. I just locked on and I wouldn't let go. And haven't since.

He really put me on a test and really hurt me and then fucked me while he was still trying to break my balls. At 11 am in the morning ...LOL. Even though I felt sick and was so close to throwing up, I didn't let it ruin things, and he got off soooooo good, .... - and I splattered a HUGE load again, too, right against the wall. It really actually SPLATTERED and he was impressed that I could or would cum that good even though he hit me and my balls so much and I was crying hard when he came inside me.

But he is the horniest guy I have EVER (!) met and even he was impressed with that, and that I didn't buckle when he asked me "again?". That one thing made all the difference. He didn't admit it of course, but since, I "got to stick around" - as he calls it (I can say now, he is my boyfriend without smacking me for it - even though he won't *say* it, "boyfriend"). The way he gets off with me, it's GOT to be good for him (and I don't think any of the other really cute guys he keeps fucking do the same for him). But for sure it's good for me when he fucks me like God and I get off for him and from him with one of the 8-foot-splatterers only he can make me do ... that keeps me alive. I gladly put up with all the other stuff he puts me through - just for the feeling of me getting him off by far the best and what it's like for me.

So, overall, for World AIDS DAY, I can't complain.

Except for maybe I am POS and not clean (and can't turn it back). I'll die from AIDS one day.

An my boyfriend won't let me move in with him, so I can sleep with him every night and be around him all the time. Maybe one day he will let me move in with him. I am in his bed 5 nights a week, and he can't get enough of me. And yet, he wants the option to kick me out and make me miserable waiting to come back.


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