Fessing up.. I lied to my bf

Keeping up with my blog aint easy... thers my bf and work and it's like I'm always behind. I'm trying, though!!

So here goes, still have to fess up about this one. I lied to my bf. I thought it was just a little white lie. I know thats like the biggest thing he hates, lies. So this was really stupid of me. Anyways, I was so fucking WORN out that just onenight i wanted to go to my own place and SLEEEEP. So I called him from work and said I had to work late and I didn't know how late so I'd be going to my little place and not come to him. He just said OK. The minute I got to my place I just hopped in the shower and then straight on my bed I didnt even dry off much I was so tired. I think I was already asleep the second I pulled the cover over me. God I needed that, and bad. He wears me out. I know this sounds crazy that for once I didn't want to go to him and his house. When I say "home" I mean HIS house and I know I'm always whining about him not letting me move in but theirs like some days when I have GOT to catch up on sleep. I don't get how he can live on so little sleep and always fuck in the middle of the night when everyones sleeping.

So the next day after work I go over to his house and he is late and I still on the stairs for like an hour and a half till he shows. He got some groceries and we're in the kitchen putting them away and hes saying if I had to work like real late. So what am I gonna say, fess up or what so I say yeah but wasn't too bad, and he wants to know hoe late and I say like 10pm, and then he says if I got paid extra at least and I say no, and he says if everyone had to work late or just me or what. I'm like like squirming some cos I don't want to make it any worse, I feel pretty bad already for making some shit up to get just ONE night of sleep I was needing so bad. But he is riding me in deeper and deeper. This is all while were putting the groceries away. He's asking what we had to do and all that, and I get stuck a little cos I didn't think of that before. I'm not a good liar. Doh!!

So THEN he says he felt bad for me for having to work late and all and he says he came by my work to pick me up for a beer after, and their wasnt anyone, all dark and shut down. I knew I was B-U-S-T-E-D. Fuck. So he says like still all sweet who i hooked up with and if the fuck was any good at least, and I'm like in SHOCK and thinking oh fuck fuck fuck is that what hes thinking??? So I tell him I was just so tired and thats why I did it. Fat chance he was just gonna believe me. So then all of a sudden when I turn around to put the last box of cokes in the fridge he like BAM slugs me in the face with his fist and so hard I fall back and bashed my head in the doors of the cabinets, and I'm like all dizzy and try to get up but the kitchen is all spinning around me. And then he stomps me in the guts and then lets himself fall on me, knee first in my stomach. FUCK! And he stays like that one me and grabs me by my ears and yells in my face I'm a fucking liar and I should of known better then lying to him and what the fuck I was thinking.
Was of course just him and me but I like these pictures so you get an idea. So he says for me to finish putting the cokes away but I'm like real dizzy and from him falling with his knee in my stomach with all his weight I'm like ready to throw up, I feel it coming. I think I put half the cokes in upside down. And when I'm done and get up I get sick and throw up in the sink. And I'm feeling miserable and mad at myself cos I know it was stupid to lie and now I get to hear and feel it for 2 or more weeks and I know theirs gonna be hell to pay, this is nothing (!!) of what I know I got coming. God why am I so stupid sometimes just for wanting to sleep one night? dumb dumb dumb!!! So I'm still hanging ver the kitchen sink and puking and I am so mad at myself and so miserable that I cant help it and tear up and them im like crying. Fuck thats not what I want but I cant help it. I'm like balling and its weird like I try to flush the puke and tears are like dripping into it.. god I'm so FUBAR.

So he comes and stands right behind me and grabs my neck with his left hand and force my head down and jabs me hard in the kidneys that would have made me jolt up but hes got me down by my neck. And he says so NOW I'm feeling bad but I should know better not to lie and crying a little and regretting it now wouldnt make it go away and that I was a little fucking shit liar and how I could do this to him after all this time??? And hes going on and on about breaking trust and respect and all that and it makes me just feel worse and worse and GUILTY. And hes saying that if after all this time I'm still lying to him theirs no hope and he should just make me KAPUT and throw me out for good. Break al lmy bones and my balls and fist my ass till he gets all the way to my little fucking heart and rip it out my ass and then dump me. I'm getting like totally in panic and I'm thinking OH MY GOD NO he's really calling it quits, I fucked up too bad, and I'm like screaming and pleeding and trying to tell him I just wanted to sleep and that I'm sooooo sooooo soooooo sorry and I didnt really mean to and that is was more like a little white lie cos he never lets me sleep one night through --- but he really doesnt want to hear nothing and it sure dont help I studder so bad cos I cant get like anything really out in one piece. He's like totally going off the handle. Still holding me down over the sink and hitting my kidneys (GOD that HURTS) and kneeing my thighs from the back and my ass so I get smashed against the marble of the counters and the cabinets. Then he says if I'm done throwing up and I say yes and he says oh really and pulls me back a little so my chin is like on the front corner of the sink and rams his knee right in my guts a couple times. After the first one I just hang down on the cabinet but he grabs my belt on my jeans and pulls me up so he has a clear shot. I'm not doing anything to block him or what, I deserve it so I just cramp my hands on the corner of the sink. And I think he's like trying to break my back the way hes pulling his knee up to ram my guts. After a couple I do have to puke some more. Then he says now I'm done puking and he lets me off and I just fall back on the floor and cry and try telling him I didn't mean to. I hate that I can't talk right but this time I REALLY REALLY hate it cos I'm like still retching like crazy and I can't get one word out right. So he tells me to shut the fuck up and kicks me over and over in the guts and a couple in the balls, wherever he gets me as I'm like flipping around to dodge the kicks and trying to protect my balls. He stops and tells me to get the fuck on my back and spread my legs so he has a clear shot and after a bit I do, I aint got no choice. And he fucking stomps me, I bet he did it as hard as he could. I'm wanting to scream but I suddenly get no air. He kicks me full force in the balls sometimes but this felt like he was trying to break them. My balls are killing me and I'm so fucking miserable from how it hurts but worse from me being so stupid lying to him like I was gonne get away with it and just for some sleep! I so deserve to get punsihed but I dont want him to dump me!!! I can't stop crying and as I get some air I'm still trying to tell him how sorry I am and why i did it but I can't get anything out really that he can understand. He's just standing their and watching me and he looks fucking MAD!

Then after like a couple minutes or so watching me curled up and crying and gets down on the floor behind me and grabs my right ear and pulls my head up. That hurts my ear but my balls and my guts hurt a lot more. And he's talking in my ear saying I'm a little shit and whats he gonna do with me, seems like I never learn nothing. Maybe it would be the best if he gave me back to Mitchell's in his platoon, maybe I'd be better off being his meat for all his torture machines to try out on, or maybe better to the crazy guys in Waco where I wouldn't last 2 weeks. Now he's really scaring me, if he dumps me thats like the end of my world but on top having to go back to being Mitchell's I'd kill myself rather, and with the guys in Waco that would get me killed. Thats where crazy Bryce is and his CO is like 10 times what Mitchell is and Mitchell is a sadistic motherfucker!! So I'm like really balling now and begging him no please don't and all as much as I can even get it out. So he says so NOW I'm sorry now that I got caught but thats kind of late and what I was the fuck thinking?? He is like really mad, and really hurt I would lie to him. I wish I never did, what was it worth just to sleep a couple hours? Maybe I could have just asked him real nice instead if he would let me sleep just one night through or wait for a night when he wasnt wanting me over anyways and bear it out in the meantime. And now I'm like risking everything and maybe even worse. I'm such a stupid idiot!!

So then he grabs my wrist and twists my arms up really bad behind me, like he's gonna break my elbow or pop it out in my shoulder and I'm flat on my stomach. It's weird I feel the floor on the kitchen is like wet from me crying and balling and I'm thinking I'm such a sissy, I brought this all over myself and now I'm like a whining bitch when I got to pay for being a stupid liar. Then he pulls me up by my twisted arm and it hurts!! It's like its going out my shoulder for sure. I can hardly stand cos I'm so wobbly and I am dizzy too. Feels like I have a concussion or something, I can't look straight like its all fuzzy. He is pushing me forward through the hallway to the bedroom, and in the corner that hes using when he's beating me up. Cos in the corner it's easier for him to keep me standing up and I got nowhere to go, the only way is forward into his fists that keep flying at me.
So he's pushing me in the corner hard, and he starts hitting me and he's laying it in me. He's really mad. I'm not even trying to block him. For one my arms are so lame I could hardly get them up and I want to take his punishment so he won't dump me. I'm still trying to tell him I didnt mean to and I'm sorry but hes hitting too hard. My legs are so wobbly I can't really stand even if I leanin the corner and he grabs my throat with his left hand and keeps hitting me hard with his right fist, over and over and over, and in between he grabs my throat with both his hands and with his knee push my legs apart so he can ram it straight up in my balls. Once I put my hands to protect my balls but he says to fucking move them away and I dont know where really it was a reflex cos it hurt so bad so I put my arms around his neck and at least then I get it out once how sorry I am but he just racks me really hard over and over and is calling me a fucking piece of shit and not worth it and a motherfucking liar who dont learn nothing and all that. This goes on forever and I get a little hopefull while is is fucking me up good that maybe if he really goes all out on me he wont dump me maybe. Then in the end I cant stand anymore at all and he can't hold me up either, like my legs are like totally giving away. So I sink down in the corner and he keeps kicking me some more but I don't really feel it much anymore. I'm like halfway out, the room is spinning all around me and I feel like I have to throw up really bad but I cant anymore and my balls are like hurting up to my neck and my stomach feels like its been ripped into pieces and hurts bad and my guts are like mush like theive been through a blender. I'm just curled up in the corner and crying cos I'm soooo sorry. He just walks out.

And he's not coming back. I hear him do stuff in the kitchen, and then wathcing his German TV and do whatever. I don't know what to do, if I shouuld go to him or better stay out of his sight or what. And I don't really want to move so much anyway, I'm fucked up and hurting bad. And I don't know what to say to him. After a while I just crawl a little to lie on the bed. I don't even feel like taking my cloths off, its like I'm hurting too much to move enough to strip, even to take my sneaks off. Then I must have gone to sleep.

He wakes me up when hes going to bed and kicks me off it. He says I can fucking sleep on the floor and after I'm off the bed he drags me back in the corner. He's cussing at me, shithead motherfucker lying bitch and all so I know its not over yet. Then he strips and goes to bed and switch the light off and I'm just in my corner in all my cloths still and cyring a little again. Its rare he goes to bed and not get off first he must be really fucking mad at me. Theirs a little light in the room from the parking lot outside and I can see he's not asleep yet. After like 10 mins or so he says oh fuck and gets up and without saying a word just grabs my legs and pulls me so I'm straight on my back. He opens my belt and my levis and pulls them down with the underwear to like half my thighs, sits on my legs and then starts punching me in the balls. Fuck that hurts but I'm hopefull maybe if he does that he wont dump me if he gets off on me too good so I try not to make a show and bite my tongue really hard and I'm putting my hands behind my back so I wont by accident try to protect my nuts. Its hard to even move my arms up. I know I've got to be good now and just take it but it's hard, really hard. My balls are so fucking sore and he is really punching hard. My abs, my belly, my stomach its all cramping up like crazy and I'm digging my fingers so hard in my neck not to let go and not to arch up that it hurts like its gonna bleed any second. My teeth are about to crack cos I'm biting down so hard and I can feel my tears run down on the sides of my face but I'm not making any sounds, just taking it. But I'm so fucking sore and hurting I'm not getting a boner like normal. Thank heavens, cos if I got stuff he would have got real mad. He keeps punching and like really super hard, maybe 20 or 30 times, I dont know. Then he stops and jacks off and he cums all over me. In my face, on my belly and I can feel it hitting my tshirt also that got pushed up some. Then he just sits for a moment or two coming down from the high and then he takes my balls and pulls hard so I have to bend up till my face is like 3 inches from his. And in the little light in the room he looks me straight in the eye and says motherfucking LIAR!! and then he suckerpunches me in the face so my lips bleed and my teeth hurt and gets up and back into bed. And in like 2 minutes or so he's sleeping. I don't know what to do if I should get into bed or what or at least pull up my jeans.. but then I'm too worn out and hurting so bad I just keep lying their and dont move and then I'm asleep too.

I didnt hear the alarms at all or him getting up or anything, I'm like dead till he kicks me hard in the stomach and kinda yells get up your late for work in a minute. And true when I look at the clock I am. But I got to shower and borrow at least a T from him cos mine has like his cum all over it, and since its dark blue it really sticks out. So when I try to get up which isnt easy cos I'm like S-O-R-E and I try to make my way over to the bathroom to shower he says if I'm nuts or what?? And he says to get the fuck out!! I'm like puzzled and he just grabs me and runs me out, like pushing me and when I'm out the door, he pushed me more so I fall flat on my face on the concrete outside. Then he goes back in and 20 seconds later he throws my keys and my cigs out too and shuts the door. I'm heartbroken am I dumped now or what?? He's thrown me out before a couple times like this but that was only when he was in a hurry and I was messing around holding him up, not like after I got caught lying. So I get up go get my keys and my cigs and like stumble over to my truck up front. And inside it hits me what if that was getting DUMPED?? and I'm out for good?? thats when it really hits me and I sit over my steering wheel and cry like really really hard for like 10 minutes. I cant think how it could be without him, its like my life is over. But then I have to go to work, I'm already kinda in trouble with the manager cos I'm late a lot and he hates it when everyone is like 5 or 10 min late. I was wanting to go to my place first and change but then I'd be really late.

So I go to work like this, and I'm thinking its really warm today and I work with no shirt like I always do when its hot in the shop. I make it to work like 2 minutes early so at least that works and make it to the bathrooms and showers with nobody seeing me too good. I hop in the shower cos the manager was busy with something when I walked through the shop and theirs no customers yet. In the mirror I see I got some blue spots from the hitting on my ribs and my belly. Fuck. But my T has so much cum on it, and it really sticks out. I'm trying to wash it out in the sink and it works kinda but my T is totally wet. So I walk out with it off and holding it like in front of me till I get to my lift. Cody sees me and says hi and says dude ruff night huh and grins. I'm just mumbling something like yeah yeah I dont feel like yakking now.

At my lift I'm hanging up the T so it can dry and I still got a car up their from yesterday so I smear some grease over the blue spots on my ribs and belly and start working. I feel like I'm ready to cry though, what if I'm really dumped? All day the other guys leave me alone, I think they can tell I'm sad. And all day I call my bf like 20 times but I only get his box. Dunno if he's busy or if he wont take my calls. Lucky theirs a lot going on so I'm like busy all day. Even forgot about my tshirt, and at least at the end of the day I have something dry and fairly clean to wear. And I dont know what to do. I'm feeling like going home and crashing so I sleep, but I want to know whats up and if I'm dumped and how I can fix it but I dont know how to. Best I go to him if he wont take my calls all day. I'm thinking I better look hot, maybe he forgivs me easier if hes horny. But what should I wear, and if I go to my place first to change I get their late and maybe he thinks I should just run over after work. Theirs just nothing right. In the end I think its best if I put my uniform on first and then go. He loves this shit and he made me join the group, and he gets off on that POW stuff a LOT. I figure if I show up in my uniform I can show more that I do ANYTHING for him, even all that group stuff and he knows I'm not soo hot for all that anyways. So I speed to my place, change in the BDUs and boots and everything, even the camo cap, and then over to his place. His Volvo isn't there so he is not home. Fuck. I hope he's not fucking the next guy already. I call again and he doesnt answer. By now he's prolly already mad at me for calling so much. So I sit on the steps and wait but after 1 hour it feels stupid and theirs this guy walking by with his dog and looking weird at me in my uniform. Since my truck is parked in the same space as always he will see it and I go sit away a bit where people wont stare. I'm like totally nervus and I think I smoked like 2 packs. He isn't coming, and it's almost 11pm. I feel soooo miserable cos its dawning in me I'm really dumped. Maybe I'm getting too old for him anyways and maybe hes getting tired of me anyways too. Hes fucked me about like 1,000 times ball parkish, and then he catch me lying, maybe thats really it. The longer I'm sitting their waiting for him the worse I feel and I keep tearing up.

So then he finally shows up, Ive been waiting like over 4 hours. And I run over to him. He must have known I'm their cos of my truck and he had to drive right by it. But hes like all surprised and says what the fuck am I doing here and I'm like trying to say I'm so sorry and would do anything if he forgivs me but all I can do is cry and nothing comes really out. I HATE myself for crying he hates wussies and he says oh fuck cut out the tears. Then hes just looking at me and I know the uniform is working. Thank heavens I know him so good. I can see it working in him like hes debating what to do kick me in the ass and tell me to get lost forever or do something. I dont like believe in God, cos how could I, but I'm like praying oh please dont let him make me go. He keeps looking at me for like 5 minutes and not saying nothing and I know better then saying anything now so I keep my mouth shut, like I'm waiting for the verdict like jury but it feels like this is like taking FOR-EV-ER.

So then finally!!! he like sighs and puts his hand out and only says 'truck keys'. I rush and get them out of my pocket and give my keys to him and he just turns around and walks up to my truck. So I follow him and I'm thinking this is good! Thank heavens!! Maybe hes not gonna dump me after all. And I keep thinking as I walk behind him thats like the first night he picked me up at the Eagle when he just came over to me after I kept staring at him all night and just said to pull up my shirt so he could look at my abs and then said hes wanting to fuck me and its gonna hurt bad and just turned around and walked out. Anyways he gets in my truck and I hop in and hes driving down to the park we've been at a couple times at night. Its closed after sundown so theirs like nobody and he parks at the liqor store in the back next and we walk in, me like 3 steps behind, trying to keep up cos hes walking fast. Till we get to the spot we've been at before and he turns around and grabs me by the shirt and pushes me against a tree and then just starts laying it on me without saying one word. Just beating the crap out of me and I'm not fighting him. When he lets me finaly go down to the ground he keeps kicking me all over till I wont even flinch anymore and I'm like about right their where I'm about to pass out. But I'm not mad or nothing, I'm just hoping if this is like punishment hes not gonna dump me, and if he didnt beat the crap out of me I'd just be so over. Then he finally stops and he pulls my BDU pants down to my ankles. Hehehe good I didnt put on any underwear :-)

The fuck is just a quick one just so he gets off but I'm like really happy he fucks. Cos I keep thinking even if he thinks I'm a shithead fucking liar he still gets off on me and my ass. When hes done he says the keys are gonna be on the front tire and hes gonna call tomorrow. The he just walks off. I'm fucking done. It hurts a little that he just leaves me their like this, fucked up with my pants on my ankles but hes gonna call so I'm not dumped!!

I'm staying their all alone for a long while cos I'm fucking hurting like shit. Some wild cat comes by like shes all curious. Walking all the way back to his house is TUFF it takes me like 3 hours or so cos I got to stop a bunch of times. Walking with nuts hurting so bad and no underwear hurts.. a LOT! Its only like 3 miles or so but its hard. Since he left the keys he dont want me to come in so I drive home. I got maybe 2 hours left to sleep and of course I oversleep.

Fuck! So I rush to get to work but for once I get really lucky. I'm walking in thinking what I tell my manager now and Noah pulls me inside the front and says dude take these filters and say I sent you to get them cos Shane wouldnt go do it. And like 10 seconds later or less the manager walks in and says where the fuck have you been its like 9:30!!! And I just say what Noah told me and he looks at me and at Noah and says really?? and Noah says yeah, Shane wouldnt go and we got like customers and we're out so I sent Kevin. I think he knew totally their was something fishy but he let it go. I so totally owe Noah. He's a cool guy.

Saturday Afternoon

when he woke me coming back I was still in bed and waking up when he slammed the door. I wasnt like sleeping real deep just dozing and not wanting to get out of bed so he came looking for me and he saw I was still in bed. I knew I had to get up cos he was going south to the ranch to visit his ex and stay till Monday to go to some gov office. But he said his ex called and their having trouble at home, like him and his bf fighting so he shouldnt come and so he got naked and said we could do something else so what. I was still like lazy and feeling nice, but he had a raging boner going so he was wanting to fuck again. I had been thinking some for like something that good like in the morning I was going to have to pay sooner or later but hey its sooo worth it. If it was up to me I was more in a mood to cuddle and not get off the good trip but hey its not about me its about him to get off good.

So he tied my nuts off with some rope and ran it back to the hinge on the door and then got over me and pulled me up till my balls were like TIGHT and yanked back as far as they'd go, and I tried hard not to put up a show. My tong still hurt a little from biting before. Then he put his arm around my neck and locked his other arm so it made like a choke hold and he pulled me up slowly so it tightened the choke and at the same time pulled more on my nuts as he was bending my back up. I thought hes either going to break my back or rip my nuts off but he did it like real slow and as I was trying to get air I felt his boner in my back. Then he let me go and I fell down and was like coughing to catch air and he pulled my ass open some with his hands and rammed his dick in. He just rammed it in and then pushed me up till the rope was really pulling on my balls like crazy and then grabbed my shoulders and started fucking HARD and always pulling me up by my shoulders some, so that every time he rammed it in the rope ripped on my balls! I got so tense from the pain he had to push hard with his dick cos I was clenching my ass, not on purpose just cos it hurt so intense. At first he was really going hard and even though I tried to hold it in and not make a peep, I didnt hold up so good and after just a bit it hurt so bad I started to cry. I figured ok now I got to pay, couldnt have been so good earlier and not having to pay for it. I know this is what really gets him off when he really hurts me. He put his hands under my jaw and pulled me up and he saw I was crying and just from pulling me up backwards it ripped even more on my balls and I couldnt help it I made sort of a shriek. I hated myself for that but their was nothing I could do not to, and I knew from here on he would really let me have it for him to totally get off.

But he didnt, he just held me their like this for a second, like totally still, holding on with the fucking, like we're like totally in suspense. I was sweating like a pig from all the pain, my balls puckered like crazy like having my guts in a tight grip and twirling them around and shooting crazy later messages up my spine saying WERE GETTING FUCKED UP DUDE. Seemed like we're like this forever, just like that, no moves. Of course was for real just short, but thats just how it felt like. And then he keeps me held up like that, and goes like on with the fucking just real slow. It hurts like FUUUUUUCK but it suddenly feels so fucking hot I want him to hurt me like whatever he wants. Seems my head is sweating the most. I was sweating before but now its like I'm like sweating in 130 heat, and its dripping from my hair in my face and running down from my head in my neck and down my back. He keeps fucking me real slow, just harder when hes pushing but just a little, and keeping me like totally bent up and the rope on my balls tight. I feel so OWNED and its like I want to be owned and let him do what-ever! I feel the sweat run everywhere and I feel my tears are still running but it's not like I'm crying or balling anymore I just cant stop the tears running. But I dont want him to stop I know this is really good for him, and he's just keeping me right on the edge where its hurting like fuck but hes not really fucking me over like I KNOW hes wanting to BAD to blow a huge load. But he just keeps going slow, like holding me right their on the edge, and I know if he's pushing me like just alittle more I'm so gonna hurt for at least a week and go berserk but he isnt, just keeping me right their and going and going with the slow fuck. Its like this weird thing it hurts but it feels awesome and I know like ANY second I could be in HELL or blow a load of my LIFE if he just keeps me their on the edge and going like this. Its weird cos I dont want him to let off and I dont want him to gp over the edge and wish he just lets me cum. And then I can still think right then that second if he really lets me cum great and not make me go through PAIN HELL, I am sooooo going to pay the price later, so whats better or worse, now or later? But of course I want to cum awesome now if he lets me and worry about how he is gonna make me pay for it later.

Its really weird what you think sometimes even when your like THIS short of going thru HELL or getting to cum like crazy.

It was like he was keeping me like right on the edge FOREVER till I couldnt stand it anymore and till I couldnt even sweat anymore. And it was like he knew exactly when I was going to cum, cos the second I started cumming all over the place, I mean like I was spreading it all out over the bed, he pushed his dick in my HARD to it felt like my balls were goners and the pain flashed my brain so bad I saw red and yellow stars exploding in my eyes but I was cumming even more and he did too. I could feel it even with the rubber and he was holding me real tight. Then we both just lied their and it felt GREAT!! my balls hurt like fuck but it was a good hurt like slowing down. I had like no power and the bed was like wet from sweat and cum but we both didnt care like it took too much energy to get up. I still had the rope on my balls but it wasnt pulling anymore and I didnt bother to get it off. Kind of felt good actually.

We lied their for a while. I was ready to sleep some more but I didnt, and he didnt say nothing and me not anyways. After a long while he got up and went to shower and then off for some errands. Took me a long time to get some power up to crawl out of bed and shower, cos I was stinking like a skunk. And change the sheets and all that. He stayed away a long time, but I was so worn out I really didnt mind too much. Then I got bored a little and played some games and going online and chatted some and he still wasnt back.

Saturday Morning

I didnt have to work but he did so if he wouldn't kick me out when he had to leave I could sleep in some. I woke up before him and I cuddled up with the pillow and was just looking at him. The sun was coming up, it was still kind of a little dark, like dawn. I was thinking I'm so damn lucky and hes so hot. I was looking at all his tatts and getting really really horny. First I was thinking I just chance it and jerk off but if he wakes up and I get caught that be trouble. I was wanting to touch him, like just touch or massage a little so I wouldnt wake him up but then if he woke up theirs no way telling what was gonna do. Sometimes he likes it and its cool, sometimes he isnt and then he just hits me and I wasnt in a mood for getting hit right their. So I was just diving under the covers and blowing his morning wood and it didnt take no 5 minutes for him to wake up. But it was all cool he just grabbed my neck and let me and I was going easy so he wouldnt like blow his load or anything, just feelgood for waking up. He put his hand from my neck to my ear and pulled me up, not like when he jerks me just pulled me up and he said if I was looking to get fucked or what? I didnt think I should say YEAH!! cos when I want he never does it but he wasnt like that this morning, just kinda grinning and saying if I still had any brains he could fuck out. I sort of got excited when he's like that its def not gonna be bad so I plopped back and spread my legs wide cos I figured he would go and smash my balls some to get real horned up to fuck but he didnt. He just played with them some to make me flinch some and then he grabbed them in like a tight grip and squeezed but in a good way so that it hurt, and I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed and he let me. It felt so hot to feel his muscles. The more I was squeezing him, the more he was going for it on my balls. I KNOW how it is working for him to hurt balls and I was so fucking horny I wanted like a real good fuck if i could like make that happen. So I like swore I wouldnt make no sound and I bit my tong so hard it tasted a little like blood and squeezed the fucking hell out of his shoulder and he did the same to my balls, like more. And twisting around and arching up some and not making a PEEP he was pushing his leg under my ass everytime I was bending up some. Till I was like lying over his leg and when I looked up my dick was raging hard sticking out like a flag pole hehe. Then he let go of my balls and I was breathing hard for a sec, cos biting my tong and holding my breath not to make a peep I had to get some air. Then he like rolled me off and over from his leg on my stomach. I was like have buried in the warm pillow and it was kinda cozy and the pain from my balls was like rolling up my belly, and it hurt a little to lie on my boner so I pushed up my ass a little to make some room. I heard him rip the plastic cover for the rubber (trust me I can hear that from 20 feet away hehe) and got over me, grabbed my wrists, and I could feel his dick getting in position at my hole. Its only like a couple seconds but that is SOOO hot like just before he is tearing me up and it's still like making me shake and all. And then he rammed it in all the way like he always does. I dont like it anyways when I'm with a guy and he messes around forever like 1 or 2 fingers to losen me up or crap, get to fucking FUCK! He's not like that at ALL, he wants it to hurt and fuck me like a bitch! And after all the times hes fucked me its still the same it makes me go all tense and it hurts but like in a really really good way. I wish I kept track of like how often hes fucked me it's got to be like 800 or 900 times or so, like about 2 years with 365 days and 3 times a day ballparkish. But ever since I had got this score going with this guy years ago and we were both like in this guys stable and working for him and he caught us doing the score thing, and totally went off the deep end like we were trying to get him in trouble and made us pay for every single mark of every single fuck we did, I wouldn't even think of keeping score anymore. We didnt even think nothing of it we just kept score you got fucked more. Anyways. I got fucked soooo good, he rammed in and pulled back slow and was going on and on and on till I was like squealing it felt so fucking awesome it was like I couldnt take it any longer or lose my mind!!! Like the time when he wrote my name on my arm in like big letters so I would remember my name after he fucked my brains out and I thought he was kidding but later I was so out of it when he was done I was glad he did it. He's go so cool ideas sometimes ;-)

When he got me squealing he said thats what LUST is and he was starting to talk foreign and I knew we're going for the finish line. He didnt let go of my wrists the entire time and he started fucking so hard it was getting like rape and my stomach started feeling funny like when your starting to feel sick but I totally didnt care. I wanted to cum soo bad but I didnt want to til he did but it was like he was in control and then I couldnt hold out any longer and I started cumming and cumming like I couldnt stop and then he did and he was making like this roar what he does when hes really cumming good. The for a moment it was like I was totally limp and just hanging with my ass on his dick like on a hook. I had like way no power in me left, like NO energy, totally pumped out.

He had to get going, like in a rush not to be late, and i was afraid he was gonna kick me out cos I forgot he was gonna go visit his ex the weekend but he was still like grinning from one ear to the other and saying he had to come back first after work anyways at noon so if I wanted I could hang around till then. If I wanted??? I would of have begged him too!! After he was gone I just stayed in bed, I didnt even have the energy to get up and I didnt really want to anyways. The bed smells like him so nice and I felt so GREAT and I was like fading out in like 10 mins after he was gone till he got back and woke me at like 2ish.

Saturday early, like in the middle of the night

catching up again. Its Tuesday late and I'm tired but I'll do my best. I try to write sooner so I wont forget nothing but theirs so little time. The weekend was so awesome thou I have to write it all up.

Friday nite I finally went to bed and he was still working on something. I was soo ready to crash I didnt want to hang around longer sometimes he works so late anyway. So I crashed and I was DEAD asleep, I mean I was gone! I woke up cos I sort of had a nightmare, I get those sometimes. i was dreaming about the foster dad in the family I was with when I was 15, he would come int he middle of the night when everyone was sleeping like 3am to fuck my ass and he wouldnt wake me first. Always when I woke up he was already humping me. Back then I always had real nightmares even if he didnt came, cos I was scared to go asleep. Lucky I wasnt their too long, cos I got in real trouble and had to go back to jive a couple months so that was over.

Anyways I wasnt really having a nightmare like I thought, it was my bf. He came to bed and he was horny so he just started fucking me and I was waking up and just for a couple moments I thought I was 15 and same all over again and I kind of got a little panic but then I woke up some more and clicked that it was him and it was ok. Didnt take too long he just wanted to get off and I didnt like really totally wake up and it felt good he good off good and then after he put his arm around me and he went to sleep and me too. Felt real good.

THURSDAY!!!

Thursday started really good. I was late 5 minutes for work but as I got in, the manager was ripping Shane a second one, and like so everyone saw it. I missed the first part but I guess he pissed off some customer and the customer came back at opening and fucked with the manager and now Shane got it. Serves him right. At least till noon Shane is gonna steam by himself and someone's gonna get it later on when he blows.

Then his one lady comes and she always wants me to work on her car so thats all good and she always tips me like $20 when my manager isnt looking. I can't figure her out but whatever, nobody else ever gives me a 20 just like that.

At lunch I dont even go eat, just lie on my truck and when my bf calls like I thought he would, I tell him I didnt even go to lunch and he says good and see you later and hangs up. So I'm good to go after work tonight, and if hes planning something, I am sooo gonna get fucked, only theirs prolly a high price I got to pay. but hey, whatever. SO I'm like in a really good mood for the rest of the day, and even when Shane finally cracked and vented off, didnt get to me at all. He was about to go after the new guy but just then the manager walked in the back and he kicked the wall instead and really hurt himself. He can be a real ass but also real stupid sometimes.

So after work I shower real good and get clean in and out and lose no time to go to my bf's house. He's already home so I dont have to wait for him, and I can tell he's so def horny :-) At home he always just wears sweat pants or his adidas trainers and never a shirt unless its like really cold and I can see his boner going already. So I already know he's got something planned out, nothing much that can go wrong now. Finally ... I havent got a fuck Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday.

But he's all nice, he isnt just jumping me and beating the crap out of me or anything. Hes giving me a bottle of water and says to drink it and we go smoke a little on the patio and hes just asking how my day was and all. I'm getting a little suspicius, what the heck is he up to now? Thats the hot thing about him, hes tuff and always up to no good but like even after almost 2 years I can never tell with him whats gonna happen next. Hes like always toying with me. God, when we're just standing around like this and I look at him, I get weak knees. He has like so no idea how much I am in love with him and how much I crave him using me and doing whatever that gets him off. And he always likes plays it cool like I'm just some shithead fucker he is using when hes like feeling like it, or be nice to when hes in the mood, or beat the fuck up if hes in a real crappy mood. But like if I was gone it wouldn't matter for him. Always breaks my heart even tho I know its not like that and he's just doing his attitude thing but it still hurts like fuck. And that hurt is a lot lot worse then the worst pain he makes me suffer thru beating me up and punching my balls or whatever.

Anyway so we just hang out in the patio and I finally finish the water and he goes back in and I after him, and he heads back to the bedroom and like asks me if I need to go piss or anything. I do just in case. Hes already waiting for me when I get to the bedroom and has this grin but his eyes are like cold. Ice cold. I'm looking around a little but like so it doesn't look like I'm looking around to see if hes got anything out and I def have the feeling I'm gonna get hurt, and BAD. Then he says hey I'm in a really kinky mood and I want to try something and he makes it sound like hes telling me I have a way out. That makes me like really nauseus, cos I know this is not a good sign. And when he says it like that its like hes having like a little of a bad consciense but he knows and I knows theirs no way I can back out anyways and I don't want to anyways cos I know hes not gonna like it if he doesnt get to do whatever he's got planned. But when hes like that I get the chills and scared. Every time he gets like one of his really sadistic streaks, it gets me the best fucks in the end, ever, but its like I got to pay such a high price its always like I ask myself if its worth it. So I stand their like a dumbass and I'm scared about what the price is gonna be this time but he is set to go and doesnt want to mess around so he tells me to strip. I do, and not like normal when I rip my shit off when he tells me to get naked, I got like the butterflies going in my stomach and my guts all cramped up and its like my balls already start hurting a little, like they know also whats coming to them. And when I'm all naked and stand up, he looks down at my dick and grins some more, cos its like my dick knows this is not gonna be fun for a long time and is not wanting to be a boner. And he tips me a little so I lie down on the bed and I do, on my back and spread my legs. I figure he's going to want me to spread them to take a bunch of ball punchs like he loves it most. But he isnt and takes his sweet ass time to tie me up, arms and legs spred to the corners and real tight so I cant move much. Now I know this is going to be really bad, cos he rarely takes time like this, even tho I really like to get tied up, for him its mostly like too much trouble, maybe cuffs cos their quick and easy. So then he's got me all tied up and looks at me and I get a little panicky but of course I try not to show it and try to work up a boner but no chance. I know him too good, this is gonna be bad, and not in a fun way bad. I just wonder what he is up to, punching my balls even the crazy times, for that he wouldn't tie me up like this, just cuff my hands to the chain and padlock around my neck or so, so I cant try to protect my balls when I break down. This is gonna be different, and for sure not easier.

And then he gets some duct tape and first puts a strip over my mouth and then wraps 2 layers over it and around my head. I'm getting really shitscared now cos this is like rare. I think its only been 2 times in almost 2 years hes done that, so he's thinking I'm gonna try to scream the place down. Oh-oh. OK now I know I am FUCKED and its like its coming over me that he is going to really really hurt me bad and its also coming over me it means I get my brains fucked out, and FOR SURE!! This crazy stuff always turns him on like nothing else and when hes turned on like nothing else he isnt fucking, he's raping. Theirs two GOOD ways he fucks: when hes turned on like crazy, and when hes wanting it to be good for me, and then he fucks like GOD. I got fucked by a lot of guys in my life but nobody fucks like him when hes wanting it to be good. I kind of live for those fucks, and the ones in between are like the buildup to the next. But for both ways I have to pay for it, and a lot. Hes either gonna hurt me really bad or hes having a real bad consciense to make up for when hes thinking he was like really to mean to me.

So I know I'm sooo FUCKED and I know I'm gonna get one of his God fucks later for it, and so even tho I'm scared shitless, I spring a boner like bang! I know its kind of weird I get so scared, cos I get off on pain and all, but even tho I dig the pain and the way it feels, I'm not like some superhero and it fucking hurts, a lot. And he knows really mean ways to make it hurt, and he never stops cos he gets off on it the more it really gets to me.

Hes got me all tied up and ducttaped and looks me over and grins and then he makes a fist and shows it to me and slams it just once in my balls. Stings, hard, but one I can take and not make a wimp. And then he goes and gets those 2 old german army field telephones from like 1962 he got shipped like 2 weeks ago. I was wondering why he got those, I figured make for some stuff in the group next time we're out for some field trip or something. I didnt really think much about it but it kinda dawns on me now what their for. He puts wires on the 2 poles of one of them and the other end is like blank with no insulation and he is wrapping each end around one of my nuts and then puts more duct tape around each ball, like if for insulation so the 2 wires wont touch. Then he just grins again and says here's like a bit of training on field phones. They work just by picking up the receiver, cos they have batteries in them. And he picks up the receiver of the one hes hooked up to my balls, and I jump like 10 inches up with my ass: theirs a lot of juice in that thing!!! Wow that was a jolt, and it cuts my breath for a second. Its kind of hard to breath thru the nose anyways, cos my mouth is taped shut like really good. The he says but if you just lift the receiver, the other end doesnt know someones on the line so you got to ring them, and he lifts the phone some so I can see better and theirs this handle on the side to fold out, and he says one just needs to crank it and it makes the other phone ring.

And so he cranks it a little and I go totally BESERK!!! I'be had tons of electro on my nuts, hes even used a stungun on my balls before but this is nothing like it. Its like they turn cold metal and get in a grinder and the balls shoot out flash pain that I can feel in my fingers and it makes my mouth taste like metal, like when you hold a battery to your tong. I cant believe he's gonna use this stuff on me, and he hasnt even started really.

So he is getting started to work that crank and since I can see the clock on the side of the bed, its only been like 10 mins after he got going to when he stops for now. It feels like its been an hour and im wet with sweat, almost chewd through the ducttape, crying and in my mind begging him to no go again, I mean he must be really horny by now.. but I know him a lot better then that he would never let me get off this easy. And of course he didnt. THIS is the kind of stuff that gets him really off and he sometimes says I should he glad he isnt in that mood like every other day.

After like over 3 more hours I guess his arm got lame from the cranking, cos he pulled the wires out of that thing. Not that I cared about nothing anymore I was out of my fucking mind. This bad I haven't hurt in a loooong time, I'm a fucking mess and like way beyond anything where them endorphens could do anything for me. Absolutely everything is hurting in my body, my balls the worst of course and everything their attached to, but all my muscles and stuff too from the jerking around like crazy and flopping from the pain. The last 2 hours Ive only been wishing to pass out so it was over but he'd always go a little slower like he could tell when I was close to goin out. I'm like worn and a mess, if he'd stomped my balls I bet I wouldnt even have flinched anymore, their was like no power left in me for whatever. I heard this pinging noise in my ears, like sonar and like in sync with the pain in a pulse from my balls. And I wanted to cry or wail just cos it would feel like letting some of the pain out somehow but I just couldnt, I couldnt like even move. God he knows how to fuck me over really good. So then he untied me and ripped the tape off but I lie their like the same cos I couldnt even move and he sits on my belly and slaps me in the face so I pay attention, And he says good little motherfucker you still have half a boner going and grins. I couldnt even feel my dick and I couldnt think I would have anything but only a shriveld dick. And he slides up some till hes sitting on my chest, and I dont even have the power to breth against him, he is like pressing my chest down. And I stare right at his dick in front of my face. I know his dick in and out and I can tell when he is hard and when he is REALLY hard. Now it is really hard and I still think even then it is so fucking hot that even tho he is so hard and turned on his skin still goes over the head (cos hes uncut). So now I'm getting what I had to earn so fucking hard, and I hope I'm not gonna pass out. I know this sounds like real stupid, first I want to pass out and then I don't. I guess I cant make up my mind.

He wants me to turn over cos he likes it doggy the most and he said once he likes it cos its more humiliating for the guys thats getting fucked. It's hot but I like to see him when he fucks me but of course I could never tell him that plus it's not so much his thing. I can't move really, I tried to get up but I couldnt even get my shoulder off higher then maybe an inch and flop back down. But hes now more then good and ready to get off so he dont bother much and just lifts me up. Sucks he's got to take the sec to put the rubber on. This is when I hate it so much that Ive been such a slut and a junkie and got poz. I WISH he didnt have to wear the rubbers and do me for real but of course thats over for my life. Anyway he rams it in and hits me with another knuckle punch in the balls that make me arch up to him even tho a second ago I couldnt even get my shoulder off the futon. I think it wasnt even 2 minutes or so till my boner was bang on and I was riding into fuck heaven again. He's like so awesome when he wants. He kept hitting me in the nuts hard when he was thinking I felt too good but that couldnt stop me anymore. Its what I had to suffer for so bad for so long all evening and after I get so FUCKED UP I want my brains fucked out to no end. This is better then any trip Ive ever been on, and its like after i got hurt so much and he rams his dick in, its like he's flipping my switch inside to "on" and get like a HUGE dose of the endorphens and whatever else. This time was weird cos I was so worn out and exhausted I couldnt even like groan or anything, it was like I was a puppet getting stuck on a stick and shake, and I was like in an ocean and go under all the time till he hit me hard in the balls again and I got to the surface again, and then go under again and so on. But going under felt like really really good. The last thing I remember was I came like crazy and the first shot made like a splash on the wall behind my head.

I woke up and it was still dark and I wanted to look at the clock to see how late it was. Ok this is Friday morning and not really part of the Thursday blog but still, kind of belongs here. You have no idea how hard it was to turn my head and look, I had like NO energy, nothing, and no power. It was just 3:55 am and my bf was sleeping tight. I was like checking all my parts but pretty much everything just hurt and I couldnt move much and didnt really want to anyway. Just closed my eyes and was gone.

Ok the rest goes in the Friday blog, but I got to take a break and smoke and check what my bf is up to. He's been hacking like crazy on 2 of his computers, the ones I'm not allowed to touch. He's got like all these monitors set up around himself when hes working at home, looks like Startrek a little. How can you look at 2 monitors at the same time, or even 6? Anyways, I'll type up the Friday blog next and then I'm up to speed again

Week Update, this is like for Tuesday

Now its Friday again and I havent written anything all week since Monday. Didnt have no time. Tuesday was like slow and the manager was like griping at everybody cos he didnt get no money in. He was in a shitty mood all day so every one else got kinda pissy too. Shane got in a pissing thing with the new guy and later when the manager was gone for a bit to bitch at someone else Shane punched the guy up some and later tripped him so he fell flat on some grease puddle. Sucks for him to be on Shane's shit list. I dont even know what it was all about. Shanes really not a bad guy but he can be a fucking ass if hes in his sicko mode. Better to watch out and stay away from him. I didnt have much to do all day anyway so I was like thinking what to do after work. If I should just go over to my bf's house or call him or if he maybe calls me or whatever. He didnt call tho and after work I showered real good and clean and went over. He wasnt their and I waited like almost an hour till he showed up. He was OK tho, I think he likes it when I just sit and sit their outside and wait for him, like whenever he comes even if its like really late. He was saying I didnt show up yesterday so if I was thinking today wouldnt be hurting less or what? I dunno what to say anyways so I didn't but I think he wasnt really wanting an anser. So I was figuring ok I get what I missed yesterday and he was gonna make it really painful but that was totally ok with me I had a boner anyways the moment I saw him. He looks so fucking hot in his jeans. I have to ask him for a picture sometime just of the legs how they stack. Looks better on him, on me it never works so good.

But he wasnt just gonna do me like that and plus he got some food, but just for himself, I guess he didnt think I would show or what, cos I didnt call. He gets a lot of chinese food and always with the chopstick i dont like but this time he fed me, like one for him and one for me kinda. I totally like it when hes nice like that. Except for I was so fucking horny, I'd rather had him do something else. Yeah well. So when the food was gone he said he needs a little nappy, long day and all but at least he lets me lie next to him. Of course I strip first and I have a boner like THAT but he's like ignoring it till I'm next to him. He grabs my balls like he always does but more like he holds then and nothing else, and hes like really going to nap. After like 5 minutes or so he says if my boner isnt going down and I wont let him sleep hes gonna make it go away. Like that's helping, my boner only got even stiffer, cos I know whats coming. Since he lying behind me like always, like we're both sideways, he lets go of my balls and gets them again only this time from behind between my legs and puts his other arms around my neck and starts pulling tight so I cant get no air. And then he's like working my balls, squeeze like hes wanting them to go mush and pulling like hes trying to rip them off. Hes doing it like always, like a machine that has like zero feelings and no mercy. I hate it when hes like that and I LOVE it cos hes is doing it like he doesnt care how I feel, only what he likes. He knows me waaay too good whats going on inside me and whats good for me. I can't even scream, I cant even get air. It HURTS, all i can do is like flop around and jerk like crazy, half next to him and half on top. Feeling the cho mein come up, cos my balls feel like their nit to my guts inside and making my stomach go in a spin. Like always he isnt stopping til I am almost out from no air and so much pain and I'm waiting for the endorphens to kick in but its not really coming. Then he quits for like a couple seconds and lets me get some air and im like coughing and crying and cent even see the light on the desk across the room good, cos of all the tears. He lets go of my balls and feels for my boner and I still got it going, hehe. Hes saying in my ear you little horny fucker but its not like hes mad I know he likes it I get off on serious nut pain and hes like just pretending like hes mad I didnt go limp. Hes still got me around my neck and I'm stil trying to get air so my mouth is wide open and he puts 2 fingers in like hes getting some spit for lube but my mouth is like all dry. So he turns me over some so I'm like half under him, and spits in his hand and rolls back and puts it like on my dick head and just plays some. And he jacks me, nut just like 2 or 3 times a little. This is def not working to make my boner go away. I can feel his in my back. I'm game for whatever only with him I neve rknow whats next. He could just be jacking me off, or put me in pain HELL just for kicks or he could choke me out all the way and be fucking my ass when I come around.. I cant just ever know. Only hes got a boner so whatever it is I'm gonna get off. And he will too, cos he wont just get worked up and not get off. I just want it to be really good for him. So he lets his hand just slide down and grabs my balls again and when hes got them tight so I try to inhale like deep and go all tense, he says like 'fine then, jerk off and maybe I can finally get my nap and I'm not stopping till you cum, so get it over with' and turns back so I'm lying on top of him, and he pulls my head back and chokes me again so my head is like next to his, totally bent back. I know he does that so when I jerk around from the pain I'm not banging my head into his. And he's letting my balls have it, a lot worse then before, like hes really for real trying to mush them or rip them off or both, like whatever comes first. Just for panic my left hand is gripping his left wrist but its not like I can make him let go of my balls or nothing but something I can hold onto, plus its hot to feel his muscles that control my balls. With my right hand I'm jerking like crazy but its hard cos with my nutsack and balls hes pulling all the skin down. I want to cum and fast before one of my balls pops or ripps. Its not working just hurting crazy, till I get over the hump where the endorphens finally kick in and I dont fucking care what happens and just dont want him to stop and just FUCK ME UP!!! But like most times its not taking long after getting over the hump and I shoot a big load all over me and some gets on him, cos I can feel him spit some like it got in his face. He is not stopping tho like he said but I knew that. After shooting my cum hes just tensing up his arm around my neck and I know he knows I'm gonna try real screaming in a second and he does that so I wont. And he squeezs my balls like he wants all the last bits of cum to get out and with them all empty it hurts like godmotherfuckingalot and I go beserk. He is just pushing me sideways and we roll off the couch and hes on me with all his weight and all I can do is flop some with my arms and legs and hope its over soon. After I cum its like POFF the endorphens are like gone and it just really fucking hurts and its like just for kicks hes doing double of whats hit and fun. And he soooo knows when its no fun anymore but thats when it gets real good for him. Most times its totally worth it, if it makes him get off really good and some of the fucks then are like real totally awesome. Finally he lets go of my balls and lets me breathe and I can feel HIS boner between my ass checks and on my back, I'm like sobbing and trying to catch air, and I feel like Ive been had and a floor mat, nothing more then a piece of meat to use like he wants to. Hes just moving some, his dick like forward and backwards in my ass crack and I'm like thinking PLEASE fuck me now, good and as hard as you can. But he doesnt, like he's gessed it and wont do it just cos I want him to. So he just fucks my crack till he blows all over my back and thenhe kinda sits up some and says what a fucking mess and gives me headnuckle. And he takes MY tshirt from the chair and wipes my back.

OK so I cant wear that to work tomorrow and I have to use one of his. I totally love wearing his stuff but he hates it so I already know I can grab one of his and if he thinks about it get racked so I'm hurting all day or put my T on with cum on it and someone is gonna say something stupid. I know hes doing it on purpose.

So then hes going back up on the couch and pulls me up to by my ear, and we're like exactly before he started and hes getting his nap and I feel sick and like shit, and try not to puke and not moving around so I wont keep him from napping. Oh god I love him! I feel him fall asleep and he feels so relaxed and his brething is like happy. His left arm is over me, and it feels heavy but thats only cos i'm about to get sick but I dont want to. Its so awesome to feel him next to me, and his arm over me is like it feels protective and also like at the same time like posessive. I feel happy and good in some way but I keep starting to think if I had put up a little fight like he likes it so much maybe I could have made him hurt me a lot worse and got fucked. I'm like thinking I did something wrong, and I wasnt good enough again. Or I chickened out again just like when it really was hurting so bad. Like I deserve it not to get fucked if I didnt do it good enough for him to make him want to rape my ass. I keep thinking he does what he wants anyway and most times he tells me when he really wants me to do something so whatever.

I must have of fell asleep, cos I woke up when he pushed me off on the floor. It was like already 2 in the morning and he's moving on to bed, so I get up and go after him. I'm feeling sick still, my balls got my stomach in a vise grip, but its not anymore like I'm gonna throw up any sec more like I got punched in the guts for 3 hours and no breaks. Hes already under the blanket and its looking like hes gonna go sleep. No good night fuck like always? what did I do wrong today?? So I slip in too and he turns around and says you want a fuck huh? Of course I want to say YES PLEASE but then he's not doing it for sure or he does it so I am DEF!! not gonna like it and if I say no or not really or something, he might fuck me over really bad so I cant go work tomorrow or he might say ok and just sleep. Its like I never know, damn if i say one thing and damn if I say the other. Hes not waiting for what I say anyways and just grabbing my neck down to blow him. Goes fast and hes asleep right after. I feel still real sick so for today its ok by me and I cuddle up after hes really asleep. He seems happy and thats what counts.

My BF's ex-ex

I guess I'm not that good at this blog cos I'm forgetting stuff. I was gonna write some about that ex-ex of my bf, the guy on the ranch. I'm like real curious about them. Thats the ex and the guys bf. I know I'm not gonna get to go along. My bf doesnt really say like exactly why, but from what I got, it's like he feels his ex got to say OK or fail to whoever hes bringing their.

Now I don't know if hes not wanting to get a bad signal for like ME or if he wouldn't bring me anyways cos then he'd have to say I'm poz, I cant speak right (like that the guy would figure out easy), maybe not say what all I did before. From what I hear the ex is like my bf, like this righteous thing, like its their way or no way, all us Americans are dumb stupid fucks, you know. But he, thats my bf now, he says his ex is more texan like people born here and I've seen pics and both the guys are like FAT!!!! and they look like country folk. If he hadnt told me I'd think their just normal people like every other redneck I know. But he and his ex they talk a lot on the phone, and like their real close like good friends still. They split up like years ago, many years. All the other ex's of my bf arent like that, most he kinda hates. Except one thats driving me crazy.

I think foreigners are like totally different. I LOVE mine but it's not like I understand him a lot. All the guys I always know, that are gay I mean, they get with a guy, fuck him a while and that it and they dump him and get the next guy. They just call it boyfriends and breakup, cos it sounds nicer. Or you just get to hook up a couple times, bend over as long as its good for the other guy and then its just over and they wont even tell you. OK for me its always been a bit different cos I'm just a fuckup but thats sort of how it goes.

My boyfriend is like totally different from anybody I know. OK some things I've always heard about some foreigners are like totally true. Like he's totally into kink and into ruff. He can't even get a boner for some vanilla stuff. Deep down their all nazis but they get all real mad if you say it. Like this: so he likes to watch all kinds of stuff about WWII but then he goes on and on and on how bad they were and thats its so unfair that everyone thinks of them just as nazi-likers. But hes got a Nazi knife to open his letters with and when we watch some nazi stuff on his TV shows hes getting a HUGE boner and I always get my brains fucked out. Like the other day, he had some documentary about german prisoners after WWII on and they were like POWs of us, and then it was like he took it out on me after. OK I got off like I havent in a while with him but it so fucking hurt. I could totally see him in a nazi camp really fucking over a lot of guys and loving it. thats just one thing.

I think foreigners are like really harsh. It's like their set in one way and theirs like totally absolutely nothing that gets them out of that way. like an engine on a track, try to stop that or get it off the track. Its like, every time I try to say something about why we cant be boyfriends and why I can't move in, it's like NO and he socks me cos hes thinking it got settled once and thats it. Like forever. Or with friends. Its like your his friend or his enemy. And if your his enemy your screwed for LIFE. I've seen like this one guy once. He kinda knew my bf from way back when but was on his bad list but I guess he figured after all this time it was like over or forgiven or whatever. And with like not one word, my bf socks him right in the face and its like bleeding crazy. The guy was like totally surprised and cried but my bf said dude I told you back then to stay the fuck away. That totally blew me away. I mean he wouldnt even talk to him, just BAM and thats that.

In a way I'd love to meet his ex, just cos I would see if their all the same or if thats just him, my bf. I know they cant all be such tuff badasses like him but still.

It's like they've got all these rules that only they know and its like this minefield cos you never know what your stepping on. For my bf its like the number #1 rule: never lie. Thats about the worst thing for him, lying. And then, like betrayal. Its like those can never be forgiven. And once your a friend its like a real friend and its really fucken hard to screw that up whatever you do. I mean its got to be really bad to mess it up then. But cos its so black and white, whats that mean for me? I know he digs me and in some way he cares for me a lot or be wouldnt let me hang around and make me get my ASE and all that. But I cant help thinking if I'm like his ex when he wasnt his ex yet, or just some fuck meat hes just using for a lot longer then most. Now I love when hes talking foreign to me when hes fucking me cos its HOT but its not so nice when hes talking with his ex and I dont know what their talking about. I've heard him say Kevin so their talking about me sometimes but he never tells me what.

It would prolly help me a lot if I could get to meet his ex some day and I'd be on my like totally best behavior but maybe understand him better. Its like I feel so stupid anyways cos my bf can speak other languges and his ex too, and he knows so much about like everything and I dont, and I dont even know all the mines I can step on all the times to fuck things up.

Euro Stuff .. but didn't work out

So this afternoon we're heading out to go to IKEA in Frisco. Hes wanting to buy some shelfs. I LOVE doing this euro stuff with him, cos he's always talking about how hes been goin to shop their like 20 years ago in whereever and all that and they got cool stuff. Its like I feel a little like I'm more in on that. But we're not even on the tollroad yet, going on 635 at like 70 and his Volvo dies again. Engine cut out. He's like swearing and I kinda shrink in my seat, just in case he's gonna sock me. On the side its only like a minute and the car starts again but he's like all pissy and goes off the freeway to the next PepBoys and we look under the hood. OK, HE looks under the hood cos he won't let me do anything on his car. Which I so totally don't get: first he pushs me to ASE school and beats the crap out of me when I skip class after work just cos I'm tired and rather be with him and not study and I fucken pass the exam and he still won't let me do nothing. Like he's the mechanic! Anyways the darn battery terminal cable is lose and the battery is all off base. So he gets like $40 worth of clamps and brackets and does it himself. And hes so fuckin pissed cos the shop fixed just that. They said they fixed it but the clamps were all dull so they couldnt have worked. And hes got the battery hold down only they didnt put it on.

Lucky he got over it fast and we goet back on the freeway but the car bucks again one more time but its not dying. He's not much in no mood anymore to go all the way up to Frisco if the car is just gonna break down. I so totally don't get why he's even going to that stupid shop anymore. They mess it up every time or if they fix one thing they break another. Like the seat belt reminder the other day. So he gets the car back after they fix the head gasket after they take all the time in the world for it while hes all pissed the entire time and lets me have it. Then they finally get it done and it keeps cutting out and then they fix that and he's even more pissed till they got it done. And then thats fixed too (or not like see earlier) and the car keeps making this "bing bing" from the seat belt reminder. So he's all ticked off again after work and by the time he gets home hes so worked up he racks me like the minute he sees me and later works me over real good. I could of told him some bitch in the shop pulled a cable from one of them seats just to fuck with him but he didnt want to hear nothing. I don't get it why he keeps going their. I wouldn't let those motherfuckers touch my truck with a pole! Not that I need to anyways cos most I do myself.

So on the way back we stop at a gas station to stock up on the coke zero he likes so much and he seems this blond guy and checks him out. Like I don't notice it. Or he knows but he don't care. I hate it. I'm always scared hes picking up some guy thats hotter then me. And then he did this thing I so dred: he looks at the guy, and I know that dude is his type, totally. And then he looks at me and at the guy again and it's like my stomach cramps up. It's like this test, always, like he compares me to who ever he's just getting a boner for. At least this one goes my way cos he doesnt chat the dud eup and we just leave. I'm like so relievd. It's like this every day, like living on the edge, like he might of dump me any day. I think a lot about his last ex, this guy Riley. I met him only a couple times with the group and at his house, like after they were already over. Riley hated my guts, a lot, like it was my fault he got dumped. But I kinda know what hes been going thru, cos if I ever get dumped (god help me it wont happen) I'd be so crushed too and I'd hate the guy thats gonan take my place. Or kill him. I dunno, like I would really care what happens to me if this is ever over. Anyways.

So from the gas station we get home. Oh and he also got his lottery tickets their but he just puts them on the stack of all the others. He never checks them, only like when their about to no longer be valid then he does. I dont get that also, I mean if you buy the lottery won't you check like if you won? Not him. So we're home and I put the cokes in the fridge and when I get up be kicks me right in the balls. He loves doing that when I dont think about it and he got me good. And hes got his evil grin and I'm like on the kitchen floor holding my balls and coughing. He's just happy hes got me good and goes to turn on his foreign TV and puts his fav sweat pants on and lies on the couch. It took me a couple minutes till I could get up and I didn't wanna stay just their in the kitchen so I get up. Like always I dunno if I'm supposed to go be with him and watch the TV where I dont understand one word (but cool to watch and they have a lot more nudity even some frontal) or just get lost for a bit, play on the computer or something. But he just kind of waves at me and I know what he means so I strip naked and go lie with him. I was glad I could, I like sort of cuddling with him like that. I can feel him and how warm he is and his muscles. And sooner or later he usually gets horned up, so. Like almost always when we lie on the couch he grabs my balls and plays with them and I dont know if he thinks about it or just does it with no thinking but he always squeez them and pulls so it hurts. He likes it a lot when I flinch and he can do it for hours on end, or till he gets up for a smoke or sends me to get something to drink or whatever.

I feel him behind me and I can feel when he's getting a boner from all the nut playing. Sometimes like earlier I can't wait for him getting horned up enough so he's gonna wanna fuck but if I get too gay he wont do it. So I just flinch and buck some till I get his boner right up my ass crack and with that I can usually work his boner till he's ready to go for it. I dunno if he knows and just lets it happen or if he is catching me doing that like on purpose sometimes. But if he thinks I'm trying to get him to fuck me, I so def won't be and then it's like open game on my nuts. It's like a punishment. I like it rough and on the balls and whatever he's up to to get off on but he always does like double of whats hot and THAT's what turns him on. In a way it's like damn if you do and damn if you dont for me. He always wants me to fight it, like he needs an excuse to hit me even more (yeah right he does it anyways) and sometimes I do just to make it better for him but it gets me hurt a lot more. In the end the fucks are GREAT if he wants me to like it. Its more important he gets off real good cos that makes me happy but its nicer if I get to cum real good too. Its always hard to tell tho. Sometimes he just wants to be nice and then I get to cum like crazy. Sometimes it's like he gets a bad consience for hurting me so bad so it's like he makes up and I get to cum like crazy. And then sometimes he's just like mean and its no fun for me, just hurts like shit!! But he gets off real good, and if I'm crying real bad it totally works for him. Its all good for me as long as he gets off awesome but I always feel like shit and just some fuck meat for him when it's like that. I just keep telling myself sometimes he needs it more like what feels for him like a rape and I help keep him out of jail if he can mess with me or beat the crap out of me when hes in a mood like that. Better me then some Joe whos gonna make trouble for him.

Earlier worked out OK though. I guess he didnt really like whatever show he was watching, like it was boring or something cos I could tell he wasnt really paying no attention to it and he started to really work my balls and he got real hard behind me. LOL I was so ready for another good long fuck .. so great! When I couldn't hold it in any longer and started to make noise when he squeezed down he got tired of playing and pushed me off the couch and as soon as I was on my feet to the bedroom. Finally! I got on my back as most times and pulled up my legs and spread them some and my hands in my neck and he did what he so LOVES to do: punch my balls. I could tell he was already totally horned up cos I only had to spread them for a couple sucker punches and then he was ready to turn me over and nail my ass. With him it's in a way a lot the same and also always different. I thought he was just gonna ram it in like always and grab my balls to keep me squealing, so i was on my knees and my shoulders and anxius for him to go. But like I never know he didnt and he just kicked me in the balls. I didn't even notice he got up, but he kicked me so hard I was flying forward and hit the wall with my head. I bet if the old queen upstairs heard me scream he was jerking off again... funny I could think of that right their. I know better by now not to try to protect my balls, so I tried to grab my own neck as hard as I could and get some air. From the kick i was like half curled up but I know whats coming so I made like this lame try to kick him or something, but the pain from my balls kind of cramped my belly so it wasnt much of a kick, i guess more like a flinch with my leg. He pulled me back by my balls and I bet if the old queen didnt hear me before he heard me now. He held me down by my balls and out his rubber on and I tried not to squeal too much and now I was finally going to get his dick. He is such a tease sometimes. I so wish I wasnt poz and he wouldnt have to use no rubbers!! Anyway. He's fucked me soo many times and he still can make it hurt. I know he doesnt think of me as like I was a sissy when I grunt or make a groan or something when he rams it in. He WANTS it to hurt and that makes him so rock hard!! Today was one of my luckier days, he did me good and long and hard. Even if I wine or bitch sometimes, I love it that hes only into ruff and violent. After a while the pain isnt so bad anymore and I can't get enough or maybe I just don't care anymore and just want to get off like so many times before with him. And feel him CUM like awesome so he's really happy. I got fucked by a LOT of guys in my life but nobody fucks like him. He fucks like god like he's a natural and has a gift. Like a priest maybe, I know its kind of a weird thing to say. I've had to watch him fuck other guys before and I wonder sometimes if I am like most of them with like this stupid face what they make when all they care is just get to finish this one fuck. I prolly do.

Today was really a good day cos in the end when I was more then ready to shoot my load, he jerked me up like he does sometimes with his arm around my neck, his hand on my balls and his dick plowing my ass, and choked the fuck out of me so I saw stars in black and ripped my balls like he was gonna tear them off. I felt him cumming and GOOOD so I could let go, too. He likes to make me cum first like he controls when and how I get to cum but I like to feel him cum first so I know its been good for him and it's like this block in me that keep sme from cumming till he gets off and then I can. I didn't hit the high mark on the wall, but I got close, hehe. He likes it a lot when I shoot a big load. When I started shooting cum he squeezed and ripped my balls even more. Thats like better then any trip I used to be on like ecstacy, totally extreme pain, feel his dick up my ass, and cum and cum and cum. He didnt let go of me, just let me have a little more air and playing hard with my balls still. This is like the best moment, he got off great, he saw me cum good, so he gets to feel like the stud he is and he is enjoying it. Right their I'm like SOOO his bitch and I'm happy about it. I've been thinking if I could feel like this all the time that must be what its like when you die and get to go to heven. Of course its not like that now, when he comes down some and pulls out, he tightens the grip on my neck again and then my balls get it real good till I cry hard and beg. Thats how its like with him, theirs always a price to pay.

Later we went up the street to the Panda to get some food. I wasnt really ready to walk around and all but I also dont like it when hes out by himself, who knows if he picks up some guy and doesnt come back till he messed with him or whatever. So I tagged along and this hispanic dude behind the counter starts all smiling and flirting when he sees my bf. I guess he's kinda cute and sooo obvius he'd drop everything and his job to come along to get laid but I know FAT chance like my bf would fuck some spick, cute or not. And whose gonna do some guy called Uldaldo? Is that even a real name. I cant help but think how these guys even do it when they check what their in for. I mean I bet they may like a little ruff or bearit out but most scream like hell when hes getting to their balls. Sometimes I feel bad for them but most times I am happy in a mean way cos they wont be back ever.

On the way out back to the car (didnt die anymore) he saw I had trouble walking, it still fucking hurt. And he puts his arm around my neck and pulls. I bet he tried to be nice but he can't just show it. But I love it when he tuches me, it makes me tingle every time. I live for those moments and their rare. Then after we were eating, ok he was done like fast cos he always inhales his food and I mess with them damn chopsticks he always gets, he was sorting out more of his stuff that still isnt set up at the new place even though hes been living here for months. He didnt get the shelfs hes been wanting to since we didnt make it to IKEA but theirs so much. He showed me some pics he unpacked from way back in Europe. Like from some car show in Luxemburg, thats like in the Netherlands or something. He's done like soo much stuff and been so many places. I love seeing it and hear all the stories but it makes me feel so stupid like what have I done, and why do I even get to stick around. I try not to think about that.

Now he is still napping. I dont know if I should wake him up or something, cos if he wakes up like after midnight, he can't go back to sleep easy. Then he is just gonna be horny again and then I will be late for work again and him too. But its tricky. Sometimes he's all nice and comfy when I wake him and I get to cuddle and sometimes he gets really pissy if hes been sleeping real deep already. Hard to tell.