Today is my birthday

So today is my birthday. And I am 29 now, thats almost 30.

Birthdays used to be fun, all big parties and getting fucked up, gangbangs or whatever, all that

but with 29 I am not "cute" anymore and I guess I should feel all adult. Mostly I have been really depressed to extremely depressed all day and just before lunch I went to the bathroom and cried. I don't really know why, I just felt it coming and I went to the bathroom cos I didnt want anyone to see. At work nobody knew it was my birthday anyway.

Back when Noah was still there, he kept a calendar of everyone's birthday and always did something special. Nothing like really big but he'd tell the manager and the maneger would come and say happy b-day and then there would be like a little cake for everyone like for desert or something.

My boyfriend is like waaay too sweet right now it worries me. Last night he woke me like most nights when he gets horny again. But he only said happy birthday, and he didnt hit me and he didnt fuck me, just held me and was being nice. Normally he just hits me and fucks me till he gets off and I can get back to sleep since I have to be at work at 7:30 but that way I couldnt go back to sleep cos I was worriing about what was going on.. he is never like that. I thought maybe he just waits until I drift off and THEN he hits my nuts like extra hard and fucks me till I cry or something like that.. like cos its my birthday but nothing. After I while I knew he just went back to sleep. I dont know that worried me even more.. he is always so horny, and one night he only fucks me once? I dont know maybe he fucked someone else earlier? defenetiely nothing I could go back to sleep on.

I hate stuff thats out of the oridenary. This evening I had to work late and i called him to let him know so he doesn't think I am just late and he didnt even quizz me about it or checked with my manager if I was lying. When he says oh dotn worry its ok then I really start to worry. But he was all sweet and he even had a present for me!!! The same watch he got that I love so much.. bright yellow it looks so happy and like summer. He even let me chose if I wanted his or the new one and of course I wanted HIS and he knew it and let me have it. And then he hugged me (!!!) .. and he didnt knee me in the balls or anything he just hugged. That almost made my stomach turn cos I knew something is up.. he is NEVER liek that in over 4 years, almost 5. And then he kind of kissed me!! and said happy birthday again. That wa sjust too much I knew he was just going to dump me now and being sweet about it and I completely broke down. I don't want to live anymore if he dumps me. He is NEVER ever that nice.. I couldnt help it it just came over me and I couldnt stop it, it was just  too much.

It took like a good half hour or so until he got  me to listen enough to say he wasnt going to dump me at all. Now I feel sooooo stupid but I am also so releeved!!! I guess just cos its my birthday and I am so horrified I am getting too old for him I am a little on the fritz. He always fucks these really young hot guys .. and he never lies about it or makes me watch and then he says I am older but still the hottest cos he can really hit me so hard and it gets him off. Every thime he says that with my age it makes me flinch and I guess on birthdays its the worst and next year it's 30 OH MY GOD.

I think it put him off some that I so totally broke down earlier about that.. he hates sissies so much. Josh didnt say anything and maybe its just my imagination 'cos I am so on the fritz today. Now he is cooking dinner and said for me to chill some. He even gave me some red wine and said its ok to drink.

Josh also said he was actually taking me out for dinner but if I am "a little emotional" maye is better if we stay in and he cooks some. I am kind of really glad cos I HATE going out and always have to studder to the waiter and everyone and tonight I think it would of been really bad anyways. But my stomach is having cramps... Josh is never so nice and it makes me worry. I hope he is not just being sweet for one last fuck and tomorrow morning he kicks me out... almost 5 years is a looooong time for him to fuck just one ass more than others. If he does I kill myself. Maybe I am also just totally stupid. With Josh I never know and thats what he likes that you never know.. maybe he is just real sweet for a day cos its my birthday and next week he beats the hell out of me and I am in the ER again. I don't know if I should be worried or not. he is in the kitchen and fryign something and seems happy and I dont know if I should go and stand around or not cos I don't want to piss him off or anything.

Why does it have to hurt so much to love somebody and why does it have to be so complicated? Can't I just love a guy like him and it be easy, and maybe he loves me back a little too and not just getting off on me like crazy? I am TOTALLY fine with the getting off on me if thats why he lets me stick around

or maybe I am just really off the roll today and emotional on birthdays and its just all in my imagination. I know like when you read this you prolly think I am stupid. My bf (who I cant say is my boyfriend) is nice he got me a present, he is cooking us dinner, and later he will definitely fuck my brains out (THAT part at least is predictible) so what can I be bitching about or worry. I dont know I just cant think of living without him

6 years ago when I was still a junkie I knew how to fix this.. I would just get so high and I knew all the dudes that would fuck me for hours and I would forget about all that worry. The sucky part is that I know that know and I cant do that and its SO HARD not just to get wasted on ways Josh couldnt say much about like vicodin that I would say is meds. Maybebe he wouldnt catch me but if he did, i know he is DEAD serious that he would a) break my balls first and b) dump me second.

There were SO MANY times when that was my last rescue when I was THIS close to give in and get high. I know Josh isnt' shitting and if he catches me doing drugs then he WILL 1st break my balls in no way I dig and 2nd he WILL dump me. And cos I know he isnt shitting me when it gets down to it, I don't do it. He is my  life saver. Not just the guy who fucks my brains out and makes me cum 10 feet sometimes, or the guy who hurts me worse than any of the fucks that were foster dads or other guys I've been with, or the guy who hits me just cos he had a bad day, but also the guy I love with more than I can imagine and the guy I love.

And I sit here and worry he could dump me for getting older or whatever. Now I kind of feel stupid myself typing this. At least you know why I always use "FUBAR" in my chat names or whatever. I defeneitely am fucked up beyond all recog.

I guess I take it a day at a time (or however that goes). Tognith he is defeneitely going to have me hard and tomorrow we see

thanks for reading.. somehow I feel better now and I will go in the kitchen and see what hes up to. Worst case he's gonna kick me in the nuts and thats not the worst thing cos hes gonna get a boner