Flecktarn and Water Chronicles - by Kevin FUBAR

New french CCE Field Uniforms for the next hunt

2012-02-09T16:41:00.000-06:00

Original French Army CCE camouflage fabric, made to the longer and wider German Army field trouser pattern by a German manufacturer, the French CCE central european camouflage trousers are highly effective in European woodland and scrubland environments. The french fabric is a soft, moleskin type weave in a medium to heavy weight cloth with some stretch provided by the weave. The french CCE camouflage is a four colour with grey/tan, dark green, dark brown and black colouration and the camouflage pattern is wider than the US woodland camouflage with which is shares some similarities.

Working out.. January 2012

2012-02-09T16:21:00.001-06:00

been working out a lot!

I had put this up on my recon already

Thanks for all the comments!!

2012-02-09T16:14:00.000-06:00

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on here .. that is very nice of you. Sorry I did not write anything in such a long time but I hope today was a good start to get back into it.

at the Hunts: Prisoner Uniforms

2012-02-09T16:05:00.000-06:00

Uniforms of prisoners taken PoW after catching at the hunts, and after getting stripped, so they can dry

Flecktarn Feb 8th - now location

2012-02-09T15:59:00.001-06:00

Last evening was flecktarn night again like very Wednesday evening.

Went direct from work, and pulled over at a parking lot to change from my work cloths in the flecktarn uniform and boots. After last week weere flecktarn got cancelled it was at a new place this time. Not even a dive bar but it looked more like a 4H hangout ... no bar or anything and they had the beers in ice chests. When I got there, only 5 other guys were there, i think word hadnt got around where it was and not many more showed up later, and my boyfriend didn't come either. He would have been ok for me not to go but Master Mitchell wouldnt have it. He was there and also was Big Joe that muscle black guy that hates my guts. I wasn't feeling too good when I saw Joe was their ... and he had that mean grin already on his fat face when I came in.

Joe waved me right over to him when I walked in and so I went to him and the first thing he did was punch me totally hard low in the guts so I folded and went down right in front of him. He didnt even get up from his stool. When I was down on my knees in front of him holding my gut he said "you and I we are gonna have some fun tonight" and kicked me so I fell back on the floor. He said to get up and then to sit on a chair in the corner and he threw a can of beer at me, which I caught. Lucky, 'cos else it would have hit me in the head. So I sat down on the chair drinking the beer and waited what next.

It is basically a big room, on the side of a garage/barn building, just like I said like a 4H meeting room. At the one wall were chairs all stacked up and a few standing around and on the other some folding tables, 2 or 3 set up the reat folded and leaning against the wall. 2 big ice chests on the floor with the beer and drinks, two solid square posts to support the roof, like 12x12's, and a few tall stools to sit on. The room has a big double-wide door to the parking lot and another wide door to the barn/garage in the back.

After about 20 mins, Joe and the guys drinking a couple beers to warm up, Master Mitchell showed up and said hi to the guys and grabbed a beer himself. To me, he just looked and pointed to one of the big posts without one word, so I got up and stood against it. I already knew I would go on the post the whole time.

Then after standing against the post for a while like stupid, Master Mitchell waved the 2 younger guys over to me and they tied my wrists and then my elbows together tight behind the post and then also my boots so my feet were more on the sides of the post and not in front, making me kind of hang against the rope, I didn't have a balance.

Then Big Joe came over and unbuttoned my flecktarn shirt and said to me "don't you love it when a nigger beats the shit out of your white ass" and had this mean wide smile across his black face. I guess it's ok if they call themselfs that, I always get in trouble for it.

Then he punched me really hard about 20 times or so, slow and mothodically, one over the navel and one below and so on and then 3 right upwards in the solar plexus. Big Joe has huge arms so his punches really hurt. I could maybe flex up for the first 5 but with that weird way I was hanging in the ropes and how he laid it in, I couldn't for long and then he went in deep. After that first round I felt pretty beat already and in tears but I knew this was war from over. The others guys were all cheering him on and laughing.

Then Big Joe grinned even meaned and pushed my chin up so he could get right in my face and look me in the eye and big big belly touched mine and he said "arent you gonna cry for me you little lillywihte fuck" and then nailed me hard in the balls with his knee and he got both really bad and it made me scream out loud. I had halfway expected it, I know Big Joe too good but also half not.

With that he left me hanging there at the post and I was retching hard. I couldn't even kinda put my legs together because they tied my boots so that they were on the sides of the post. I cramped pretty badly because I was just hanging their and it really hurt in my shoulders since they had also tied my elbows together. So i was just retching and spitting on the floor trying not to be sick. My balls were hurting like FUCK even tho he had only kneed me once but hard with a vengince.

They left me alone for a while, they were drinking beer and joking and stuff. I guess 45 mins or so? My shoulders were hurting really bad by then just from hanging their so weird. Then Master Mitchel told the two younger guys to go over "to fuck with him". They were at first a litle awkward like they didn't know what to do best so one of them took swings with his fist at my balls and the other grabbed some pieces of rope and tied them at the end and then hit me with the big nott swinging it at me hitting my shoulders and chest and ass and legs.

The Big Joe came back over again and I cringed a little cos I knew this was not going to be fun and he grabbed my throat and pushed my head up so i wasn't hanging their so limp and I could hardly breath then, and he said "now you got to cry for me baby like a little girl" and he started kneeing me in the balls and after the 3rd I was crying pretty hard. He did it about 10 times and in the end asked "want me to stop white boy" and I said yes please but he didn't. Then I got sick and started to throw up a little and he let me be and the other guys untied me and Master Mitchel told them to take me outside, and they did that. They more or less carried me, I couldn't walk on my own. Outside I really threw up then and they didn't hit me or anything, they just dropped me and waited until I was done and then they helped me up again and one of them asked if I needed a minute but I know better... best to go right back in. If Master Mitchell has to send someone after us to check that makes it only much worse.

I thought maybe with that I was hopefully done for the night. When Big Joe busts my balls he does it with a hate and so hard it feels he wants to break them for good so I was in really serious fucking pain and crying still. The guys helped me back inside and Master Mitchel told one of them to "hold the little fuck up" and Big Joe punched my gts a couple more times really REALLY hard saying "now you wont puke in my fucking face you little white sissy shithead". The guy holding me up and a hard time to do that because I doubled over so hard from the punches. After a few of those he couldn't and let go and I fell down hard. Big joe kicked me teice in the guts when i was on the floor and then let go.

They left me right there on the floor and about a half hour later they were done for the evening, nobody else was going to show up I gess. So they just dragged me outside and dropped me next to my LTD in the dirt, and Big Joe said "if I needed a good night kiss" but I gess I flinched and he laughed and then they all left. A little while later I felt good enough to get into my car and drive home (to my boyfriends place) but he wasn't home yet so I showers and went to bed. When he came home later too, he came to bed a while later and of course was horny like always and he noticed I took a beating when he slapped my nuts and I jumped. He said seems like i had got beat up good and said "thats hot" and didn't hold back at all getting himself off on (in) me. That was pretty wild, i was glad he got off very good but i didn't cum this time I was way too beat. But he let me cuddle up with him after he was done.

The guys at work were awesome

2012-02-09T12:30:00.000-06:00

(this is a sample pic not from my work)

About 3 weeks ago now at work, we were all just doing our jobs and this customer drove all around to the back and didn't even go to the office first. He got out of his truck and just yelled into the shop if someone could look at his engine. He didn't yell at anyone special just wanted attention. Behaved like a redneck LOL.

Before anyone could even tell him to go to the office first, this guy looked at me and then yelled loud again, "anyone?" and then, and still looking at me, "no fucking faggot though". I have absolutely no clue why he would think of me as that, but hey.. maybe he has a working gaydar.

Anyway two of the guys then walked out to him and one dropped his wrench right in front of the guy so that it almost hit the dudes feet, and said very loud to him "nobody is gonna work on your fucking truck, no faggots or otherwise and you better fuck off really fast" and he really got in his face. With that several of the other guys also came out and the dude got in his truck and peeled out.

I thought that was SO AWESOME!! They all went back to work as if nothing was happened, just one of them grinned at me. They all know by now that I am gay and all that but it's cool. That is a long long long way since the days Shane worked there and he could throw and hit me with bolts or wrenches and nobody would stop him or say anything!!

Interesting to watch for hours!

2011-10-09T14:33:00.001-05:00

on my facebook that didn't work (I think they dont like animated pics)

Magic!!! and Blog Permission

2011-10-09T14:17:00.002-05:00

Hey y'all!

I know I haven't written anything in a long time, but my boyfriend told me to "quit doing this shit", so I quit writing of course.

But today, he broke down in heavy rain with his car, and it would not start at all anymore, totally dead, so I walked the 2 miles in the rain to where he was and I made it start again so he could drive home (me with him of course). On the way I asked him if I could maybe at least write about this on my blog and he said "ok fine if it make you happy write on that stupid blog". so woohoo!!! I can write again.

SO... I guess I will be posting more ... again!!

Thank y'all for following and being patient with what my bf lets me do and whatnot

Kevin

P.S.: we had (free) tickets to go see the TX-OU game today but with the weather and all the crowds we didn't go. Now I am glad we didn't!!!

Translations

2011-02-21T08:53:00.002-06:00

Hey all,

again I haven't written anything in a while (sometimes my boyfriend hates the blog, sometimes he doesn't care, and sometimes he asks if I don't write anything anymore??), and I did get some emails or in chat some people would say whats up with the blog.

So I will write some more :)

For today I added the translate widget, so that all those people that don't speak English too good can also read it. It looks funny in Danish or Russian... just pick the language on the top right (takes a moment to translate)

Кевин FUBAR блог на русском языке
Kevin Fubar blog på dansk
Kevin FUBAR blog in Afrikaans
凯文中国fubar博客
Kevin fubar blog kwa Kiswahili
Kevin Fubar blog di Melayu

Usually I would be long at work already, but today I have to go see the doc for my regular checkup, so I have a little time.

First Post this Year!

Candy Land

2010-08-01T12:11:00.001-05:00

did you watch this video?
Kate Perry feat. Snoop Dogg - "California Gurlz"

You don't have to be an ex-junkie like me to get the message that getting high is cool. I don't know if that's so good.

BEACH - CANDY - SEX ....
..... ah the good times :-)

Yolanda Be Cool & Dcup - We No Speak Americano

2010-08-01T12:05:00.000-05:00

it's 105F degrees and POOL TIME!!

Time to get wet, get drowned a little ... :-)

the last 2 weeks I went to the pool after work almost every day (mostly with Josh!!)

I love it when we smell like sun from being out all day, SPF-55 on the skin, pool, cum, ...

this is good music to go with it, from Aussie land

Kylie Minogue - All The Lovers

2010-08-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

cool music and very good for the pool ... but only straight people in it for "lovers"

Frustration Balls

2010-08-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

I just saw these on facebook and Josh found (and bought) them on the website (ravenseden.com):

he got them in skin color though. he said when I am not around he can practice on them, or when we are around somewhere in public and gets horny (like he is ever not horny), I get to see what he does later with mine when hes got the chance.

He also bought some nasty slap glove though that he saw while looking for the squeeze balls.

Today is my birthday

2010-07-27T20:59:00.000-05:00

So today is my birthday. And I am 29 now, thats almost 30.

Birthdays used to be fun, all big parties and getting fucked up, gangbangs or whatever, all that

but with 29 I am not "cute" anymore and I guess I should feel all adult. Mostly I have been really depressed to extremely depressed all day and just before lunch I went to the bathroom and cried. I don't really know why, I just felt it coming and I went to the bathroom cos I didnt want anyone to see. At work nobody knew it was my birthday anyway.

Back when Noah was still there, he kept a calendar of everyone's birthday and always did something special. Nothing like really big but he'd tell the manager and the maneger would come and say happy b-day and then there would be like a little cake for everyone like for desert or something.

My boyfriend is like waaay too sweet right now it worries me. Last night he woke me like most nights when he gets horny again. But he only said happy birthday, and he didnt hit me and he didnt fuck me, just held me and was being nice. Normally he just hits me and fucks me till he gets off and I can get back to sleep since I have to be at work at 7:30 but that way I couldnt go back to sleep cos I was worriing about what was going on.. he is never like that. I thought maybe he just waits until I drift off and THEN he hits my nuts like extra hard and fucks me till I cry or something like that.. like cos its my birthday but nothing. After I while I knew he just went back to sleep. I dont know that worried me even more.. he is always so horny, and one night he only fucks me once? I dont know maybe he fucked someone else earlier? defenetiely nothing I could go back to sleep on.

I hate stuff thats out of the oridenary. This evening I had to work late and i called him to let him know so he doesn't think I am just late and he didnt even quizz me about it or checked with my manager if I was lying. When he says oh dotn worry its ok then I really start to worry. But he was all sweet and he even had a present for me!!! The same watch he got that I love so much.. bright yellow it looks so happy and like summer. He even let me chose if I wanted his or the new one and of course I wanted HIS and he knew it and let me have it. And then he hugged me (!!!) .. and he didnt knee me in the balls or anything he just hugged. That almost made my stomach turn cos I knew something is up.. he is NEVER liek that in over 4 years, almost 5. And then he kind of kissed me!! and said happy birthday again. That wa sjust too much I knew he was just going to dump me now and being sweet about it and I completely broke down. I don't want to live anymore if he dumps me. He is NEVER ever that nice.. I couldnt help it it just came over me and I couldnt stop it, it was just too much.

It took like a good half hour or so until he got me to listen enough to say he wasnt going to dump me at all. Now I feel sooooo stupid but I am also so releeved!!! I guess just cos its my birthday and I am so horrified I am getting too old for him I am a little on the fritz. He always fucks these really young hot guys .. and he never lies about it or makes me watch and then he says I am older but still the hottest cos he can really hit me so hard and it gets him off. Every thime he says that with my age it makes me flinch and I guess on birthdays its the worst and next year it's 30 OH MY GOD.

I think it put him off some that I so totally broke down earlier about that.. he hates sissies so much. Josh didnt say anything and maybe its just my imagination 'cos I am so on the fritz today. Now he is cooking dinner and said for me to chill some. He even gave me some red wine and said its ok to drink.

Josh also said he was actually taking me out for dinner but if I am "a little emotional" maye is better if we stay in and he cooks some. I am kind of really glad cos I HATE going out and always have to studder to the waiter and everyone and tonight I think it would of been really bad anyways. But my stomach is having cramps... Josh is never so nice and it makes me worry. I hope he is not just being sweet for one last fuck and tomorrow morning he kicks me out... almost 5 years is a looooong time for him to fuck just one ass more than others. If he does I kill myself. Maybe I am also just totally stupid. With Josh I never know and thats what he likes that you never know.. maybe he is just real sweet for a day cos its my birthday and next week he beats the hell out of me and I am in the ER again. I don't know if I should be worried or not. he is in the kitchen and fryign something and seems happy and I dont know if I should go and stand around or not cos I don't want to piss him off or anything.

Why does it have to hurt so much to love somebody and why does it have to be so complicated? Can't I just love a guy like him and it be easy, and maybe he loves me back a little too and not just getting off on me like crazy? I am TOTALLY fine with the getting off on me if thats why he lets me stick around

or maybe I am just really off the roll today and emotional on birthdays and its just all in my imagination. I know like when you read this you prolly think I am stupid. My bf (who I cant say is my boyfriend) is nice he got me a present, he is cooking us dinner, and later he will definitely fuck my brains out (THAT part at least is predictible) so what can I be bitching about or worry. I dont know I just cant think of living without him

6 years ago when I was still a junkie I knew how to fix this.. I would just get so high and I knew all the dudes that would fuck me for hours and I would forget about all that worry. The sucky part is that I know that know and I cant do that and its SO HARD not just to get wasted on ways Josh couldnt say much about like vicodin that I would say is meds. Maybebe he wouldnt catch me but if he did, i know he is DEAD serious that he would a) break my balls first and b) dump me second.

There were SO MANY times when that was my last rescue when I was THIS close to give in and get high. I know Josh isnt' shitting and if he catches me doing drugs then he WILL 1st break my balls in no way I dig and 2nd he WILL dump me. And cos I know he isnt shitting me when it gets down to it, I don't do it. He is my life saver. Not just the guy who fucks my brains out and makes me cum 10 feet sometimes, or the guy who hurts me worse than any of the fucks that were foster dads or other guys I've been with, or the guy who hits me just cos he had a bad day, but also the guy I love with more than I can imagine and the guy I love.

And I sit here and worry he could dump me for getting older or whatever. Now I kind of feel stupid myself typing this. At least you know why I always use "FUBAR" in my chat names or whatever. I defeneitely am fucked up beyond all recog.

I guess I take it a day at a time (or however that goes). Tognith he is defeneitely going to have me hard and tomorrow we see

thanks for reading.. somehow I feel better now and I will go in the kitchen and see what hes up to. Worst case he's gonna kick me in the nuts and thats not the worst thing cos hes gonna get a boner

Antonov 225 - biggest aircraft

2010-07-24T06:40:00.001-05:00

I got these pics from my friend Hugh in Canada:

all of them are in my picasa:

http://picasaweb.google.com/KevinRFUBAR/Antonov225#

VOTE Please!!

2010-07-24T06:20:00.000-05:00

I am at a TOTAL (!!) loss if, who, and how many actually read all this crap I write on my blog.

Lately I have been writing more about important things like the Oil Spill and HIV/AIDS and those things.

But I wonder if anyone is interested in that or if you just want to read about sex stuff and pain.

Please vote or say why you read my blog?

kevinriederer@yahoo.com

Thanks
Kev

HIV Viral loads and your life circumstances

2010-07-23T21:52:00.001-05:00

In this week's Dallas Vioice is an article about Dustin Mattlage who is HIV liek me and who got evicted. And now his viral load went through the roof. They are trying to show that if you got stress in your life or a lot it can affect how your HIV goes.

My own tcell count too a nosedive last week but like my bf (and my doc) said it bounced back. And I don't even have any special stress.. I love my bf and he fucks me, I have a job and do ok. But I freak when my tcell do down with no reason and I have a lil bit of an obsession to check for any signs of karposi. Thats what really freaks me out what if I start getting that what will my bf say or do.. like if hes gonna puke and dump me.

"Mattlage said a recent 200-point drop in his CD4 count was caused by the stress of a current eviction demonstrates the importance of stable housing for people living with AIDS." I think that is def true. I have my own place and I pay my rent but what I really want is to move in with my boyfriend like all official but he gets mad when I even bring it up. I do worry whats gonna happen tho if I get really sick. The meds make me feel like shit and throw up and all that sometimes, but it's not that I am really SICK. I was a lot more sick when I was still a junkie years ago, only it didn't feel like it, but I was.

Anyway I figured I should mention this one. The full story is in the papers this week and its online here too: Dallas Voice Story

SAWSTOP in TimeWarp

2010-07-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

what is this?

2010-07-03T21:18:00.000-05:00

also from Hugh:

Credit Card Insert
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

I get that she was too dumb not to know it's not an ATM, 'cos ATMs are not at work - but what is a "floppy drive"? Her tits?

Ontario Police entrance exam

2010-07-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

from my friend Hugh Roney.
I should move to this Ontario!!!

A Toronto man is seeking to join the Toronto Police Force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal Jamaican immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for Virginity

2010-06-26T13:28:00.001-05:00

Hey all,

I guess it is about time for a new post. That huge oil spill really tears me up, that's why I put those videos up, but didn't feel like writing much about it.

It's like I take my re-usable bag to the grocery store, to save a plastic bag made from oil, and at the same time we spill 1 MILLION BARRELS into the ocean. Just feels so pointless.

And speaking of pointless: "Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for Virginity" I got that from my friend Hugh in his daily funny e-mails from Canadia (I couldn't come up with that of course). Obviously, there is a lot of truth in that. Let me talk about Fighting for Peace first:

I met a gut this week, who brought his car to the shop where I work. Pan gasket blown, so his engine was really loosing a lot of oil, and that takes a long time to fix. He knew it. Did not have a ride, so he was just waiting and waiting and waiting to see what we could do. This is one of those un-thankful jobs, so I got it.

LOL I am not complaining, but my efficiency rating is really good, and even tho all my coworkers are really cool with me, it starts ticking them off a bit. And management is really happy with me, but they think the other guys should have a chance to get their hands on the efficiency bonus - only they SUCK and don't care to do a good job, and that is why they don't get it. OK let's just say it is a bit rocky at work, and I get the hard cases, and everyone else the easy ones right now.

Yeah, so this dude. He came with his truck and it was dripping coming in, and he didn't even have a ride. He looked messed up, like, you know, broken. He was sitting on the curb, sort of waiting for the verdict, LOL. I could see him from my bay. So I went up to the office and told them the truck needs at least the pan gasket and looks like the water pump (cos it's leaking), meaning timing belt, too. The guy zip-tied one of the cables inside, so he didn't look like he had that kind of money to spend. Mike did not really want to tell him, so he said if I wanted to show it to the customer? He said the book says at least 12 hours labor for all, and if he asked, the gasket is $50 and the water pump $130, but he should be doing the timing belt, too.

Normally I NEVER talk to customers except when they come to the back to get their cars and to give me a tip LOL.. but I got this vibe about that guy and that is why I said ok. So I went to him ont he curb and said dude you wanna come look and he just got up and sort of trotted after me. I really don't know why, but he gave me the vibe that he's been through a lot. And not even old, I figured younger than me, maybe 25, and in some ways cute.

So I show him where the gasket popped out and why it is leaking so badly. Adn where the water pump leaks. He just looks and doesn't say a word, so I tell him the tranny has to come out to raise the engine a bit to get the pan off, otherwise I can't get to the gasket. And he gives me this look, that reads like "I am so fucked" but it's like a sad thing. He didn't even say anything, so I told him yeah thats a lot of hours. I don't even have the heart to tell him what the waterpump costs and about the timing belt, and for sure not about anti-freeze and HazMat and all the stuff Mike adds up to it in the office.

Thats why I HATE to talk to customers .. I feel bad for them, but it's not my fault that there cars are often so fucked up and it just is a lot of work and parts to get them back together! And in a way, especielly with this dude... I felt he just got screwed royally and thats why I even agreed to go talk to him. I guess I felt I could relay to what he is going through, whatever that is.

OK, I am not wanting to lie to you but I had kid of a GUT feel what that was.. he looked like a military guy, one of those vets that got back and are waaaayyyy too fucked up to get back into normal life. It was just a vibe but he sure looked and acted the part. I met too many of these guys through Josh and Master Mitchell, and all their military buds.

So this guy still had not said one word. Dude, this is your fucking truck, not mine. You are already in for the diagnostics and shit (unless Mike has a really good day up front) so you better talk... ok I didn't say it but I was getting just a tick annoyed that I was the only one talking, and as FUBAR as I am, this is my fucking job. And NOT my job to talk to customers at all, I kind of went out of my way already.

Anyway, he finally worked himself up to say that this looks like it is going to cost a bundle to fix? And he said that sort of in a resigning way, like he was totally bummed out. I guess I knew why, of course it is costly, like $1,500 minimum (or 2k after Mike is done) and I felt he may have had like $20 in his pocket.

I just said dude you can't drive it like that.. you are lucky you made it here, it dripping as bad as it is. He just shook his head, and I just asked him whats the deal with you?

LOL he gave me this looooooooong look,like he was thinking if it was even worth the effort telling me, or just walk away from his truck. That happens, sometimes, we have two cars right now sitting, where the custies just walked away frustrated.

So whil ehe is thinking about that, I suddenly realized that I did not studder a single time talking to him!!! I mean not ONCE. Just because I was not even thinking, and was just so into the situation. LOL of course with that second, I knew the next thing I would open my mouth for, it was over with that.

So then he says dude, I can't do it. I just got back from Iraq, my 3rd tour, my girl kicked me out the day after I got back and she has a new guy, I am basically on the streets, and starting my truck after over a year, it starts pissing oil (by the way, this is a 2006 Chevy with just 43k miles on it).

What the fuck am I gonna do now? So here is a straight dude whose been obviously through a lot, in some fucked up country that doesn't even want our help, and who is very obviously fucked up. And then he comes back, his chick fucks a new dude, tells him to get lost, and then his truck of course doesn't work right (no wonder, if you let it sit for a year).

I wasn't really sure what to say. I mean that is just fucking WRONG. If you are with a soldier, you don't go fuck around, and that's true for str8 or gay, Forget about the don't ask don't tell, this is just not right (they still haven't repeeled that, have they?). I guess if anyone gets screwed being sent over there and risk their lives, just because they joined up to get an education and a chance in life, they deserve some respect, and some help when they come back. And mostly, if they got fucked up in the head doing it!

I couldn't think of anything to say so I asked him so what you with, Army, Airforce, or what? And he says army, nothing even cool like the Navy boys or Airforce. That made me sad.

So fuck. I know why I don't deal with customers, this is exactly why. Now I suddenly felt this was my problem somehow, not his. But with this dude, I wasn't mad, I guess it's just fate. So I told him to hang there, and went up to the office to go see Mike. LOL of course now my studderuing is back at the worst ever! I just meant to ask Mike if there was any chance if he would OK it to give the guy a break, being a fucked up vet and all but Mike did not even wait for 2 minutes for me to try to get that out. Most people get really impatient, and very fast. But at leas he got the drift, and very fast. He said the guy doesn't have the cash, right? So I nod. You want to help him out? I nod again. Mike looked at me in this "way" he got and then said "ok...." can he pay for the parts? LOL I was trying to say something but Mike said so if I wanted to sort that out with him, so I could just nod again - which I did. So then Mike looks at me and said SO WHAT?? Go talk to him and find out! And if you want to put in the labor, you know you are not going to get paid for the time, and it's not going into efficiency rating, right?

OK why am i feeling suddenly bad for trying to be a good guy?????? Anyway...

I don't even bother try to talk to the guy if he has the cash for the parts. Cos I forgot to say he was eying the water fridge we have (clear door), and when I told him dude get one if you want, it's free, and he gulped it down, but didn't dare get another one, so I went back myself and got him 2 more.

So I thought I call Josh... you have been reading my blog, and some of you sent me emails and stuff and think he is like the complete asshole or whatever, 'cos like he is with me. And I love him but many of you don't understand. But he is not like that at all.

So I called Josh, in the middle of the day, at work, and of course I can get hardly one word out. And like I've said, he can read my mind (ok maybe this one wasn't so difficult to figure out). He got the basics down fast and said don't worry, it will get sorted out. Tell the guy to chill and wait and start working. I KNOW WHY I LOVE JOSH. He knows what needs to be done, and he gets it done. I didn't even bother to go up front and talk to Mike, and since it was slow and I didn't have anything else to work on, I tried to tell the dude to chill and that it's gonna get worked out. Fat chance. He gives me this look but I guess he doesn't want to be judgmental about the studdering, so i finally scribbled on a pad "it's gonna be OK, go chill for a while". And get to work. Iknow when Josh is on it, I don't need to worry. Not if it's about serious shit, he would never ever leave me hanging there.

So, like 2 hours later, I got the tranny out, oil drained, engine propped up some to get the pan off, and about ready to need parts, and of all people JOE pulls up. LOL if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know who he is...... the big black guy who loves eating me for breakfast just because I am racist about black people, He tore into me a few times just for fun for that.

Anyway, so Joe pulls up, and I know there can only be one reason, and that is because of this guy and Josh. I wasn't worried though... Joe is AD, and I know all these military dudes stick together when it comes down to it.

Joe goes straight up to the office to Mike. LOL I have to say I was very curious what happened next :)

So after a couple of minutes, Mike and Joe come out to the shop to talk to me. Mike says are you ok to work on this for free, basically? This guy is going to pay for the parts. What can I say, so i get out a 'yeah' since Mike sees I got a lot of it apart already. And Mike gives me this look, like he is going to say "what is going on here that I don't know?" but shruggs his shoulders, and Joe talks to me the first time, like he has never seen me before in his life, and says if I think I can finish it by the end of the day? I am trying to say if I get the parts, then yeah (cutting it really close tho) but Mike picks up on that and says yeah the parts can be here in less than 20 minutes, so I can just nod.

So Joe says to Mike, OK lets do this and Mike walks backup front to get the parts and finish the papers. Joe stayed behind and and kind of headnutted me with his fist, and said "dude, I give you this one" (meaning something like he liked it). Then he went out to the guy, and after a few minutes they left together.

So I get cracking, cos to finish that, it is going to take a while... Mike came back al ittle bit later and had the gasket, the water pump, and the timing belt, and also some spark plugs, wires, and oil.... I knew this meant skippinglunch and maybe doing some over time. But hey, I was SURE this would get back to Josh somehow, and that cannot be bad :)

So i put in some effort, and got it all finished 10 mins to closing. Even adjusted the timing and fixed a few other small things. Joe and the guy didn't show up though, and 10 minutes after we closed, Josh calls, and says to hang out. SO just a minute later Mike came and said whats the deal with my friends (friends???) and I get out somehow they are coming. So Mike says it's all paid, if I want to stay and wait for them with the truck and key? So I do, and he closed up and everyone leaves.

TWO HOURS (!!!!) later Josh pulls up with the guy. When they get out of his car, the guy looks a little wobbly, and Josh just says to me to give him the keys. And then he introduces us, and says Kevin here fixed you up, and the other guy is Larry. That is the first time I even heard his name.

Larry is really done though... I guess it has been a while that anyone was nice to him, and he was obviously worked up a lot. He shook my hand but then he just kind of hugged me. That was a bit weird, I mean for a straight military dude, but sweet anyway. Josh said Kevin tell him you fixed him up right, but -fuck doh!!- I coudn't get a word out, so Josh said to Larry, don't worry, it's all fixed right.

And he said you will have dinner with us on Thursday, like that wasn't a question.

With that Larry takes off, and he seems really happy and awestuck. That did make me feel happy, too.. I mean i basically worked all day for nothing (free), but it still made me feel good, and MOST IMPORTANT, Josh liked it.

So yeah it was worth it. Josh took me to dinner (!!!!) and got me drunk (!!!!) and lol you know what happened later :-)

And that Thursday we did have dinner with that guy, and Joe was there, too. But he was all cool and chill, and I was at my very best behavior. he whole time I was expecting Joe to pull something with me, but he was all nice, really nice to that guy, got him to talk and shit, and it was chill.

By the way, just listening to this guy: you really (!) don't want to join the army and get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever. This is really fucked up, and when you get back, you get fucked even worse.

And you think, you fight for freedom and peace.
But is there peace in Iraq now? No.
Do we even have their oil? No. We have a huge oil spill here instead.
How many of our boys are dead for this? Over 5,000
How many of those coming back are fucked up? All of them.

So: Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for Virginity

I have been screwing LOTS since i was 12 (well, got screwed), and I only got further away from virginity.
Obviously.

I guess I don';t need to talk about screwing too much.... onyl that I get it a lot, it's a lot of fun, too, because it's my bf doing it :)

All the other stuff just comes with it. ike having to go to Master Mitchell's sometimes, JOsh fucking around a lot, hitting a lot more than it's fun, and all that.

Blood of the Earth - The Gulf Oil Spill part 2 CLEAN

2010-06-14T00:48:00.000-05:00

Blood of the Earth - The Gulf Oil Spill part 1

2010-06-14T00:47:00.000-05:00

"Family Values"

2010-05-24T22:28:00.006-05:00

[updated/changed.. I got a kick in the nuts for some of what I wrote so I had to change/delete a few things .. so far for 1st amentment. And everyone reading this anyway has to CLICK on the ADULT WARNING .. so what can they complain about???]

Don't you love all those people who make themselves look christian and upright for standing for "moral values" and "family values"?

Yahoo (amongst the individual fuckers of that class) has been known for that... they have all these "smut" groups, through which they earn revenue (LOL what's left of it) while randomly deleting some without warning.

Today someone at Yahoo decided to delete my Yahoo Mail and Messenger account. Just like facebook, they don't even bother to say why or that they do (did) it, they just let you find out when you try to log in.

Hm... and that is how they want to recapture the business they lost to Google in the last 10 years? This is not a company ethic I could, or would, subscribe to, use, or promote anymore.

And while I am on this... Josh said someone asked him about me in this frosty way like "there is some pornographic material" .. "linked to your name" with "men and men" and "a bag on the head" .. so who is "Kevin Fubar"? LOL!!! Nosy, nosy, but couldn't even find my real name that's on a bunch of my accounts on facebook etc) And the best thing: this came from [deleted] ... what's the saying on that, aren't they [deleted] all bottoms? :-) Just ask Ross and his cousin (who is in the Navy...). I hate bigotry. And all the fake "Don't Ask Don't Tell" stuff, anyway. History books will not talk kindly about this .. but by then we are all dead and who cares. But for today, make someone happy: fuck a [deleted]!! ;-)

more later.. I have to do some really pornographic stuff with my boyfriend and tell you about the super GAY sex orgy from last weekend some other time.... (only HOT GAY guys doing it in really pervert pornographic ways with each other!)

P.S.: for Hugh in Canada (Hawk) - you have to e-mail me on Gmail ("kevinrfubar@gmail.com") please, and I'll set up a different chat client...

P.P.S.: you probably figure I had to write it like this because the same dudes who showed themself to be so outraged about my blog are reading it anyway with their dicks out and jerking. That's why I hate this biggot lying so much. Oh or even watching my jerk video while they do it and say something really mean and gaybashing or so about me

Yugo

2010-05-10T21:37:00.004-05:00

Doesn't look so different from todays subcompacts ...

Got to work on one in ths shop 2 weeks ago and saw this today:

Sausage Fest (Russia)

2010-05-09T12:40:00.001-05:00

Josh says this is called "sausage fest" und its really a lot better like they allow to show on YouTube LOL. He says after a couple rounds it's not so much about getting the "sausages" of the guys in the other team but their nuts and later when some of the guys are out of the game cos their hurting too much, and everybody gets drowned in vodka, the worst losers and the newbies get stripped.

Sounds fun to me :-)

Something is wrong with YouTube embeds these days... you may have to double click on it and watch it on youtube directly

Two Choices - The Story about Shay

2010-05-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

(I got this from my friend Hugh up in Canadia. It made me cry so I figure I put it up on my blog:)

What would you do?....you make the choice.

Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway.

The question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Move on to some of my other posts that may make you jerk off or fuck up your boy friend.

2. Forward this to some people you know.

May your day be a Shay Day!

Tired, Beaten, and Happy!

2010-05-07T22:15:00.003-05:00

Tonight we met up with Stukka for dinner. I just about made it after work, cos I had to shower and stuff. He is the guy who started the Kramtoad group on facebook. And who calls ballbusting "kramtoading"...

Josh has a HUGE boner for him and Stukka's bf Cooper is in London right now (England) but he didn't try to take Stukka home to fuck him even though I think Stukka was game, kinda.

Josh said for that I "would get it" when we got home. For not taking Stukka home. He knew I was watching what he'd do about Stukka.

That made me happy.. he picked me over Stukka.

What does he think, I suddenly get scared from him threatening me to beat me up? I got a BONER! Not like I'd get it anyways, all it takes is him feeling like it.

Of course I did get it :-) ... but hey its 10pm and I am already sitting at the PC again so it wasnt so bad and I got to shoot a big load for him (not as big as his..he got off gooooood!).

This time he really hit me, before he even started on my nutz.

I am so happy Josh rather did it with me than Stukka. I now Josh (my Josh) has a BONER for Stukka (the other Josh), and Stukka is probably easier game now since his bf is gone to UK since he (Cooper) doesn't really bust so hard (not so much his thing)... so while he's gone... :) I think Stukka was game tonight.

So yeah... I am happy!

My Doc says it's OK to eat Bavaria

2010-05-05T21:37:00.001-05:00

LOL so Stukka is trying to get us dragged out to eat at this Bavaria Grill up in Plano, just cos he got SLUSHED there on some German beer. I checked today with my doc it it's even safe for me to eat this stuff from there web site (at http://www.BavariaGrill.com ) and she laughed and said I don't to worry just don't get like TOOOO drunk

She's cool.

wet n slimey and with a boner :)

2010-05-04T02:04:00.000-05:00

Wet in the shower - SEXY LEGS

2010-05-04T02:01:00.000-05:00

Boy Punchers

2010-05-04T01:09:00.000-05:00

Teen boy gets wet in Skinny Jeans

2010-05-04T01:03:00.000-05:00

Getting Wet in Clothes

2010-05-04T01:02:00.000-05:00

LOUISIANA Oil rig EXPLOSION, Gulf of Mexico, offshore drilling platform,...

2010-05-04T00:57:00.001-05:00

Gulf Coast Oil Spill In-situ burn

2010-05-04T00:54:00.002-05:00

Guy Jerking off at the gym

2010-05-04T00:41:00.005-05:00

I totally forgot about this!

This cute guy on facebook wrote to me about gyms I go to and that reminded me:

I have a (cheap) membership for [NAME OF FITNESS CHAIN] and I can go to most of the clubs. Near work and near where my place is (even tho I'm like almost never there) and the one close to my bf's house. I work out a lot so that helps.

The Addison location on Belt Line is kind of cruisy .. mostly older guys and they stare and most touch themselves but never really say anything or make a move (not that I want them too, I don't cheat on my bf!!).

Its kind of weird though .. there is a 40-something year old 2 weeks ago with a belly and he followed me around in the club working out, and then to the lockers and totally stares and doesn't even try to hide it. Then he goes in the shower just opposite of mine and jerks off and looks at me like I am supposed to do something (and what he is showing off is also kind of small, when hard). Hard to ignore though. Don't know if the guy thought that was hot or something? ... for him or for me?

Maybe he thinks it's "WILD" to jerk off in front of a guy at the gym. LOL.. I can hardly tell him what my bf does with me, can I? And what would that be good for, it would kill all his jerking fantasies.

I wish guys wouldn't do that, though, it is kind of gross.

(I figured it's probably not a good idea to say what fitness chain it is ... because of stalkers and also so I don't get in trouble .. or to get me to talk about really pervy older guys and stuff when I was a teen at the YMCA).

Oil Rig Burning

2010-05-03T22:41:00.001-05:00

This looks almost apocalyptic

... and I have to use a bag of Oil-Dry when I spill just a little oil at work in the shop, and get yelled at (a little)

A Little Time Saver Patch

2010-05-03T22:27:00.001-05:00

OK here is another one for fun :)

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV it saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

Walmart Wine

2010-05-03T22:17:00.002-05:00

OK this was too funny not to post it on my blog - I laughed so hard, cos it's true!!
(Got it from my friend Hugh up in Canada)

Walmart has recently announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Walmart's very own brand of an unparalled wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be so inclined to put a bottle of the Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.

"But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of the Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or dark meat (Squirrel.)

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax or check it on Snopes. I know possum is not a white meat.

1,001 Friends on facebook

2010-05-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

WOW ... I have 1,001 friends on facebook as of today (now).

And that is AFTER I got deleted before..

I am for sure not linking this blog to facebook again, I think that is what got me killed then, even if they never said why.

"Boner Bridge"

2010-05-01T15:27:00.001-05:00

isn't that cool?

it's not a "bridge" but an underwater connection in Sweden. You all know how much I like water and wet :)

.. i'd probably have a boner going on that road

.

Work Out Results!!

2010-05-01T13:57:00.002-05:00

This morning I asked Josh if I could put this new picture up and he says "yeah ok"

so now you can see :)

I have been working out so hard to stay hot for him. The meds make me lose so much weight and I have been trying to eat and put more muscles on. I am still way too skinny but at least he likes it this way

I still have these skinny legs :( ... wish I could so something about that.

Master Mitchell says they are good, straight rails and guides upwards when he kicks me in the balls .. like he ever misses anyways.

Grocery shopping geek

2010-05-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

I was getting Cokes and stuff and watched this guy at the other isle.

I always go to the automated cashier... cos of my studder, so i don't have to talk to anybody.

And I don't want anybody to get cute with me, cos when Josh sees that he just gives me a headbutt (or worse).

Anyway this guy waved the cashier girl over and showed her his phone (one of those smart things that cost a lot) and she scanned something directly off the screen. It took a while cos the scanner wouldn't take it at first .. long enough to get my (simple) cell out and take the picture...

funny, I thought, someone pays like $500 or more for a phone like that and $80 a month or so for the contract (3 years??) to save 50 cents on something and he has to spend 2 to 3 minutes to get the bargain (I just stuff the paper in the slot after scanning and it takes 10 seconds) ....

The Buell Ulysses

2010-05-01T13:28:00.001-05:00

"Busted & Broken" .... I like that :-)

Update (again) ... haven't written (again) in so long

2010-03-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

OMG!! I haven't written A THING this year yet. Sorry I don't know why this happens..

I just got a mail from a guy and he said reading my blog really helped him a lot. That's good. I don't know what it helped him with though. His name on Recon was soemthing with "sub" so I guess it's helping him to accept that side of him that likes to serve or get hurt or both.Hey if it helps him thats what counts.

So I have been to Louisiana lots to visit with my twin bro in Angola. By now I know the area around the West Feliciana Parish pretty good! What I don't get is why people say Angola is so bad. I've been in several pens myself before and where they had Clayton before was a lot worse too. The people at Angola are really OK (its still the pen but compared..). He is with someone now and he seems a lot more relaxed. I guess he has kind of accepted who is is now and is finally starting to accept it. Too bad he had to almost kill someone for it. He is asking me a lot of questions about it, too. That is good. I guess you can't have a gay and a straight twin .. one has got to be lying to himself. I just wish he wasn't doing time and we could spend time together, like outside. At least this way I know where he is and he can't be going nowhere.

Josh thinks its good I go see him a lot. With Josh I never know what he is thinking so I am happy he likes this.

Work is really going good! I still have the top efficiency spot and I did get all the bonus in a row and the extra premium. Most of it I used for gas and motels going to Louisiana and for presents.

Tomorrow is flecktarn again. Its either I just sit around and get ignored OR Josh totally lets me hang there to dry. Last week I got so beat up and then I had to go to Mitchell's on Friday and he kicked in my balls really bad this time. I don't know what I did to Master Mitchell that he is always so mad at me. I always served him good before Josh and never did nothing wrong with him.

I am tired so I quit for now. At least I wrote something!!

Clayton is going to be transferred to Angola

2009-12-05T16:35:00.001-06:00

so now its out.. my twin brother Clayton is being transferred to Angola (Louisiana). As those that have been reading my blog know, he is serving 25-to-life for a gay bashing.

At least he is going to be a little closer, so I can go see him. My visitor pass for where he is now was cancelled, and I hope I get a new one for Angola. I don't even know why... because I'm poz or because we look identical? Looking at him is like looking a mirror, except he has really short cropped hair.

I hear Angola isn't a nice place though, pretty rough. But where he is now isn't good either. He got beat up a couple times and stabbed really bad. Louisiana State Pen isn't fun.

Thats jail, i know what he's going through. I was only in Texas jails though.

Efficiency Rating at Work

2009-12-05T16:21:00.001-06:00

(catching up a little on my blog. Saturday afternoon, Josh is busy - probably with Cooper - and I am bored)

Work.... after Noah left to go to Oregon, and the new guy is here now for him, lots of things are changing. The new guy and the manager get along really good and the dude really OK.

Now we have a "Efficiency System" that counts what each guy gets done and how many comebacks he gets. I'm doing good with it and if it stays this way, I get a nice bonus for the quarter!! I am just doing my stuff and I get a lot done. The new guy likes me, he says I'm a good worker. I think the manager tipped him that I'm gay and poz, because the new guy brought it up but just to say he couldn't give a flying fuck who I'm boning. He was wanting to say he's cool with that, but then it must have made him think that maybe I was the one being boned and I could see it in his face and he got like totally red in the face! But it was just funny, he tried to be like totally nice and cool with it and it just backfired on him in a funny way. He's cool.

Labels and Legs

2009-12-03T01:25:00.009-06:00

Went through all my posts and added labels. Hmm wow, I skipped a bunch of stuff over all this time that I've been telling my friends in chat but never wrote up in the blog. And I saw sooo many spelling errors (fixed those I saw).

With the labels it should be easier to find stuff. Funny, though, there is only one mention of Josh's legs.. he looks SO hot. In all this time I only put up one of them. Here are some more of HIS legs. That is a huge fetish for me ... except his dick of course :-)

the hottest is this in his Adidas training pants and sneaks:

These feet, knees, and legs kicked me sooo much!!!

120% APR Finance Charge

2009-12-02T10:35:00.004-06:00

Just saw that on my online bank statement (have doctor's visit today and need to pick up meds later.. was checking if I have enough cash for the co-pay). Above my balance appeared a new thing, where it said I can get up to $500 as a "Request for Direct Deposit Advance". So basically, just by clicking and entering any number in $20 increments, I can just get up to $500 and don't even have to beg a teller. That is pretty cool!

BUT....

right under that, it says:

For every $20 that you advance, your Finance Charge will be $2, which equates to an Annual Percentage Rate (APR) of 120%

Whoa! is that even legal?

World AIDS Day

2009-12-02T00:24:00.022-06:00

(for my 1st time with my bf Josh you have to scroll down a little)

I have a bunch of other updates to my blog.. but of course I have to say something about world AIDS day since that is today (Dec 1st).

For me of course that is weird. You all know I am HIV+ and my T-Cells dip down on and off under the level where I "officially" have AIDS and am not 'just' POZ. Right now it's back up. So far, I haven't had much problems, other than the side effects of my meds (throwing up or feel queasy) and 'the runs' sometimes.

For the longest time, I thought "(RED)" is some marketing gag by Starbucks where my bf Josh drags me all the time. I hate to go places I don't know, because I studder so bad, and I am always afraid people start talking to me, or he puts me on the spot. But he likes Starbucks coffee, even though he keeps complaining about it when they run out of drip or have no straws etc. (he always puts a straw in his venti drip).

I guess I should have known (RED) is to support the fight against AIDS but how could I know? I stayed away from anything with the logo, because I didn't want to fill the coffers of the likes of Starbucks etc. Till I found out its actually in some way or another for me, too. An AIDS fight support thing. But mostly, to help some niggers in Africa. OK so, I purposely said "nigger". That is what Josh gets me for, all the time. I know the people in Africa are not 'niggers' amd those that have and get AIDS are off way worse than me. I know I struggle with the Health Care (and my work has a plan!! - even without the Obama stuff). I struggle with the co-pay a lot ($$$) but their is no way I could afford the meds by myself.

Now the people in Africa know even less. They don't know what AIDS is, how they get it, they don't know about condoms. etc. For sure they can't get medicine, they can't afford it if they knew there is meds, and most still think it's a curse. That is really sad.

I guess I should feel guilty that I am poz, Just for fucking around high on drugs and getting it somehow. OK I hear the people in Africa also get it from fucking around and cheating, and it's mostly straight folks, but its not like me partying.

I could blame Ryan I guess, the guy I was with at the time who really got me on drugs, was whoring me out like crazy, and got me into so many gang bangs. But whats the point. He's been in jail for a long time, got out early, managed to screw up again in a couple months, and now he is back in for good. Probably till he dies. I know what it's like inside, so I am not going to be mad at him. He is gonna get screwed so bad like hes been already. I guess once youre fucked up in the head it stays. I am not much different really.

But I am staying on the straight edge, only cos of Josh. I love him and (or: BUT) I am so scared of him what he is doing if I go off on the deep end again (i.e get high). Either he dumps me so fast (and I couldn't live without him) or he fucks me up so bad for it, that I am not even THINKING of doing something dumb. The time Ryan was out (and right after my ass) was the worst. It's so hard to say "NO" to Ryan. At least it is for me. I was with him for so long and he knows me inside and out. From when I was 17 till when he got arrested and sentenced (and when I found out I was pos) at 23. I would still say the time with him was a ride through hell ........ and so exciting!

But I wouldn't want to go through it again. I know better now. Back then, out of foster care and then jail, I was so happy to be with Ryan, and it felt all great. I was getting high and do it with older guys, and with pain, since I was 15. So it wasn't like 'weird'.

Of course I know and remember how hot it was to get high and do gang bangs, S/M to the extreme kink, and all that other stuff. WOW. But once I found out I was pos because of it, I really sobered up and quit drugs and shortly after that got with Josh. And he has like a "zero tolerance" thing going with drugs. Once and I am out. And he means it!!!

My doc is really good - and yet, he used to be one of the guys who would be in on a LOT of those parties Ryan set up for gang bangs where everyone was high as a kite and then some. NOW he lays the doctor thing one me, and tells me stay away from drugs, to always use a condom, blah blah blah. That is so (!) hypocritical. I wonder if he still has a stash of Tina, GHB, and cola (like he used to!! plus the prescription drugs he could get so easy being a doc) and wants to fuck young boys bare like he used to. But he's been so often up my ass back then, but he seems to have forgotten that. At least I know who I'm dealing with, and not some stranger whose got "issues" with POZ gays. And now I am 10 years past his age range at 28, so he is chill with me :-)

I don't know what the future holds for me. I take it one day at a time. I guess I am lucky compared to the people in Africa or in other countries where they don't have good meds and docs (is Africa a country or what?).

I have a boyfriend I love with everything I have, I am extremely lucky to have a boyfriend who fucks like GOD and who treats me like I need it. He may look like an ass hole sometimes but he really isn't. Deep down he's a nice guy he just has a hard time showing it, and he just is totally horny all the time and needs to stick his dick somewhere to get off, that's just his nature. And of course all the other guys who find out that he fucks like God want him too, so I shouldn't be and can't be jelous of them or mad at them.

Really, I think it was fate when he took me home for a 1-night-stand. Thats like way over 3 years ago now. I knew it was going to be special, I had a gut feeling from the moment I saw him at The Eagle. Long before he talked to me and took me home. I don't think he knew till the next morning. When we got to his place that night and he started to just beat the living crap out of me (and not like do the usual: get high, drop the pants, fuck me, and kick me out), I got scared but I knew either this is a crazy serial killer or something, or something really good. I rarely got beat like that since one of my foster dads, but I never got fucked THAT good (and like he's been saying since, half of Dallas has been up my ass). I think he liked it that I shot a fat load several feet off. He still beat me some more, anyway. And he really wailed on my balls that night.

The one thing that made the difference between a one-night stand and what we have now is ONE (1) word the morning after.

ONE word can make ALL the difference in life!

When he woke me up (rudely ... like he was pissed that I was still there) and asked if I wanted another round of the same (he just said "want it again?") - I KNEW that he expected me to say "no fucking way let me out of here" or something along that line, and that this was what most guys said to him if they really stayed that long. LOL I said "yes" and after a second, "please", and I saw it in his eyes that I so fucking S-C-O-R-E-D by saying just "yes". He did really let me have it, a LOT worse than the night before. I was still super sore, my balls were hurting, but I KNEW that was the love of my life an there was NO WAY I would buckle.

"Love of my life" sounds cheesy and that's not what I would have called it then. But if you were a foster kid and your mom put you in the trash and kept your twin brother instead, and you go through hell like me, you know when you know that you found what you crave. I knew deep down this was the guy I was wanting to be with and who I wanted to dig me. He could not have done anything that would have swayed me. I just locked on and I wouldn't let go. And haven't since.

He really put me on a test and really hurt me and then fucked me while he was still trying to break my balls. At 11 am in the morning ...LOL. Even though I felt sick and was so close to throwing up, I didn't let it ruin things, and he got off soooooo good, .... - and I splattered a HUGE load again, too, right against the wall. It really actually SPLATTERED and he was impressed that I could or would cum that good even though he hit me and my balls so much and I was crying hard when he came inside me.

But he is the horniest guy I have EVER (!) met and even he was impressed with that, and that I didn't buckle when he asked me "again?". That one thing made all the difference. He didn't admit it of course, but since, I "got to stick around" - as he calls it (I can say now, he is my boyfriend without smacking me for it - even though he won't *say* it, "boyfriend"). The way he gets off with me, it's GOT to be good for him (and I don't think any of the other really cute guys he keeps fucking do the same for him). But for sure it's good for me when he fucks me like God and I get off for him and from him with one of the 8-foot-splatterers only he can make me do ... that keeps me alive. I gladly put up with all the other stuff he puts me through - just for the feeling of me getting him off by far the best and what it's like for me.

So, overall, for World AIDS DAY, I can't complain.

Except for maybe I am POS and not clean (and can't turn it back). I'll die from AIDS one day.

An my boyfriend won't let me move in with him, so I can sleep with him every night and be around him all the time. Maybe one day he will let me move in with him. I am in his bed 5 nights a week, and he can't get enough of me. And yet, he wants the option to kick me out and make me miserable waiting to come back.

.

Thanksgiving Flecktarn Night

2009-12-01T23:38:00.005-06:00

Wednesday evening just before Thanksgiving was Flecktarn night like every Wednesday. I was 20 mins late. We had so much to do. Like everyone was leaving town and had to get their truck fixed the last minute. I had like 3 people breathing down my neck to finish stuff up, even after we were already closed. Then I changed in my flecktarn uniform in my truck - no time to go home first. Thats why I had everything in the bag anyway, this isn't the first time. But there was also a lot of traffic so I was 20 minutes late. But there were only a few guys, and my boyfriend Josh wasn't there yet either. Nobody was tied to any of the 2 poles yet.

Just saw with the other 4 guys at the bar and had a beer at the end of the bar on the last stool. They left me alone and after about 10 min or so Josh came and sat with me, and then Master Mitchell and his Russian boy came a little later, and then 2 more guys but that was it. Small crowd, I guess because of the holidays. Nobody made a move to get anyone tied up. From everyone there, I was the only one that was in question anyway and the only one in flecktarn. but I also didn't want to just go and stand at the pole and wait till anyone ties me up and punches me. I figured I just wait and see. I just kept a low profile and sucked on my beer. Everyone else was talking, and so I just watched and listened.

Master Mitchell and his boy kept doing Vodka shots with some of the guys and they got more rowdy. Josh had gone over and sat with them. I was just sitting by myself in the corner. An hour or so into that, and a lot of vodka shots, Mitchell and Josh called me over and said if I wanted to get tied up and get my beating for the night. But then someone said they would have to get up for that so they had me come over to them to get it. So I went and stood in front of Master Mitchell but he wasn't suddenly in a good mood anymore and said I knew better than that. I didn't come close enough and I did not stand up straight and did not put my hands behind my back, and my boots 2 feet apart. I fixed that, and Josh pushed me forward towards him. Then Mitchell got up from his stool and grinned again, and then he punched me hard in the guts, right below the navel. Mitchell does martial arts do he can deliver punches. Of course I bent over, but I left my hands in my neck (I know better than be tempted to take them away). He grabbed my head and pushed it down a little more and said if I was ready to suck his dick and everyone was laughing. But then he raised up his knee and kicked me in the chest, that straightened me back up, but I stumbled backwards into the other guys who were sitting at the bar. They caught me and pushed me back a little so I could get my balance and stand. Then Mitchell grabbed me by the shirt (still had my hands up behind my neck, I did not let the arms go down) and pulled me a couple steps intp the room and turned me around and stepped back a bit. Then he kicked me full force in the balls, tip of his boots dead on. I tried my best to keep standing, but it was just too much. No wonder, when I have to go to his place once a month, he always ties me up so I can't go down. The pain was just too much, I went down on my knees and tried to breathe. They laughed and then ignored me and went back to their vodka shots. I took my hands down and held my balls and felt the pain shoot up from my balls. I was on my knees bent over holding my balls and trying to tough it out.

A couple minutes later Joe got up to take a piss. He is that big black guy who has it still out for me. Even though its been settled between us, since I don't call him nigger to his face anymore and he got to beat me up and fuck me in front of Josh. But he is always on my case anyways. So he got up and walks around the bar for the reatrooms and stops right where I am still on the floor on his way and kicks me in the side and says I am in the way. There are 6 feet in front and behind me, so I really wasn't in the way. And he kicks me again and says get up! and out of the way! SO I work myself up but I am not standing yet when he kicks me hard in the ass, so I fly forward towards the back and fall down again.

But he is right behind me and kicks me in the back and says why I am in the way and to get up. WHen I am on my arms and knees to get up, he kicks me again, really hard this time, in the gut. Fuck that really hurt, and I feel I'm wretching some. But Joe just grabs the neck of my flecktarn shirt and pulls me up with just one arm. He is a big guy, and my 150 pounds are not like a huge weight for him. Then he keeps pushing me, still holding me by my shirt collar on his arm, stretched out straight in front of him, and I am stumbling towards the back and restroom in front of him. From the bar there is laughing and someone yells to "bring him back and don't fuck him up in there" and more loud laughing.

Joe just runs me hard into the wall and then pulls me back by my collar and slams me into the wall again. Theh he lets go and turns me around and pushed my back against the wall and puts his left hand on my shoulder, so I stay there. Then he has this grin on his face looking down to me that I know all to well and asks where I want it. I know better than to say anything. He has at least 50 pounds of muscle on me and a foot taller. From all the other flecktarn nights I know when not to have a smart mouth, and I am not tempted to call him a nigger anymore anyway. It's just not worth it. Doesn't mean he still hates me and I get my share every Wednesday evening from him when he is there; a little more or less.

He says it doesnt look like anyone gets tied up to one of the poles tonight, but I surely want some right? I didn't plan to say anything, but he is waiting for me to say something. I was about to say something like "do it or leave me alone" .. but sometimes it helps that I studder so badly, since I didn't get more out then "d - d- d- d-" and he got impatient already and said that I was "such a shit" and started punching me hard. Joe's punches are like a steel hammer, his arms are as big around as my legs. His left hand is like a claw on my shoulder that keeps me fixed to the wall and from bending over or going down and it seems like its like no effort to him to hold me like that. That guy has so much power. Really sucks that hes a black. He punches me like 7 or 8 times and with the second or so while I try to keep my ab muscles flexed, It seems he is punching them right through against my spine and hurting my spine by squeezing it between my abs and the wall with every one of his punches.

The last one is going up and right into my solar plexus. That instantly killed my air and my legs went like rubber. Before I can drop down, though, he catches me and pushes me hard back up against the wall, and is like leaning against me, while I am desperately trying to get air in my lungs. After a couple of seconds heaving and gasping for air, and feeling my stomach cramping, he says into my ear "so, white boy you know whats next, right?" god I hate tis mo-fo but I can't say anything that would make it only worse. I can't say anything, anyway, cause I am still trying to get air, it feels my lungs are cramped and crumpled up from that punch upwards in my solarplexus. I feel Joe forcing his knee between my legs to open them up, and I don't resist it (whats the point). I know I am trembling and I feel it but I am still without air.

Then Joe rams his knee up the first time, dead in my balls. Oh my god! He is leaning against me with all his weight, and it pushed me up a little. It hurts so much that I suck in air being pushed up, but I can't scream, on breathing out, it's more like a whine I am making and I feel tears on my face. This fucking big nigger is doing whatever he wants with me and he is so much bigger. And I am almost hugging the guy, I have no way else with my arms since he is so close against me. The pain from my balls is going up and down in waves in me, my legs are total rubber, I am just hanging at the wall from the pressure of his big body leaning against me. He is working his knee again to get my legs open wide enough again, and I can't help I am choking up, because its all so helpless for me. And then he knees me a second time. I bet he makes every effort to knee me as hard as what hes got with his big legs. BANG! This time I scream out and then the pain really kicks in and I am sobbing hanging with my chin on his shoulder, and hyperventilating at the same time. I can feel him laughing at me and he is grabbing my ass with both his hands and like kneading it. The he puts his left arm around me and my neck, so my chin stays on his shoulder, and pulls back, so I am literally hanging on him, feet and boots off the floor, and still kind of hugging him, now more so he won't break my neck by which I am hanging on him, not because I don't know where to put my arms. And he says to me, like whispering in my ear, "so, white boy" (he always calls me that when there is nobody in ear shot, just because I used to call him nigger), "one more and you don't walk today.. your boyfriend won't like have" (yeah and he doesn't want to piss of Josh) "and he's gonna fuck you up later". And: "hmmm I would let you suck me off, but from you I'll prolly catch something." I am wondering if his dick is hard now, but I can't feel it one way or the other the way I am hanging from him (he is HUGE, one of the fattest I have seen - and felt as you know -). And then he says this time i get off easy and just lets me drop and I fall down hard.

With that he goes inside the restroom and takes a long piss and whistles!! I am curled up on the floor with the broken little tiles, and can't help the tears. I am retching, I am trying not to throw up.

Then he comes out again and kicks me and says get up, I have to bring you out with me, can't be having Josh get all pissy. You have to think of it like how the niggers talk, like ebonics. I can't write it like that. Just sucks. I can't get up yet so he grabs my left wrist off my balls and twsist my arm and make sme get up. I am stumbling in front of him again, with like rubber legs, but he makes my arm hurt so bad, I have to stay up. Back outisde in front of the bar he lets go and i fall down, on my knees, right in front of Master Mitchell.

And Mitchell says "hello hello hello we were waiting for you.. did you have fun in there?" And everyone is laughing hard. They must have done 10 shots while we were back there. And he tells me to get up and says I can't just have fun. I am trying to but I have a hard time to get on my legs, so he tells the others to help me. So two of them get up, Mitchells Russian boy and one other ans get me on my feet and the fucking Russian gets behind me and holds me up, his arms under mine and then crossed in my neck.. so Mitchell has me all presented to him. Russian Boy behind me kicks my legs open and he keeps saying shit in russian in my ear. No clue what it means but I don't think it needs translation. Anyway, I get two hard kicks from Mitchell and with the second Russian Boy lets me go and I am just crumpled up on the floor holding my balls, crying, and trying not to throw up.

After that, they ignore me and keep drinking. I just stay there, even after the pain gets better. If I got up, they just get me again. After a while Josh gets up to take a piss, and he grabs me and makes me sit on a bench on the side and says "don't get drunk I need you to drive. And get a fucking grip on yourself." Yeah yeah thats Josh allright. No wonder, the way they have been doing shots, nobody of them can drive. Russian boy doesn't seem drunk at ALL, all the others definitely are way past it. The guy behind the bar isn't arguing he just put the bottles on the bar and ice. I am glad I can just sit on the side and watch, and nobody pays any attention on me. When Josh comes back from his piss, he sits next to me for a second and looks at me. Then he says "quit the crying you look ridicelous" and gets up and back with the others.

It's not too long after that, that they are tired and want to go home. LOL, Mitchell almost fell off his stool, he is THAT drunk!!! I've always heard never drink vodka with a Russian, but what do i know. I know the twisted fucker (both the Russian and Mitchell, which ever you thought I meant). The Russian guy looks like he's been having only water.

Josh comes over and says gimme your keys, so i do and he hands them to the bar guy and says to him to watch the truck or else. You can't leave a car there overnight or its gone or broken in. The bar dude roll shis eyes cos that means he has to watch it to put is somewhere safe but we are too good business plus hes too fucking scared to say anything. So then I have to get up and drive Josh in his truck. Good thing is, I get to go home with him :-)

Not that I feel much like driving, but no choice and I only had 5 or 6 beers earlier. And of course I don't want Josh to drive cos he is defo way past it. Outside i catch a backhand from Mitchell, and he tells me to be a good boy.

Fromt here we go to Josh's place. For a moment I was afraid he'd make me go to The Eagle first or some place but I guess he's had enough. At his place he just smacks me a little and racks me once and then we sleep. A couple hours later at 3 or 4, the usual happens, Josh is sobered up enough, horny and waking up, so he wakes me up and I get my share again. At least it's Thanksgiving and I don't have to get out the house at 7am like normally. Of course he punches my sore nuts but then he fucks me good and I cum a goooood load. Not the 8-footer but good.

Happy Thanksgiving!

.....

FACEBOOK sucks - they deleted me

2009-11-29T15:57:00.007-06:00

Last week I wanted to check on my facebook stuff, but I just got a message "YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN DISABLED". No explanation why. No e-mail, either, and they send 1 email for every little stupid friend add and 'like' till you turn that off. But for the important things: nothing!

I never even logged in much, was more to see what my bf was doing on fb. I did have my blog linked to the notes there, maybe they choked on that. I don't know and I don't care much. If it makes them feel better to yank peoples stuff.

What is bad about it though, is that some people put a lot of work into it and maybe even money. This kid from the UK that my bf is so ga-ga over ("Radgie") has the same thing happen to him. But he really put a lot of work into it, with like 2,000 friends and his own fan page with also a lot of people on there. To just delete it is really mean. I think. I think he even paid them for advertising and all that.

I am defo not going back on facebook. How many profiles can I keep up anyways.. I am on recon and youtube is also kind of tacky what they allow and whatnot. I have trouble enough to post to my own blog regularly :-)

[thanks to c00p3r for the help with the fuck facebook logo!! - thanks coopi!]

Blog Design Update

2009-11-29T11:55:00.009-06:00

quiet day today (it's raining) so I am going to catch up some with the blog.. finally!!

Updated a lot of stuff, changed the title pic (thanks for the help Cooper!) and edited a lot on the sidebar, the elevator summary, and also fonts, colors, the check boxes and all.

next are blog posts ... so if you subscribe you'll get them instantly!!

Thursday again and the Fort Hood Massacre

2009-11-05T19:40:00.003-06:00

of course the big news today is the Fort Hood massacre. Crazy. When I heard it on the radio this afternoon of course I was shocked at first but then I thought of course Josh isn't on base right now but at the airfield in Fort Worth. Anyway there are 30,000 to 40,000 people in Fort Hood at any time so it wouldn't have been likely that he could have been any of the 11 killed or 31 wounded.

But you always think the worst. He was followign it close too I know and I called him on my break. Really sucks. But nobody he knows got hurt today. Thats good for us but of course it totally sucks for the families of those that got killed or wounded.

Otherwise my day was busy. WE AR TOTALLY SWAMPED. No idea whats going on.. maybe its the new guy that got Noah's job. I dunno but that is the only thing that changed lately, and the people even make lines now waiting for services and we have to park cars in the street! That must have been 2 or more years that we had to do that last. I flushed 3 radiaters today and did5 or 6 engine oil service and 3 transmissions, and thats not even all. Even had to cut my lunch short.. that was good though, first the manager came and gave me $20 cash if I went back to work right after eating (and no nappy) and then the custonmer tipped me another $10 cos he was waiting and he saw that I got back early on his car from lunch .. not bad!!!

Comes in real handy. Even though I don't have to pay for Noah's health insurance anymore so we don't lose the plan and I dont lose my insurance, I have to pay rent now that I have my own place again. If Josh would let me move in I'd be rich but hey he just wont have that ... the co-pay for my meds is still whats killing me

Last night was flecktarn, so I was a little queezy all day till afternoon sometimes. Good queezy though. At first they didn't take me, but the guy who got tied to "my" post didn't last all the way so when he crapped out they got me anyways, later. Was good last night.. I got gutpunched HARD for 30 minutes and that was it. At the end. Joe the big black guy gave me one hard knee in the balls.. I swear he always is out to break mine. But that was it and the guys were talking for a bit and I got to ride with Josh to his place :-) I figured he was fucking horny after all of this and I know him too good. I got my real beating for the night from him and he royally fucked my brains out.... nothing is as good as its with him!!! He didnt even kick me out after so I could sleep next to him. Of course like almost always he woke me at 3 or 4 for another fuck but I'm used that he wont let me sleep through. SO I had a hard time to keep my eyes open at first this morning and almost rear-ended a truck. But then it was so busy at work I forgot all that.

I guess thats all for today. I'm heading over, he said he would be later today cos of all the stuff going on down in Fort Hood tonight

Sunny Morning

2009-11-04T07:23:00.003-06:00

Hi Everyone.

Just a quick one cos I have to go to work and it's almost 7:30. Sunny day today, which is nice. Last days it was always kind of overcast or rainy.

Tonight is flecktarn again, so I won't be on. Now just quickly checking the facebook and I'm off to work. We are like super busy in the shop.

by the way my fb is: facebook.com/kevinfubar

have a great day!

back from Post Office

2009-10-25T16:55:00.004-05:00

in a way its kind of weird you can go on Sunday afternoon and you can go mail a letter. There was this middle-ages pms-ing lady who almost kicked the machines cos she couldn't hack it... I was going to offer her help but she was so messed up that I thought I better stay away. I dunno what she did but for me it worked just fine.

The I was thinking I should have got a money order to send with it but for that the clerk needs to be their. At prison they dont take money orders from 7-11 only official from post office for inmates. Next time then. I thought I better send it off and not sit it out cos then its another 2 weeks. Hugh was right about that. He gave me the idea anyway to write (Thanks!!). why didn't I think of that. I know he can't call cell phones, only landlines and collect. With Noah in the office he could call my work, but with the new guy now it's not going to work. Maybe set something for home. Had to get a phone line for the DSL. That is such a rip-off. $50 for a line I don't even use and I bet for collect calls from jail they charge like $10/minute.

So now I've cleaned up, unpacked everything, wrote the letter, mailed it, and I am horny ... maybe go see if Josh lets me in and I can get laid before the weekend is over.

HALLOWEEN

2009-10-25T15:55:00.005-05:00

time just flies ... been off a while. Noah quit because he got a much better job in Oregon. He really though I would go with him... so he got all mad and kicked me out. Been staying with Ryan at this chicks' house. He got out early after only 6 years and you'd think he'd stay clean but now he stabbed a dude and is back in, and this time forever.

Here's the video Noah did of me. YouTbe won't let me share it without a lot of hassle, and my blog is marked adult and people have to click on something so should be ok. Come on, everybody does it.... hope you like.

Noah said its so obvious i got lasered in it. LOL and i don't even cum.. I couldn't anyway just from normal jerking and nuts not being hit or whatever. He thought its fun anyway and wanted to watch and record it. Whatever.

Wrote a letter to my twin brother, to jail. Hope he gets it. Wasn't easy cos I know he is so down and people read it first before he gets it. They cancelled my visitor pass. Said I am a risk but they won't say why or what risk it is.

Now its already Halloween time again

Another Month Gone, Face Book, and Flecktarn

2009-06-29T09:03:00.004-05:00

I got my Facebook to work and am getting pretty good at it. Fun to make some new friends.

Time just flies... been a month since I posted here last and now it's almost 4th of July again!

I get tied up for flecktarn almost every week now. Last Wendesday was the first time in a long time I wasn't but I felt really bad that day anyway so Josh let me off the hook.

Memorial Day Hunt

2009-05-27T01:54:00.003-05:00

This Memorial Day weekend was another hunt. I was one of the ones getting hunted and PoW.

I am still too exhausted to write it all up, most of it I can't tell anyways.

Just so y'all know why I wasn't online all this weekend.

Work, Jail, Life, Flecktarn

2009-04-06T22:55:00.007-05:00

So .

Making another effort to write more regelary on my blog.

Called my little brother Reece today and heard my twin bro Clayton got messed up in jail. He went to visit and they wouldnt let him. Just said he got in a fight and hes hurt bad and in the hospital. That means nothing. I wish I knew whats going on.

At work someone backed into a tall metal tool box and knocked it over and it feel on me. hurt my left knee and leg pretty bad. Wasn't bleeding too bad but hurt.

Noah was horny and was wanting to fuck after work. I wasn't in the mood cos I was going to Josh's house and not get fucked twice. But I have to be nice to him. So we shared a joint first and he punched me in the balls... he knows I'm into this, I guess he tried to turn me on. LOL. It was a punch allright but I almost laughed. He meant it to be nice. He got off good though and I could drive over to Josh. He was done fast today also, he was already waiting for me. He fucked me till I was cumming real good though, so I'm happy. And he didn't send me away after, he is letting me stay. I'm glad, I am rather around him and not back at Noah's who would prolly want to fuck again. I have to sleep in his bed so either way thats the way it is.

Last Flecktarn night at the bar with the group I got knocked out 4 times. They really let me have it. and that after the wild weekend. I got picked for flecktarn night all the last weeks. I hope I get a break for a week or two this is getting to me.

I'm tired, so I keep it sort for tonight. Better short than nothing right

I am making it a routine to write every day

2008-10-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

Can't believe I didn't write anything in my blog since April. Time really flies by. So much has happened since then, it is hard to go back and sum it all up. I decided today to make it a routine to write every day.

I'll try to catch up on the last months too.

Not a good idea to get into Yahoo IM because now I have windows pop up all over the place. Yeah well

OMG its october

2008-10-07T07:13:00.002-05:00

i havent written anything since April?? got to sit down and catch up

still behind...

2008-04-08T07:49:00.003-05:00

Sigh I have soooo much to write still. Been gettin a lot of gutpunching but theirs never a cam

found these on yutube:

this is pretty cool too:

this guy I've seen taking on ein the balls too:

gotta go.. picking up filters and to work!!

Funny Video

2008-03-31T07:04:00.003-05:00

OH GOD, I have a lot of news!! But its gonna take me hours to write up what all happened this weekend. Tonight I hope.

Here's some stuff I just saw on Kramtoad:

and this one

Bowling balls:

Fight Fight Fight!

and I love this one:

you can get beat up in the middle of a crowd:

videos.. cant sleep

2008-03-26T04:51:00.006-05:00

its fucking almost 5am and I can't sleep. How can you go to work in the morning and get fucked all night???

I'm still way behind on my blog... just looking through some vids now. Heres one i found

this is more like it hehehe ;-)

or this one.. im just bored

i try to get some sleep now. He shouldnt wake me up one more time!!!!!

One more nasty thing so I'm done with it

2008-03-23T14:30:00.005-05:00

He my bf was still kinda crappy with me after I was at Mitchells but at least I wasn't dumped and he let me stay over and fucked me. But he hardly talked with me so I kept quiet and let him do whatever. When he fucked me he tried just to get off and not make it fun for me but I was so happy he didn't dump me I got off anyways.

So the next weekend we went to like this bar to hang out with a couple of the guys from the group for beers and Mitchell was their too. He kind of parked me at the bar between some black guys from the army in Fort Hood and told me to stay with my ass on that chair. I didnt like being between all the black guys. This was just a social thing not even in uniform like always. The black guys were like all of them with bling and gold chains and all that shit and talking in their funny way. I hate black guys. You would too if you was locked up with 3 horny other blacks a little older in a room for 2 weeks in juvi and got beat and raped. They would even beat me up if i was gonna bend over for them anyways, just for kicks and beating up on a white guy. Anyways.

So my bf was hanging with Mitchell on the other side and then he came over and wanted my truck keys cos he and Mitchell were gonna go somewhere and we came in my truck. He said to the others in case they didnt get back in time if they would give me a ride home. Then they took off. He didnt come back for a long time and I was gonna go away from the bar but they said if i wasnt told to sit right their or what?? So I stayed I didnt want to get in a tiff with them. Then I had to piss and when I got up they said I wasnt suposed to and I said I got to piss from all the beer so they said oh ok but one of them came right after me. At the urinal he stood like right behind me, and I was thinking what the fuck but I better didnt say nothing. And then he says if I like black dick and I was a cocksucker for sure and I was like no I'm not. And then he was like if I was going to piss or what, so I couldnt just not do it and I had to really bad anyways so I got my dick out and started to piss and he was like right behind me. A foot taller then me abouts and he was looking over my shoulder and said come on show me what youve got and I told him to leave me alone but he just pulled my pants down all the way and said come on all white boys love black dick. This was NOT good, I needed to get this horny fucker away from me. When I was done pissing he turned me around and made fun of me and said haha white dicks are always so little but then he let me pull up my pants. Before he let me leave the restroom tho he grabbed my ass and said nice one and if I ever got some black dick up their for good. I just shook my head, that was about the last thing I'd do, tell him yeah and how much I hated it and getting into all that.

So back at the bar I sat on my chair again and was praying my bf and Mitchell would show up soon but it got later and later and the other guys all started to leave. So the three black fuckers left with me at the bar said we better get going and where I was wanting to go and even though I was wanting to go to my bfs house I wasnt sure if that was cool to tell them so I said Addison to my place. And they said hey if we give you a ride you're inviting us right and I had to pay my tab and theirs. I almost didnt have enough cash on me for that. ASSHOLES. God if I didnt love my bf so much I would of have never joined that stupid group. I always only get fucked with!

So we're out to the parking lot and they got like this old crown vic on huge rims. Old police car only painted in like a weird metal flake color and 22 inchers on them. And a real shitty lift kit, the wheels wont even turn much without scratching the fender and making wierd noises. This is like so stupid! He had to go like 10 times frowards and back to get out of the parking space. I had to get in the back and the guy next to me got like frisky fast. Like how much I was wanting to suck all their dicks and that for sure I was hoping to get all their dicks up my ass and get like fucked real good. All I said was no and just get me home but this got too weird and the guy was still backing the car out cos of the stupid rims and I was thinking I better walk home or get me a cab but after paying their tabs I had not enough for a cab but even hitchhiking would be better. So I thought I get out of here but then the door didnt open and the guy next to me saw that and laughed like really hard and he said dude child locks! And that little white boys get scared too easy of some real dicks thats why. I knew then I was in big trouble and when we got on the road they didnt turn on I20 to Dallas but the other way and I knew they werent dropping me off like they said. Insted they drove all the way to Fort Worth and then south and stopped at some shithole trailer park full of rundown singlewides. At first I was trying to say like hey your going the wrong way but they were all like hey dude we just party some more with you and that they knew I was like dying to ride some black dick and show how good I can suck cock and all that. The guy in the back with me got really frisky with me and tried to get my head down in his crotch but I was fighting him and they guys in the front were like laughing and telling him to warm me up a little and we like really struggled in the back. He guy could have just whacked me they were all big guys and fit with muscles a lot, all much taller and bigger then me. But he was just playing with me, till he got my shirt off and my t, and I fought it. When he got my shirt off he put it up front like a trophy and then same with my tshirt.

Then he was just feeling me up all over and telling the guys up front how white I was and a firm bubble ass and like wrestling me around. In the end for the last couple miles he had me like sitting on his lap and pushed forward so that he was like behind and over me and his arm around my neck chocking a little and my head between the front seats. The fucker on the passenger seat was taking to me how much I was gonna get off getting pounded by them and I'd love the party with them. Yeah right! fuck that. I was just thinking how I could get out of this and I didnt see much options ;-( I started wondering too if I got set up for this or if they just thought they could do it with me. But I couldnt see my bf doing this to me, he knows what I've been through in juvi and jail and how much I hate blacks. Anyway theirs no point now I got to get through this.

So when they stop at the trailer i dont want to get out and I fight them and trying to tell them I want to go home. Fat chance. They're just laughing and high5ing and saying the little white fucker is scared of some real dicks and all that. So they end up pulling me out of the crown vic in the end by my legs and I'm like really fighting them, kicking with my sneaks but their not getting like really mad its more like they get off on me fighting it. And maybe cos I couldnt really kick any of them hard enough to make them mad. So after they get me out they push me over the trunk down hard, two of them, and the other unlocks the door to the singlewide. The two guys like feel me up and feel up my ass and between my legs and keep telling me how much I'm wanting it and its just my stupid white pride that keeps me fighting it and no worries they'd help me get over it fast. So then they push me inside and that trailer is a fucking DUMP! Trash everywhere and I see a roach in the sink and tons of empty bottles and like half the lights are broken. They push me on the dirty floor and I'm lying on my back and they are standing around me and one says what should we do first with the little bitch.

I'm trying to get up and making a last effort to get out and run but they keep pushing me down. And say what a feistty little white boy. I didnt think blacks would even know they workd feisty the way they talk smack. So one says hey kiddo dont you want to strip for us we know how much you want to suck and ride real cocks. And one of them kicks me like a bit to get me moving and so I kick one of them in the shin really hard and I got him and he gets all mad and says you little SHIT your sucking me first for that. Its turning a little sour now and they let me get up and I say no way (and even get it out in one piece) and I want out. But they guy I kicked says stop this shit and get down and I look him in the eye and say no way and I get that out clean too! I'm really scared but I'm not just giving in. Plus I know how these people are. I've been through it too often they are going to fuck me over anyways before they get their fun. Its like racism backwards and they're doing it. At least I want to keep my pride. It still really really bugs me today how, back when in juvi, I was just trying to bend over for them to fuck me so they would stop hurting me so bad, and they never did anyways only I felt like shit afterwards cos I didnt even try to fight it. If their was anything I could do I would not just let them and I was for sure not just gonna suck his fucking black dick and FOR SURE i wouldnt be stripping for them like I was wanting it with them. No fucking way. I was scared shitless but I know how it works and I was really proud of myself how I was handling it and not just cave in like a sissy. Didnt make me feel a lot better cos I know what I'm in for and that it wouldnt be easy.

So then the guy that was behind me suddenly grabs my arms and pulls me tight, and the guy I kicked pulls down his sweat pants and strokes his dick a little and gets hard and says he knows how much I'm dying to suck this. He's pretty big and it makes me feel sick looking at it. Its not fair they got big dicks all of them, or most at least. All I say is FUCK YOU and I start kicking and bucking around. But he just stepped back a little so I couldnt reach him and I try to kick back, the guy that was holding me so tight, but he just grabs me harder and then runs forward like fast and slams me in the corner next to the door and hard! Its hurting my shoulder and my ribs, and he steps back and does it like 3 more times. That really hurts and I quit the kicking and I'm like a little hanging off him. Then the third guy comes up and he says you fuckers are all the same, putting up a big show and then beg to get black cocks up your ass and then you feel all guilty in your white skin. And he says to the guy thats holding me maybe we should just make him fucking beg if hes gonna be such a dickhead. Then he stands like right in front of me and starts twisting my nipples and says if I kick him or kick ever again he would break my legs. He is twisting really hard and I have to wince and I get a little teary. The other guy is really holding me tight.

The the nipple twister says if I'm now a good like white cocksucker and do what he knows I want anyways, and party with them and get off good or if I was gonna be a fucker that needs to learn how to beg and not make such a fucking stink first up. My choice. My head is racing, I'm thinking I get it one way or the other and maybe these three are different and their not gonna bet the crap out of me first and then fuck, maybe if I swallow my pride since its too late now anyways I get away just with some fucking and sucking and they use maybe rubbers too if I ask. Who knows what else they all got, I'm poz but they prolly have all kinds of STDs anyways. Then it dawns on my maybe see havent seen the plus under my group tatt so I say guys I'm POZ like thats a way out. They all just laugh real hard like I made a huge joke and the guy in front of me says he was knowing all I was thinking about was getting fucked!! It dawned on my that was a mistake to say it cos they knew I was thinking about the fucks. Damn!

So the guy says whats it gonna be, good white fuck boy or bad white fuck boy? I'm looking in his eyes, and I just KNOW he's just wanting to get to me. He is like all the other black fuckers with a white guy, they were going to beat me anyways and fuck or whatever. So I say fuck you, but I was also so scared it was more like a whisper then like really saying it. And he like YELLS in my face MOTHERFUCKER!!! And then he starts punching me hard in my guts, like so hard it pushes all the air out of my lungs. The guy that has his dick still out says hit low or hes gonna puke on the floor. And the guy keeps hammering. Its like getting a baseball bat rammed in, and low, belly button and below. At first I tried to flex my abs but I didnt last more then maybe the first 5 and then he is going all the way in. I'm like bending over and cramping up but the big guy holding me pulls me up tight and so I'm almost off the floor with my sneaks. Then the guy stops punching and looks me in the eye and says oh hes already crying! But I wasnt he was just making fun of me. And he says you white sissy boys are all the same, big mouth and cant even take a beating. And if I was now wanting to be a good white fucking cocksucker or what. I didnt say nothing just kind of gave him a mad look. SO he grins and pushed my head back with my chin as far as it goes against the guy holding me and thentakes a swing and hits me in the balls, and hard. I expected he would hit me in the abs again cos i was more stretched with him pushing my chin up and he got me good. I didnt want to but I had to yell out. He kept pushing my chin back and I tried to get my knees together protect myself some but their wasnt much room. The second one was even worse. The guy must be a boxer or something, not just work out a lot. I get my balls hit a LOT but his swings really got to me. I had to really scream, and I got tears. It really hurt, I was kind of coughing for air.

Fucking assholes thats no fair three on one. But since when are horny black motherfuckers ever fair. I would write something different for black onhere but I'm not sure if the blog company is ok with that. Thats what I was thinking though! And saying. I got like really mad cos I knew i was gonne get fucke dup more and it just wasnt fair. He took another swing at my balls, and it kinda started me cracking. I really had to scream cos it hurt so bad, it felt i was getting wet in my pants and i was afraid i was bleeding or something. And I really hated that I start to cry. The guy thats been hitting me says like with disgust see not even 5 minutes and the fucking sissy is ready to beg for real dicks. And then, so your ready or what? I was so desperite and mad that they got me like this. And also so fucking mad that now I was in the same fucking situation like when i was 16 and 17 in juvi and I was swearing to myself that I would never ever get in their again and with these kind of black assholes. And now its all the same over again! And then I was thinking, if I just gave in now maybe they wouldnt hurt me more and that was it already. And what my boyfriend would think how I should handle it, like what if he was watching? I know if he were like really their, he'd want me to be a lot tuffer and not just give up after like this. And who knows maybe this would get back to him somehow, after all these mofos are in the group too. Just cos I was so mad and desperite, and thinking about what he would think, he thought what the fuck to myself and said to the guy "YOU FUCKING N.....S" (I'm just not writing it here just in case).

Of course they all got really pissed. Got me 2 full swings in the balls bangbang, and then the guy holding me let me drop. Theywere like all cussing at me now, the usual stuff. When he let me off I was on my knees holding my balls, bent over but I didnt go on the dirty floor. But then the guy what had been hitting me kicked me hard in the side and they all got down over me and the first guy still had his dick handing out it flopped all over. They were very ruff stripping me and it was fast. They just ripped off my sneaks and socks and pulled my jeans down and off. They had me like totally pinned down. The then guy that was holding me before said if I was gonna pull down my briefs for them and show me what I got. Even if I had wanted to say yes I couldnt because of of them had his knee on my throat and pinned down so I couldnt. They took it as a no or didnt even wait for me to say something and one of them nailed me hard, like he wanted to squish my balls between his fist and my bones. I screamed really bad but with the guys leg on my throat nothing much came out. They nailed me a couple more times and I was wanting to pull down my briefs to make it stop but they had my arms pinned down too I couldnt move more then some fingers and could do nothing. I was ready to give in and do whatever, I hope my bf would be really proud of me I held out so long. I felt so fucking bad that after 10 years the same fucking thing was happening AGAIN and so bad as it was back then.

Then the guy let off a little with his leg and one of them asked if I was gonna stip my briefs now for them and beg for their cocks but before I could say YES YES YES they nailed me again. If their was anyone in the other trailers around they would of have heard me, it was a ballbreaker hit for sure. So I was like I do it I do it as much as I could in my sobbing. I was WAY over putting up the tuff act they fucked with me too bad. They all got up and I just pulled my legs up and held my balls and they were still in one piece. They were like so DO IT and then they pulled me up and said do it sexy or they really go and make me beg for their dicks. I had a hard time standing straight and they said dance and strip white boy. I knew I better or it be worse but it was hard to do. I guess i wasnt too bad for them but it was like really humilaiting. Then I was standing their with my head down not sure what next. And the guy that was holding me before came up from behind and put his hand under my chin and pulled it up and said if I was gonna beg now. GOD! This is like against everything but I thought I better get through it the faster the better. So I did and he was feeling me up and said do it like you mean it we know you want it just let it out and say it for real till I did. This really hurt bad inside to beg them to let me suck them and get fucked. They made me say I really loved to get fucked by black dicks and that theirs are the real ones and the only ones to really get a white cocksucker off and all that. THAT SUCKED SO BAD!!

So then they wanted me to pick which dick to suck first but I didnt know whats best to do cos I didnt want to tick them off anymore so the guy that still had his dick out said come here, and the guy behind me pushed me so I fell down on my knees right in front of him. He had his dick boned up and it was big but ugly cos its black. Then he said yeah admire it cos we got to get something else and he told the third guy to get the little box from the car. They were doing tina (cyrstal meth) but they were kind of short so they said your white ass aint getting nothing. I was REALLY glad cos Ive been clean over 3 years and when I saw they had tina I got scared to death they would make me too and I would get back in the same old again. PUH!!

So then the guy grabbed my head and pushed me down on his dick. Oh man he smelled bad! Blacks stink anyway but he really was stinking. Then he pulled me back up and said if i was gonna bite or just scrape he would knock out every single tooth I got so to watch out. I remember how much it cost me last time just to get one fixed that I got kocked out so I was really careful. But I hated it. Not a black dick and a stinking one so I just tried to lick his head some but I wasnt gonna get away with that. Teh guy tried to push me down harder on his dick but I was kind of pulling back and he said to the others the white cocksucker cant even suck right!! They were laughing and I felt one of them grabbing my balls from behind between my legs and crunching them so I really went down on him but he kept working them hard so I cant help it but I like flexxed a little and scratched the guys boner a little with my teeth and he got mad and pulled me up and punched me on the side of my face that I got a little dizzy and he said you already forgot what I do with your fucking teeth??? then he pushed me down again and this time all the way way behind my choke reflex and he kept me down on it and the other guy was still working my balls. I was getting panicky and tried to push off the couch he was sitting on with my arms but he forced down my head and didnt let up and I couldnt get air! He punched my head on the side again a couple times and said watch your fucking teeth! Then he let up a little so i could get some air and I got a full whiff of his stink and it was BAD. Then he fucked my throat alittle but I guess he didnt like it too much cos he pulled me all the way up so i was straight on my knees and he bent forward and let his hands slide down from my head to my shoulders and grabbed me real right and squeezed. He said you little white fuckboy first you put up the big i hate the n....s show and in less then 10 minutes your begging to suck and ride some real dicks and now you dont even suck good. And that I should better do it good or his friends was gonna have my balls for a LOT worse then before. And the guy still had me by my really supersore balls and really yanked on them and squeezed hard. I jerked bad and wanted to crunch over but the guy still had me tight by the shoulders so I threw my head back and I hit the guys head behind me, I really banged into his head. That guy took his other hand and held my head back and squeezed harder. I tried to get his hands off my balls but their was no way and so I grabbed his legs behind me to have something to hold on to. And he said white boy you better put up a good show now... he didnt say what the 'else' would be but I knew anyways. Then he let me head go and let off a little on my balls and I went down on the guy. I really tried to do it good but he smelled so bad and he kept ushing my head right so that his boner was right on my gag reflex. I was feeling I got sick, mostly cos it was a black dick in my throat but also cos he stank so bad and cos my balls hurt so bad. I didnt dare stop but I felt it coming and then it was and I tried to get off so I wouldnt go sick all over his crotch but he didnt let me and kept pushing me down. And then it happened, it wasnt my fault and I heard the other two yelling of fucking shit what an asshole, and the guy let go of my balls, but the guy i was sucking didnt let me off. He just slid down the couch a little more and locked his hands behind my head and he really started fucking my throat even with me puking still. This was really sick, and I got panic cos I couldnt get air and when I got a little suck it got puke in my lungs and cughed and he still kept going and then kicking my guts with his knees yelling watch your teeth watch your FUCKING teeth!! Finally he cums and just as I got a little air and I inhaled some if not most. He still didnt let go of me and so my head is still in his stinking crotch only now its even a lot worse with my puke in it and I'm coughing like crazy and trying to get air. Finally he lets off and I fall back and get on all fours trying to get air. I'm spitting his cum and some puke like it fucking dont matters on that floor...

Their all like disgusted and saying this fucker sucks and the thrid guy is like i just want to fuck him up!!! But the guy I just sucked off is laughing and he gets up and just throws the blanket and the cushion I puked on out the door. The he says hes got to take a shower (FUCK YEAH YOU DO) and I could suck them but they not really wanting to. I catch my breath after a while and just kind sit on the floor. I got my own puke on my shoulders and my chest and in my face but theirs nothing to wipe it. Their both watching me and I look away. I hear the other guy in the shower, I'm kinf od surprised the showers working in this fucked up piece of shit trailer. So then they two turn on the boom box in the corner, like really loud. Black music with like a lot of bass, boom boom. And they say to me to dance, and when I'm not like jumping up one of them is like pretending to get up like he was coming for me so I jump up which really isnt easy, I'm fucking sore.

Im in no mood to dance so I do as best I can. The tina has like totally kicked in with them now they both stroking their boners and the guy that was holding me at first either has weird pants that make his dick look huge, or he has a really huge one for real. So then the guy comes out of the shower and says fucking awesome we get the parteee goin and he gives me a quart and says dance and drink this. I'm taking a sip but he says I said drink it and he comes back and takes it from me and says open up and then he makes me drink it. He wont barely let me swallow, only when I couff cos its burning like hell. He didnt even dry off after the shower and he is naked. The other 2 are stripping now too and I feel miserable. I feel the booze run down in me and its getting to me fast. They tell me to keep dancing and with the booze kicking in some its getting easier. They say I should get a boner up and I try but its taking me a while till I got mine stiff. Of course their making fun of me. The one guy really has a HUGE one. Their just watching and stroking some. Then the first one says whos first and the third guy says me but I dont want to dig in his shit and they all get up and grab me and push me in the little bathroom in the shower. They are real rough and turn on the water to hot only and it is hot! Then they shower me off first like the puke and cum and its almost burning me, like really fucking close. I'm wet and their mostly too. They still all got raging boners. Then one screws off the shower head and I think their putting this up my ass and so hot so I try to get away and out of the shower but they wrestle me down and force it in. I'm screaming the house down cos it stings and burns like HELL. Their cleaning me out good, it stinks like hell, and when their done finally, I'm sobbing like crazy and I'm not fighting anything anymore.

They carry me more then I walk back in the main room and throw me on the bed and the third guy just gets like over me and fucks. I dont even feel a lot, my ass is burning like hell and he's fast. Im like desperite cos their not using no rubbers. The guy is telling me to say how great his black dick feels in my ass and I do it just so it wont get any worse but for real I couldnt give a flying fuck. When he cums I guess he likes it cos he grunts like an animal that he is and says to the other 2 fuck thats a tight ass for a white fuck boy. And he wants me to say how great it was for me and that I dont know why I was fighting is. I'm saying it but of course i didnt mean it. Then the guy with the huge dick. He's at least working it in a bit but hes still huge and its hard on me. My ass isnt burning so bad anymore and that guy can fuck. He fucks rough and hard but I like that anyways. I start HATING myself for this but it feels good. After a little while hes like see the white fuck boy digs it and he fucks harder and its like hes impaling me on this thing. Then he also wants me to say how fucking great his huge black dick feels in my pussyboy white ass and I do and I HATE myself for knowing it does a little. Hes taking his time and not just blowing his load like the first one and after a bit I cant help it but I get really into it and when he cums I cum too. I HATE HATE HATE myself for getting off on a black dick. Of course their having a field day they made me cumming. The last guy isnt ready for a fuck yet he blew his load already so their having me lick them and humilate me more and later they cuff me with my hands behind my back to the pole of the kitchen table foldout. It sucks to lie in the dirt of the floor listen to them snoring and I'm cold and naked.

This was going on all Saturday and the night and all Sunday till afternoon and on and off. Blowing one of them, getting fucked, they did get a little ruff with me in between or when I was too tired to be a power bottom but nothing like at first. I was wondering if my bf wasnt missing me and was dreaming about him coming to rescue me or something.

Then finally Sunday afternoon we all leave and i see the place by day. God this is even more run down like what it looked at night. They just leave the cushion and the blanket with the puke outside where they threw it out. Their just letting me out at the first DART station that goes into Dallas and at least they give me 5 bucks for the tickets and my shirt back. Took me like an hour to get to the DART station near my bfs house and walking the last mile or so takes like the last out of me. I feel like S-H-I-T and I'm like really fucking depressed. Its like I go in the same cicles all over again, I thought I was way over that shit.

I kept like daydreaming how my bf would be like all upset and feel horrible for me for this and do something about it, like within the group or something. And I'm wondering where my truck is, at his house or where. I see it parked nearby where I leave it always when I'm home (at his house) but he's not their and his car either. At least I find my keys on the tire and I just lie on the bench and take a nap. Its like I almost passed out on the bench the second I got on it. When I wake up someones knocking on the window. Its my bf. And behind him is Mitchells youngest and grinning from ear to ear. The kid is fucking cute and I hate hes blond too. But I'm trying not to think that cos its Mitchells son and thats only trouble. I dont think its any smart of my bf to hang with him.

So my bf says if im living in my truck now or what and he says you look like shit and hes gonna drive me home and the kid is following in his Volvo. On the way he says he figured I was gonna hook up with them and it went sour huh? I'm trying to say something and I want to explain but I cant get nothing out. I get stuck on like very word so I give up. He just keeps going about he bets I took them bare too and what a slut I am and I better get tested for STDs before hes putting his dick anywhere. I'm about ready to cry this is SOOOO not fair.

And THEN!! he says... see thats what its like if bad shit happens to you that you dont want. Like when you lie to me. And then hes not saying one more word till we get to my place and he just gets out and the kid gets out of the drivers seat of his Volvo so he can get in and they take off. I'm crying all the way up to my place and then i really totally break down and I swear I never ever ever ever lie to him again.

Puh. I'm glad I got this shit writen up and done with it.

Paying for lying

2008-03-23T13:55:00.003-05:00

So just after what happened and in the park wasnt all to make up for lying but he let me in at least the next day and fucked me and let me stay over but he was like a little mean all the time but that was my fault. It was like kind of rocky for a couple days after and he said one night Mitchell needed to test something and wanted me over. That SUCKED, and I had like butterflies in my stomach and was scared cos at Mitchells thats always really bad. And it was, that machine he built now is crazy. He had me strip naked with is like really rare with him. Normalle maybe only shirt off and then he ties me up standing with legs wide and arms wide and up and kicks the fucking shit out of my balls. Not this time, just strip naked and lie on the floor between these big 6x6s. Then he tied my neck down hard to the floor with a chain and a rope around my ankles and pulled me up slowly, putting in like heavy metal bars between the big posts till I was all rolled around and my feet came down next to my face. I was looking at the soles of my feet in like a real tight back roll and with my balls right on top. Being rolled back over those bars really fucking hurt my back! Like it was close to snap. Then he tied my arms forward and that was stretching me even more. Like forward and at a angle so I could almost touch my feet. He just hit my nuts hard a couple times and then walked around the other side and rammed his knee in my abs they were just right in front of his knee. Then he just left me their and it didnt took long and like every muscle in my body started to hurt cos being rolled like this was really crazy. H ewas just messing around, I could hear him but I couldnt see him behind me.

This is really so unfair. He just always fucks me up really bad and won't even fuck me. I know he is HUNG, like 2 beer cans on top of each other. Not that I want to be fucked by anyone but my bf but if he always fucks my balls up so bad cos hes really ball crazy, a lot more then my bf, he could at least fuck me really good.

After a long time he came walking over again and I knew now it was gonna get bad. I just wanted out of their but I know its not like this. So he fucked with my balls really bad till I couldnt even scream anymore and then he said I got one other thing to try and all I could think was you fucking shithead sadistic asshole but of course i didnt say nothing it would only make it worse. He said he got a new stun gun, the first with 1 Million volts, and all I could so is say noooooo please - like this would have worked. He is so fucked up. He stunned my belly first and it was like my body wanted to jump and curl inwards of the roll he put me in but of course that didnt work. Tied to tight backwards and my belly trying to cramp up is just the opposite way but it felt like I was ripping all muscles out of my guts and I was close to passing out, really really close and I was hoping I would cos then I dont feel anything anymore. Then he stunned my nuts and I felt only this shirt crazy pain and a bright light in my head and I was out. When I came around my ball were on cold fire, it HURT!!! Like they were turned all steel and at the same time like on fire, really burning with flames shooting up and the pain was like spinning in a roll all around me from by balls through my body to my head and like jumping over to me feet and back up the roll to my balls. This was horrible and I felt like I was gonna die!! And sobbing like crazy, and I had a lot of spit coming out of my mouth, like really a lot.

Then he said one more time and I could go and I tried to plead and beg with him not to, I could not take it anymore. But for one he wouldnt listen anyway, for another whatever came out of my mouth was some wobblybobbly anyways. He was teasing me for a while and holding it out just to scare me more and it was working, he is a fucking scary crazy mean guy. When he stunned my balls the second time I wish I had passed out like right then like the first time but I didnt. It was a lot worse then before, the pain was spinning around that backwards wheel I was tie dup at like crazy like zoom zoom zoom around and my balls felt like they were cramping up too and I was like trying to cramp backwards into the roll like trying to curl up whwn I was like put on their just the other way around. After a bit I did pass out, finally!! When I woke up again I was off that roll, just naked on the ground, and outside behind his garage where his torture room brig is in the second floor under the roof. My uniform was on a pile next to me. I guess I woke up cos I got cold it was kind of chilly. Took me a while to put it on. At Mitchells its always in uniform. I was too sore and too tired to get my boots on so I just carried them barefoot, and walked around and my truck was their. My pockets were empty, but the truck wasnt locked and the keys in the lock and my other stuff on the seat. I had a really hard time driving I got lucky I didnt get pulled over for like how I was swerving. I went to my bf cos its closer and I figured he can see how much I got hurt so i was paying and maybe he would feel bad for me. His Volvo was in his spot but he didnt open when i knocked and didnt asnwer the phone also. So I had to drive all the way up to Addison to my place and that was hard. I am never ever going to lie to my bf again, not even for small stuff. Its not worth it.

Fessing up.. I lied to my bf

2008-03-23T10:47:00.007-05:00

Keeping up with my blog aint easy... thers my bf and work and it's like I'm always behind. I'm trying, though!!

So here goes, still have to fess up about this one. I lied to my bf. I thought it was just a little white lie. I know thats like the biggest thing he hates, lies. So this was really stupid of me. Anyways, I was so fucking WORN out that just onenight i wanted to go to my own place and SLEEEEP. So I called him from work and said I had to work late and I didn't know how late so I'd be going to my little place and not come to him. He just said OK. The minute I got to my place I just hopped in the shower and then straight on my bed I didnt even dry off much I was so tired. I think I was already asleep the second I pulled the cover over me. God I needed that, and bad. He wears me out. I know this sounds crazy that for once I didn't want to go to him and his house. When I say "home" I mean HIS house and I know I'm always whining about him not letting me move in but theirs like some days when I have GOT to catch up on sleep. I don't get how he can live on so little sleep and always fuck in the middle of the night when everyones sleeping.

So the next day after work I go over to his house and he is late and I still on the stairs for like an hour and a half till he shows. He got some groceries and we're in the kitchen putting them away and hes saying if I had to work like real late. So what am I gonna say, fess up or what so I say yeah but wasn't too bad, and he wants to know hoe late and I say like 10pm, and then he says if I got paid extra at least and I say no, and he says if everyone had to work late or just me or what. I'm like like squirming some cos I don't want to make it any worse, I feel pretty bad already for making some shit up to get just ONE night of sleep I was needing so bad. But he is riding me in deeper and deeper. This is all while were putting the groceries away. He's asking what we had to do and all that, and I get stuck a little cos I didn't think of that before. I'm not a good liar. Doh!!

So THEN he says he felt bad for me for having to work late and all and he says he came by my work to pick me up for a beer after, and their wasnt anyone, all dark and shut down. I knew I was B-U-S-T-E-D. Fuck. So he says like still all sweet who i hooked up with and if the fuck was any good at least, and I'm like in SHOCK and thinking oh fuck fuck fuck is that what hes thinking??? So I tell him I was just so tired and thats why I did it. Fat chance he was just gonna believe me. So then all of a sudden when I turn around to put the last box of cokes in the fridge he like BAM slugs me in the face with his fist and so hard I fall back and bashed my head in the doors of the cabinets, and I'm like all dizzy and try to get up but the kitchen is all spinning around me. And then he stomps me in the guts and then lets himself fall on me, knee first in my stomach. FUCK! And he stays like that one me and grabs me by my ears and yells in my face I'm a fucking liar and I should of known better then lying to him and what the fuck I was thinking.
Was of course just him and me but I like these pictures so you get an idea. So he says for me to finish putting the cokes away but I'm like real dizzy and from him falling with his knee in my stomach with all his weight I'm like ready to throw up, I feel it coming. I think I put half the cokes in upside down. And when I'm done and get up I get sick and throw up in the sink. And I'm feeling miserable and mad at myself cos I know it was stupid to lie and now I get to hear and feel it for 2 or more weeks and I know theirs gonna be hell to pay, this is nothing (!!) of what I know I got coming. God why am I so stupid sometimes just for wanting to sleep one night? dumb dumb dumb!!! So I'm still hanging ver the kitchen sink and puking and I am so mad at myself and so miserable that I cant help it and tear up and them im like crying. Fuck thats not what I want but I cant help it. I'm like balling and its weird like I try to flush the puke and tears are like dripping into it.. god I'm so FUBAR.

So he comes and stands right behind me and grabs my neck with his left hand and force my head down and jabs me hard in the kidneys that would have made me jolt up but hes got me down by my neck. And he says so NOW I'm feeling bad but I should know better not to lie and crying a little and regretting it now wouldnt make it go away and that I was a little fucking shit liar and how I could do this to him after all this time??? And hes going on and on about breaking trust and respect and all that and it makes me just feel worse and worse and GUILTY. And hes saying that if after all this time I'm still lying to him theirs no hope and he should just make me KAPUT and throw me out for good. Break al lmy bones and my balls and fist my ass till he gets all the way to my little fucking heart and rip it out my ass and then dump me. I'm getting like totally in panic and I'm thinking OH MY GOD NO he's really calling it quits, I fucked up too bad, and I'm like screaming and pleeding and trying to tell him I just wanted to sleep and that I'm sooooo sooooo soooooo sorry and I didnt really mean to and that is was more like a little white lie cos he never lets me sleep one night through --- but he really doesnt want to hear nothing and it sure dont help I studder so bad cos I cant get like anything really out in one piece. He's like totally going off the handle. Still holding me down over the sink and hitting my kidneys (GOD that HURTS) and kneeing my thighs from the back and my ass so I get smashed against the marble of the counters and the cabinets. Then he says if I'm done throwing up and I say yes and he says oh really and pulls me back a little so my chin is like on the front corner of the sink and rams his knee right in my guts a couple times. After the first one I just hang down on the cabinet but he grabs my belt on my jeans and pulls me up so he has a clear shot. I'm not doing anything to block him or what, I deserve it so I just cramp my hands on the corner of the sink. And I think he's like trying to break my back the way hes pulling his knee up to ram my guts. After a couple I do have to puke some more. Then he says now I'm done puking and he lets me off and I just fall back on the floor and cry and try telling him I didn't mean to. I hate that I can't talk right but this time I REALLY REALLY hate it cos I'm like still retching like crazy and I can't get one word out right. So he tells me to shut the fuck up and kicks me over and over in the guts and a couple in the balls, wherever he gets me as I'm like flipping around to dodge the kicks and trying to protect my balls. He stops and tells me to get the fuck on my back and spread my legs so he has a clear shot and after a bit I do, I aint got no choice. And he fucking stomps me, I bet he did it as hard as he could. I'm wanting to scream but I suddenly get no air. He kicks me full force in the balls sometimes but this felt like he was trying to break them. My balls are killing me and I'm so fucking miserable from how it hurts but worse from me being so stupid lying to him like I was gonne get away with it and just for some sleep! I so deserve to get punsihed but I dont want him to dump me!!! I can't stop crying and as I get some air I'm still trying to tell him how sorry I am and why i did it but I can't get anything out really that he can understand. He's just standing their and watching me and he looks fucking MAD!

Then after like a couple minutes or so watching me curled up and crying and gets down on the floor behind me and grabs my right ear and pulls my head up. That hurts my ear but my balls and my guts hurt a lot more. And he's talking in my ear saying I'm a little shit and whats he gonna do with me, seems like I never learn nothing. Maybe it would be the best if he gave me back to Mitchell's in his platoon, maybe I'd be better off being his meat for all his torture machines to try out on, or maybe better to the crazy guys in Waco where I wouldn't last 2 weeks. Now he's really scaring me, if he dumps me thats like the end of my world but on top having to go back to being Mitchell's I'd kill myself rather, and with the guys in Waco that would get me killed. Thats where crazy Bryce is and his CO is like 10 times what Mitchell is and Mitchell is a sadistic motherfucker!! So I'm like really balling now and begging him no please don't and all as much as I can even get it out. So he says so NOW I'm sorry now that I got caught but thats kind of late and what I was the fuck thinking?? He is like really mad, and really hurt I would lie to him. I wish I never did, what was it worth just to sleep a couple hours? Maybe I could have just asked him real nice instead if he would let me sleep just one night through or wait for a night when he wasnt wanting me over anyways and bear it out in the meantime. And now I'm like risking everything and maybe even worse. I'm such a stupid idiot!!

So then he grabs my wrist and twists my arms up really bad behind me, like he's gonna break my elbow or pop it out in my shoulder and I'm flat on my stomach. It's weird I feel the floor on the kitchen is like wet from me crying and balling and I'm thinking I'm such a sissy, I brought this all over myself and now I'm like a whining bitch when I got to pay for being a stupid liar. Then he pulls me up by my twisted arm and it hurts!! It's like its going out my shoulder for sure. I can hardly stand cos I'm so wobbly and I am dizzy too. Feels like I have a concussion or something, I can't look straight like its all fuzzy. He is pushing me forward through the hallway to the bedroom, and in the corner that hes using when he's beating me up. Cos in the corner it's easier for him to keep me standing up and I got nowhere to go, the only way is forward into his fists that keep flying at me.
So he's pushing me in the corner hard, and he starts hitting me and he's laying it in me. He's really mad. I'm not even trying to block him. For one my arms are so lame I could hardly get them up and I want to take his punishment so he won't dump me. I'm still trying to tell him I didnt mean to and I'm sorry but hes hitting too hard. My legs are so wobbly I can't really stand even if I leanin the corner and he grabs my throat with his left hand and keeps hitting me hard with his right fist, over and over and over, and in between he grabs my throat with both his hands and with his knee push my legs apart so he can ram it straight up in my balls. Once I put my hands to protect my balls but he says to fucking move them away and I dont know where really it was a reflex cos it hurt so bad so I put my arms around his neck and at least then I get it out once how sorry I am but he just racks me really hard over and over and is calling me a fucking piece of shit and not worth it and a motherfucking liar who dont learn nothing and all that. This goes on forever and I get a little hopefull while is is fucking me up good that maybe if he really goes all out on me he wont dump me maybe. Then in the end I cant stand anymore at all and he can't hold me up either, like my legs are like totally giving away. So I sink down in the corner and he keeps kicking me some more but I don't really feel it much anymore. I'm like halfway out, the room is spinning all around me and I feel like I have to throw up really bad but I cant anymore and my balls are like hurting up to my neck and my stomach feels like its been ripped into pieces and hurts bad and my guts are like mush like theive been through a blender. I'm just curled up in the corner and crying cos I'm soooo sorry. He just walks out.

And he's not coming back. I hear him do stuff in the kitchen, and then wathcing his German TV and do whatever. I don't know what to do, if I shouuld go to him or better stay out of his sight or what. And I don't really want to move so much anyway, I'm fucked up and hurting bad. And I don't know what to say to him. After a while I just crawl a little to lie on the bed. I don't even feel like taking my cloths off, its like I'm hurting too much to move enough to strip, even to take my sneaks off. Then I must have gone to sleep.

He wakes me up when hes going to bed and kicks me off it. He says I can fucking sleep on the floor and after I'm off the bed he drags me back in the corner. He's cussing at me, shithead motherfucker lying bitch and all so I know its not over yet. Then he strips and goes to bed and switch the light off and I'm just in my corner in all my cloths still and cyring a little again. Its rare he goes to bed and not get off first he must be really fucking mad at me. Theirs a little light in the room from the parking lot outside and I can see he's not asleep yet. After like 10 mins or so he says oh fuck and gets up and without saying a word just grabs my legs and pulls me so I'm straight on my back. He opens my belt and my levis and pulls them down with the underwear to like half my thighs, sits on my legs and then starts punching me in the balls. Fuck that hurts but I'm hopefull maybe if he does that he wont dump me if he gets off on me too good so I try not to make a show and bite my tongue really hard and I'm putting my hands behind my back so I wont by accident try to protect my nuts. Its hard to even move my arms up. I know I've got to be good now and just take it but it's hard, really hard. My balls are so fucking sore and he is really punching hard. My abs, my belly, my stomach its all cramping up like crazy and I'm digging my fingers so hard in my neck not to let go and not to arch up that it hurts like its gonna bleed any second. My teeth are about to crack cos I'm biting down so hard and I can feel my tears run down on the sides of my face but I'm not making any sounds, just taking it. But I'm so fucking sore and hurting I'm not getting a boner like normal. Thank heavens, cos if I got stuff he would have got real mad. He keeps punching and like really super hard, maybe 20 or 30 times, I dont know. Then he stops and jacks off and he cums all over me. In my face, on my belly and I can feel it hitting my tshirt also that got pushed up some. Then he just sits for a moment or two coming down from the high and then he takes my balls and pulls hard so I have to bend up till my face is like 3 inches from his. And in the little light in the room he looks me straight in the eye and says motherfucking LIAR!! and then he suckerpunches me in the face so my lips bleed and my teeth hurt and gets up and back into bed. And in like 2 minutes or so he's sleeping. I don't know what to do if I should get into bed or what or at least pull up my jeans.. but then I'm too worn out and hurting so bad I just keep lying their and dont move and then I'm asleep too.

I didnt hear the alarms at all or him getting up or anything, I'm like dead till he kicks me hard in the stomach and kinda yells get up your late for work in a minute. And true when I look at the clock I am. But I got to shower and borrow at least a T from him cos mine has like his cum all over it, and since its dark blue it really sticks out. So when I try to get up which isnt easy cos I'm like S-O-R-E and I try to make my way over to the bathroom to shower he says if I'm nuts or what?? And he says to get the fuck out!! I'm like puzzled and he just grabs me and runs me out, like pushing me and when I'm out the door, he pushed me more so I fall flat on my face on the concrete outside. Then he goes back in and 20 seconds later he throws my keys and my cigs out too and shuts the door. I'm heartbroken am I dumped now or what?? He's thrown me out before a couple times like this but that was only when he was in a hurry and I was messing around holding him up, not like after I got caught lying. So I get up go get my keys and my cigs and like stumble over to my truck up front. And inside it hits me what if that was getting DUMPED?? and I'm out for good?? thats when it really hits me and I sit over my steering wheel and cry like really really hard for like 10 minutes. I cant think how it could be without him, its like my life is over. But then I have to go to work, I'm already kinda in trouble with the manager cos I'm late a lot and he hates it when everyone is like 5 or 10 min late. I was wanting to go to my place first and change but then I'd be really late.

So I go to work like this, and I'm thinking its really warm today and I work with no shirt like I always do when its hot in the shop. I make it to work like 2 minutes early so at least that works and make it to the bathrooms and showers with nobody seeing me too good. I hop in the shower cos the manager was busy with something when I walked through the shop and theirs no customers yet. In the mirror I see I got some blue spots from the hitting on my ribs and my belly. Fuck. But my T has so much cum on it, and it really sticks out. I'm trying to wash it out in the sink and it works kinda but my T is totally wet. So I walk out with it off and holding it like in front of me till I get to my lift. Cody sees me and says hi and says dude ruff night huh and grins. I'm just mumbling something like yeah yeah I dont feel like yakking now.

At my lift I'm hanging up the T so it can dry and I still got a car up their from yesterday so I smear some grease over the blue spots on my ribs and belly and start working. I feel like I'm ready to cry though, what if I'm really dumped? All day the other guys leave me alone, I think they can tell I'm sad. And all day I call my bf like 20 times but I only get his box. Dunno if he's busy or if he wont take my calls. Lucky theirs a lot going on so I'm like busy all day. Even forgot about my tshirt, and at least at the end of the day I have something dry and fairly clean to wear. And I dont know what to do. I'm feeling like going home and crashing so I sleep, but I want to know whats up and if I'm dumped and how I can fix it but I dont know how to. Best I go to him if he wont take my calls all day. I'm thinking I better look hot, maybe he forgivs me easier if hes horny. But what should I wear, and if I go to my place first to change I get their late and maybe he thinks I should just run over after work. Theirs just nothing right. In the end I think its best if I put my uniform on first and then go. He loves this shit and he made me join the group, and he gets off on that POW stuff a LOT. I figure if I show up in my uniform I can show more that I do ANYTHING for him, even all that group stuff and he knows I'm not soo hot for all that anyways. So I speed to my place, change in the BDUs and boots and everything, even the camo cap, and then over to his place. His Volvo isn't there so he is not home. Fuck. I hope he's not fucking the next guy already. I call again and he doesnt answer. By now he's prolly already mad at me for calling so much. So I sit on the steps and wait but after 1 hour it feels stupid and theirs this guy walking by with his dog and looking weird at me in my uniform. Since my truck is parked in the same space as always he will see it and I go sit away a bit where people wont stare. I'm like totally nervus and I think I smoked like 2 packs. He isn't coming, and it's almost 11pm. I feel soooo miserable cos its dawning in me I'm really dumped. Maybe I'm getting too old for him anyways and maybe hes getting tired of me anyways too. Hes fucked me about like 1,000 times ball parkish, and then he catch me lying, maybe thats really it. The longer I'm sitting their waiting for him the worse I feel and I keep tearing up.

So then he finally shows up, Ive been waiting like over 4 hours. And I run over to him. He must have known I'm their cos of my truck and he had to drive right by it. But hes like all surprised and says what the fuck am I doing here and I'm like trying to say I'm so sorry and would do anything if he forgivs me but all I can do is cry and nothing comes really out. I HATE myself for crying he hates wussies and he says oh fuck cut out the tears. Then hes just looking at me and I know the uniform is working. Thank heavens I know him so good. I can see it working in him like hes debating what to do kick me in the ass and tell me to get lost forever or do something. I dont like believe in God, cos how could I, but I'm like praying oh please dont let him make me go. He keeps looking at me for like 5 minutes and not saying nothing and I know better then saying anything now so I keep my mouth shut, like I'm waiting for the verdict like jury but it feels like this is like taking FOR-EV-ER.

So then finally!!! he like sighs and puts his hand out and only says 'truck keys'. I rush and get them out of my pocket and give my keys to him and he just turns around and walks up to my truck. So I follow him and I'm thinking this is good! Thank heavens!! Maybe hes not gonna dump me after all. And I keep thinking as I walk behind him thats like the first night he picked me up at the Eagle when he just came over to me after I kept staring at him all night and just said to pull up my shirt so he could look at my abs and then said hes wanting to fuck me and its gonna hurt bad and just turned around and walked out. Anyways he gets in my truck and I hop in and hes driving down to the park we've been at a couple times at night. Its closed after sundown so theirs like nobody and he parks at the liqor store in the back next and we walk in, me like 3 steps behind, trying to keep up cos hes walking fast. Till we get to the spot we've been at before and he turns around and grabs me by the shirt and pushes me against a tree and then just starts laying it on me without saying one word. Just beating the crap out of me and I'm not fighting him. When he lets me finaly go down to the ground he keeps kicking me all over till I wont even flinch anymore and I'm like about right their where I'm about to pass out. But I'm not mad or nothing, I'm just hoping if this is like punishment hes not gonna dump me, and if he didnt beat the crap out of me I'd just be so over. Then he finally stops and he pulls my BDU pants down to my ankles. Hehehe good I didnt put on any underwear :-)

The fuck is just a quick one just so he gets off but I'm like really happy he fucks. Cos I keep thinking even if he thinks I'm a shithead fucking liar he still gets off on me and my ass. When hes done he says the keys are gonna be on the front tire and hes gonna call tomorrow. The he just walks off. I'm fucking done. It hurts a little that he just leaves me their like this, fucked up with my pants on my ankles but hes gonna call so I'm not dumped!!

I'm staying their all alone for a long while cos I'm fucking hurting like shit. Some wild cat comes by like shes all curious. Walking all the way back to his house is TUFF it takes me like 3 hours or so cos I got to stop a bunch of times. Walking with nuts hurting so bad and no underwear hurts.. a LOT! Its only like 3 miles or so but its hard. Since he left the keys he dont want me to come in so I drive home. I got maybe 2 hours left to sleep and of course I oversleep.

Fuck! So I rush to get to work but for once I get really lucky. I'm walking in thinking what I tell my manager now and Noah pulls me inside the front and says dude take these filters and say I sent you to get them cos Shane wouldnt go do it. And like 10 seconds later or less the manager walks in and says where the fuck have you been its like 9:30!!! And I just say what Noah told me and he looks at me and at Noah and says really?? and Noah says yeah, Shane wouldnt go and we got like customers and we're out so I sent Kevin. I think he knew totally their was something fishy but he let it go. I so totally owe Noah. He's a cool guy.

Playing with layout

2008-03-16T23:41:00.005-05:00

OK I'm still dodging the confession about lying and played with the layout. Now theirs an archive on the side that I found I can add. Cos the blog is kind of backwards, newest first and down from their. It would be better if its from the start to the end what I wrote last. Now i got eat some and write more so I get to catch up all the way.

AND.. I just figured out how to edit posts. God i'm real stupid with this stuff sometimes

Their also some POLLS ;-)

Field Phones again

2008-03-16T23:13:00.006-05:00

i cant figure out how to edit a post.

I got first one of those phones, like one wire to one nut and the other wire to the other nut. That was pretty bad cos I wasnt used to how it felt and I pretty much went nuts.

the second time it was much better and I got to shoot a couple loads. But i like the pain from hits more still.

Both phones are real hell though. One wired to one nut and the other phone wired to the other nut, like with both cables each. Somehow I got to cum but then I only passed out fast. Thats like crazy. My bf loved it though.

Now Mitchell is a lot crazier. He got like a generator crank, from China, and thats just messed up. I mean you can as well hook up 110V straight and it wouldnt be worse. I dont know. I got my balls brushed once in the group with 110V after one of the hunts during POW but it was just real short and i was out like that second.

This is the thing Mitchell got, I found it in a catalog. He is just crazy and scary. Every time I got to go to his place I could piss my pants. I did once when I was their and he was in a real foul mood and I could tell. All he does normally is tie me up with legs wide open and arms up and then he pulls till my spine almost pops and then he kicks me in the balls. That all the does, just kick my balls a bunch.

Anyways thats his crank generator:

LOL ok I put those pics up cos I'm scooting around admitting I lied to my bf and thats why I didnt write in my blog so long. I'm gonna take a break and then write more. Got to get through that one.

Field Phones

2008-03-16T23:03:00.003-05:00

so these are the 2 field phones my bf got for my balls. They work with batteries and theirs juice when you lift the receever. thats pretty bad. but when you crank it with the crank on the side, that is supposed to make it ring on the other end, thats like FUCK hurting, 48 volts and a bunch of amps the faster it gets cranked.

Aftermath

2008-03-16T22:56:00.003-05:00

so of course I knew I had to "pay" for Valentines and the great days before. That wasnt the reason though I didnt write for a while, but I got both the field telephones on my nuts for like forever till I thought my balls were fried for good and even the cum I got to shoot was like electric.

And got to be the sandbag for my bf and the punched my guts to jelly and then some.

And had to go to Mitchells, cos he build yet another new machine for his brig and wanted to try it out. I am so fucking scared of Mitchell but I have to go. This was one of the first time he told me to get all naked. Normally I stay in my uniform, or just take the shirt off but keep the BDU pants and boots on. This time he had some thing were I got bent backwards over a machines so I could almost kiss the heels of my feet and the balls were on top for him to work. He is fucking scary. I dont know why my bf let him have me to try it out it dont seem fair.

Work

2008-03-16T22:28:00.003-05:00

Tons of stuff happened at work since Valentines too. After the new guy quit my manager put the guy from the counter in the back. He fucked up things their anyways all the time and been wanting to work in the back again. So then he hired this new guy for the counter like doing the computers and the paper work and help run things. And before the new guy came he got us all together and like gave us the riot act, but that was mostly for Shane the asshole. He said that if anybody (!) made anyone (!) quit again he would fire his ass, like on the spot. He was really worked up about the new guy quitting and he said he doesnt want that again, EVER!! He was looking at Shane most of the time and Shane so totally didnt get it he should of have wiped that stupid grin of his face.

So then the guy shows up. Oh man.... his name is Noah, and he is H-O-T. You can tell he is gay, like really gay. SO he goes around with the manager and says hi to everyone and then he and Shane met. Everyone was like all looking already cos we all knew what was gonna happen the second Shane sees him. I mean gay doesnt go in the shop and Noah is so totally obvius. So Shane says hi and Noah says hi and the manager is already giving Shane the stare like hes warning him and Shane is like all nice but waaay tooo nice. So the second they turn around and walk like 6 feet away Shane says OH FUCK A FAG, and so they heard it and everyone else, too. It was like everyone was waiting for what would happen next. My best bet was either they just keep walking, the manager and Noah, OR my manager was going back and ripping Shane a new one and this time a big one, cos just the day before he read us all the riot act. But fuck, NO! Noah turns around like in a quarter second, and gets into Shane face and says something to him we all couldnt hear, and he's not backing down! LOL dude you could have cut the tension with a knife! I think th emanager was as surprised as we were and everyone was waiting what would happen next, like what Shane would do. Shane got like red in the face, really really red and I thought he was going to hit Noah. Dude that guy doesnt take shit, even from Shane. And Shane? He fucking backs down and says yeah yeah and goes back to work. We were all like damn!!!! Its like nobody could believe it. I'd give my left ear to know what he said to Shane tho! Of course, we all knew this wasnt going to be the end of this, Shane would not let it slide.

But the guy is GOOD. He got like all the mess up front sorted out in a couple days and the manager is like really happy with him. And the customers love him. Even the gay guy thats always coming for nothing and hanging around me doesnt do that anymore. I think now he comes even for lesser shit but hes all drooling over Noah. And the guy is gay. Sometimes he gets dropped of and picked up by a guy and that must be his boyfriend. He comes through the shop a lot, checking up on stuff so he knows whats going on so he can tell the customers. Shane's been trying to get him a couple times, but he fucked himself really bad. One time he blocked Noah in the shop and cussed him out that he didnt want some cocksucker near him, but he was stupid like always. I guess he was waiting for Noah what he would do, and of course nobody was warning Shane cos he's such an ass. Noah was only grinning so Shane said why doesnt he go and sit on something in his ass and not go in the shop and thats when the manager that was standing behind him tipped him on the shoulder and took Shane to the office. We were all grinning and high-fiving each other, cos everyone could hear the manager yell at Shane for like 10 minutes straight. Not cos everyone was for Noah, more like because Shane is such a ass and he so fucking deserves to pay just once for all the shit he pulls. When Shane got back everyone was like looking at him and he just flipped us off.

I wouldnt say that everyone in the shop is like all cool with gay now, not really. When Noah isnt around they all still make jokes about cocksuckers and when Noah is like in a really good mood they say he prolly got it really good up his ass the night before, stuff like that. But their all like all business with him, cos he's really good and we dont have to do things over like before when everything was always a mess. Noah comes by sometimes at my station when its slow for chat and I think he's like trying to find out if I'm gay or what, and he's like teasing me some. Liek the other day when it got warm finally the first day and I could take my shirt off like I always do when its warm, and he came by and said if it doesnt bother me like when gay customers come by and drool over me cos I'm hot. I didnt say anything much but its like he outed himself and I felt bad that I didnt tell him I was gay too and have a bf. But he doesnt see what I see, like how the guys talk behind his back. It's not that their mean or anything its just I know how they really think. To him they are all biz and friendly, I dont think he has any idea that for them hes still a fag and cocksucker. Or he knows and he just doesnt care.

He is really hot tho, and he doesnt take shit from nobody. Even Shane ignores him, like he isnt their and when he has to talk to him he keeps it like real short. I think this time he knows next time hes gone pulling any shit. He even leaves all of us now alone. He almost ran me over the other day, if I hadnt jumped in the last second he would have pinched my legs between a bumper and the wall and prolly broken both my legs. I bet he did it on purpose but it was hard to tell, cos the car did have bad brakes. So I didnt say nothing and Cody who saw it didnt either after he talked to me. I think Shane isnt gonna last much longer. Good riddence!!

I just hope my bf wont get to see Noah. He is sooo totally his type. Thats gonna be a problem. But he comes by my work real rare and never in the office just pulling up to the bays in the back or waiting outside in the car.

finally this is soo past due - Valentines

2008-03-16T19:54:00.004-05:00

yeah right.. "PAST DUE" like it says on some of the mail i get .. anyways. I've been so busy now I can catch up some. Didn't write anything really since the day before Valentines. So I'm just gonna write the big stuff cos I'm not sure if I get all the days right.

So VALENTINES. I figured I was in for something thats like the total oppisite of what everyone else gets. Since the days before were so great and all, I was sure my bf would do something like real mean or hurt me or both. Like paying up for the days before. He called me at work just before it was going home time and said to go home (thats to my place) and dress a little nicer not the slob I usually am. Thats what he said, I dont look like a slob but he's always like that. Like a shirt or so at least. So I go home and put on some cotton pants and a shirt and then he's about their to pick me up. I'm kinda like real curious but I dont fall for it so easy. He does that a lot that he makes me think one thing and then does like totally the other. I figured he was just trying to make me think we're gonna do something nice I have to dress up for and then he beats the crap out of me in some ditch so all my nice cloths get dirty or messed up. But nothing like that. We're going to some real nice restaurant and hes got a reservation for us but first we go to the bar and he orders like Vodka Martinis. He told them to hold the table we were gonna go hang out at the bar first. I thought that was kinda bold cos the place was fucking FULL. Like everybody was going on Valentines. We had like 2 vodka martinis and then he told the hostess chick we're ready and our table was! I was kinda pretty sure now we had to wait but they kept the table open the entire time. I was just thinking what the fuck?? anyways. So we get this real cute waiter, he looked more like he was just 18. He rattles down like all the specials they got for Valentines, and then he says they also got a special for two like a love special cos its Valentines. Like if we were their for that. So my bf says if we look like some fags to him and at first the guy almost faints, like hes so embarrassed but then my bf is laughing and tells him its ok he makes weird jokes sometimes and he orders the "love special". Its like 3 corse with a bottl e of wine and noodles with chicken and some stuff to pick from like a small bufet cos maybe not both like the same stuff. And fucking expensive!! $65 for 2 without the wine. The waiter dude looks totally releeved like he got out of that one. But hes still like totally red in the face, I guess he didnt know how to take that one and hes like SUPER paying attention till we're gone later. My bf is like in a real good mood and hes talking and making jokes and its like really cool.. only I cant help it, it feels to me like this is just upping it and later I get sooo FUCKED UP. This can't be as good as it is looking, theirs got to be something to it. So the dude brings the appetizers and we're like on our 3rd glass of wine, cos their like really busy. Between taking our order and bringing the appetizers he came by like 10 times at Least!! to check on us. My bf has him bring a new bottle, I figured now we're def already over $100. We were anyways with the drinks before. He never spends like this, and its like my stomach is cramping up some cos I'd rather gone like to chinese takeout and maybe have a sweet night and not go out all fancy and get seriously fucked up later, an on valentines. I was feeling all depressed all day anyways. I mean I love my bf and I dig the stuff we do, even if its sometimes a little crazy, but like on a day like Valentines, cant we be a little nice at least and do what all other boyfriends and girlfriends like for the straights do? This feels like it is going to have a real terrible ending. At least for me. But hey.. if thats what he wants, so be it and I make the best of it. I try to kinda check him out and get a read on him but he's not tipping me off AT ALL. He's just in a real good mood, being funny, talking about work and s-u-p-e-r patient when I'm trying to say stuff and cos I'm so nervous I'm studdering even more then normal. I kind of wish the floor would open up and I'd fall in it and it would be all over.

Anyways, he's in noo hurry and enjoying it. With all the wine and the 2 drinks before I'm getting buzzed. It was kinda hard for me to eat some of the appetizers cos my throat is like clogged and I'm not hungry a lot. But with a good buzz going on I'm kind of relaxing and I'm like kinda glad he's getting buzzed some too. Then we get the main entre and I'm like on my 5th glass and he on his 4th, adn the waiter is a little chill now and he and my bf make jokes about if we like our love meal and that shit and it's like really starting to be fun, and I'm not thinking to much about what it all means maybe. I think the waiter is starting to like us, and he's not bringing like the next corse before we finish, like as if the place was empty and they didnt care how long we sit their. When its in fact like totally crowded and kind of loud. Thats nice. I'm like happy my bf has some pull or gets some respect or whatever and we get to have our sweet ass time. So in the middle of the entres (theirs a big heart on the noddles with tomato sauce and the chicken is like on the side and looking like little hearts too) this guy comes up to our table and its like someone my bf knows and theirs like a big hello with them. I've never seen the guy and my bf like introduce us. He is Justin, good looking guy with muscles and maybe 35 ish or so. My bf says I'm Kevin but nothing more really and the guy shakes my hand. He's sitting with us for a bit and the waiter shows up like in 10 seconds after he sits down and brings like a wine glass for him in like 30 seconds more. I really wonder whats going on cos waiters are never like bending over like this. anyways. That kills the 2nd bottle and my bf gets the next. I got a serious buzz going already. So Justin is like all real nice and asks me what I do and maybe its the booze or what but I even get it out fairly straight! So then he asks my bf how come hes never seen me around and that I'm cute, and he is laughiung and says "cute? hes a hot fuck" and they both laugh and Justin wants to know how long weve known each other and he says 2 years about. I totally get it that Justin must know him better cos everyone else would of have said how long we've been together but he said how long known. At first I'm not sure if I should be a little annoyed that I'm just like a hot fuck and not like boyfriend or cool guy or friend or whatever, or if its just his way to say something nice. But I guess cos of all the booze I forget about it fast. And then Justin takes off anyways after hes done with his wine.

Before dessert my bf says we better let this go down first and he orders a double JD for both of us. I'm like beyond a buzz and cloe to be drunk. I dont drink much so it kicks real good. And he says we better not drive and we make the best of it. And then dessert and afterwards we have another double JD and coffee with foam on top. When we're done and with a fat tip for the waiter hes out over 400. Damn!! I know I should get really scared but I'm way to smashed to worry. Outside we catch a cab and drive to my place. He says we stay at my little eficiency and in the morning I'm gonna drive him back to his car before work. As I'm unlocking the door he puts his hand on my neck and it comes all back to me and I expect him to kick me in the back or something and starting to fuck me up - but nothing happens. He says if I got anything to drink before we go crash and all I got is some vodka but nothing to mix it with. So we drink it straight up and sit on the bed cos I dont have a sofa or anything and he lights up 2 cigs, one for him and one for me. And then after a little while he says if I'm wondering if he is gonna fuck me up now, like he can read my mind. I'm not so sure what I should say but I kinda nod cos thats exactly whats on my mind. And he laughs and says dude relax, your getting it but not tonite. And that its fucking Valentines and for once he's gonna do me right. And then he says thats my boy with a big smile and its true I am, cos im kinda releved.

So we're just sitting on the bed sipping on the vodka and smoking and he pulls me over so my head is in his crotch and looks down to me and puts his hand on my stomach and grins. And then it like dawns on me. he is like really gonna be nice. Looking up in his eyes like this and his hand on my stomach feels so good and I get a boner like I am sooooo fucking horny like from 1-60 in 5 secs ;-) He grins and says strip, like real casual and soft. So I get up and strip totally naked and fast and he does too and then he just like tips me in the back and I let myself fall flat on the bed on my stomach. I hear him rip the cover of the rubber and that nasty sound as it flips in his dick and then he's over me and says to put my ass up and then he RAMS it in. No lube and all the way. If he didnt let him fall himself on top of me I would have jumped right off his dick, squealing. I'm a little pissed at myself for squealing but fuck! And he is going, just the way I like it, hard, like he is trying to push his dick all the way up to my brain, or throat fuck me from my ass (thats how I like to imagine it what he's trying always). And he's not hitting me not squeezing my balls to hell, nothing. Only when he puts his hands on my shoulders I flinch for a second but thats all he does so he can put harder and hold me by my shoulders. This is fucking great!!!! I shoot like a huge load after like 10 mins or so and he keeps going. Like 20 mins or so and we slide off the bed some and I', like on my knees and flat over the bed on the side with my head buring in the covers. Then he cums and he cums GOOD. He even stays in my ass for a bit and I can feel him shake and he's massaging my shoulders and my back. This is soooo (!!!) fucking great. Then I feel him go soft a little and he pulls out and gets up to put the rubber away and pour more vodka and light up more cigs. I know this is like a real little thing, but I LOVE it when he lights up cigs for us both and puts it between my lips. I think that is sooo fucking hot. Like what boyfriends do, even if he doesnt mean it and maybe just thinks its cool or what. I could die for those moments.

So we're just on the bed smoking and drinking and he has his hand in my neck kinda massaging it and he is getting a boner again. I do down some and suck his dick and lick his balls and all and he is like rock hard and playing with my neck and the hair on the back of my head, like totally vanilla. Then he pulls me up and says maybe he should write my name again on my arm like before because tonite hes gonna fuck my brains out. And pushes me over and I cant wait for him to get the damn rubber on. Thats when I hate that I'm poz, it would be soo omuch nicer if he didnt have to put those stupid things on. And then it's like a marathon fuck, and hes saying I'm cumming first but of course I cant after I just blew like a huge load but he dont care and keeps fucking. Working my balls too, some, so I tell him even if he wants to be all nice go for my nutz and he does. He has to put his hand over my mouth some because in my little place the walls are like real thin. Its like over an hour and then I pump a huge load out again, and cos he jerks me up when im cumming its all over both pillows and like a big mess all over the bed, and he keeps pumping even harder and then he cums too. He lets me just plop down and then flips me over so I am on my back and he pulls off the rubber and says open up and lets it all run down in my mouth. Like, what all got in my mouth, half is like all over my face. I'm trying to get it with my fingers to lick them and he is like breathing real heavy and sitting on my knees. He only slides over a bit to get the cigs and the lighter and lights up 2 more for us. He says damn this is a mess and it is. Under me I can feel the cum thats still wet from me, and his is all over my face and we're both like sweaty. He says I guess you have to wash the bed anyways and ashes on my belly. Lol so I do too, and it stays cos of the sweat and he starts writing something with it, like ash and sweat. Feels great. I lie flat on my back so i cant read it and try to feel what he is writing but i cant make it out. So I ask him and he says its "bitch" and he needs more ash. This is fucking hot and feels great and even tho I'm like empty, I dont have a drop of cum left in me, I get a boner again. He's done writing bitch on my stomach and starts playing with my nuts. He isnt hitting them or anything, just playing, rolling them around, flicking them some, light slaps just that kind and my boner is fucking throbbing. And he reaches over and gets another rubber but just puts it on my chest and keeps playing with my balls, alittle rougher but not much and slapping my dick a little. I couldnt get any harder then this and put my hands behind my neck cos I know how much he likes how that makes my stomach stretch up. He gets off my knees and I pull my legs up some and open up wide and he sits between my legs, like on his knees and keeps slapping my balls and playing with them. I'm just lying their with my eyes closed and wondering if my dick is gonna burst cos this is so great. Then he leans forward and plays with my nipples but HARD so I yelp and bend up and he is right over me and my arms just fly around and its like I am hugging him. And his face is like 3 inches from mine and he stares me in the eyes. Its like whos gonna flinch first and look away, sort of. I'm holding on to him and he grabs my legs and pulls them up and I am holding. He goes up a little and pulls me up. He is now on his knees and I am almost only on my shoulders and neck and he lets his hands slide up to my ankles and holding my legs. And as he pulls me upI feel his boner right on my balls. The rubber from my chest was sliding off next to my face as he pulls me higher and then I lock my legs behind him and let go with my hands. He is holding for a second and feels me up on my stomach, sort of wiping the 'bitch' off. But it feels fucking great, I sort of came again but I didnt have no cum left just maybe a drop or so. He grabs the rubber and puts it between my teeth to so hold the corner and he rips it open. And puts it on. Since I sort of came I got sift a little but he is rock hard i can feel it between my legs and on my balls. I am like hanging down from his neck by my legs and he is up on his knees so I only lay on my neck and a little on my shoulders. Then he grabs my legs, like at the thighs and tight, and spreds them and shoves it in, and then he bends down but doesnt let go of my thighs so hes almost breaking my back as he starts pumping hard. But since I'm hanging so weird from him its like his dick is drilling right into my prostate and I'm about to go crazy!!! And I know he knows, I bet he can tell cos I'm wailing like a horny whore. But its like he is trying to break my neck and I'm trying to paddle back with my arms so my spine wont break but its more like flopping around with my arms for no good reason. I'm trying to reach the headboard to pull myself up but i cant reach it. He is hitting my prostate hard like hes trying to drill ahole in it and its almost too much. I'm jerkng left and right to get his dick away but I can only move my upper body he got my thighs so tight I cant move my ass around. Its not that it like really hurts its just like my ass is about to explode and my prostate and I'm wanting to cum but I'm so fucking empty! And hes going like he hasnt fucked in a week and its not the 3rd time in a row!! I'm seriously going crazy I can't take it anymore and I'm begging him to go easy but of course he isnt, he just pulls me a little tighter even and fucks harder. My ass feels like its in fever and I can feel my prostate like its growing and growing and about to blow up. I dont feel the pain in my back so much anymore like its gone numb or something and I am going seriously NUTS. Like flashes and my ears pop and I hear myself howl but I dont feel it and I see my dick get hard but I dont feel that also. Its like hes fucking into my prostate and with every push its about to give in more and more till it blows up. Its too much and i feel tears running down my face and I beg and beg him but I dont think is more then weird mumbles that come out of my mouth and I start seeing black clouds with stars and then its like my ass blows up and its like this brightness all around me. I'm CUMMMMING and even though it should have been like dry cum organism, i feel it shoot in my face like he squeezed it out of me somehow their shouldnt have been any. I think I screamed really loud too and then I'm like totally no power and he lets go of my legs and I'm just like hanging all limp from him and he cums too.

then he gets up and I just flop down and cant move. My heart is like racing and I'm wet from sweat and cum and the bed is wet under me from sweat too. My head is spinning and I cant move and I dont want to. I hear him go taking a piss and he smokes one more and I'm about to fall asleep. More like starting to pass out. I'm thinking damn when he says hes going to fuck my brains out he really does it. I'm wasted!!! But I feel fucking great, only its like I got pushed way far, like I'm really going crazy. Or at least sex crazy. It feels weird lying their with my legs spread far, my cum running down from my ribs on one side and I'm too tired to even wipe it. My arms on the side and I dont even want to move them one inch, like I have zero power left in me. And my back hurts like FUCK. I feel him get into the bed but I'm almost out and pull the covers over and flipping me some so we're like spooing and he puts his arm around me and he KISSES ME IN MY NECK!!! I'm in fucking heaven but only maybe 1 minute cos then I'm gone!

I think he may have humped me in the night but I'm not sure. When he wakes me up its day and i have a HUGE hangover. My head hurts real bad. He is still behind me spooning me and talking in my ear but it's like on a radio when the station isnt tuned in right, I hear him talking but its not getting in my brain. He's holding me tight and then its get to me he is saying its getting late we got to go but he isnt moving only his boner is poking in my back. I am thinking you cant be seriously fuck me again now .. and then I'm thinking I'm stupid of course he can and would but he isnt. He gets up but hes only coming around the bed and grabs me by my arm and pulls me out of the bed and then up so I'm on my knees and staring at his boner and he says to open up and wants me to suck. But I'm not too awake yet and sore and have a hangover so I cant get into it too good and suck lousy, I know. I'm trying but my mouth is so dry. He is horny though and he locks his hands behind my neck and throat fucks me, like with no mercy deep down. Since I'm so weak I have serious trouble getting air and he does it on purpose like push in and keep it in and then only pull back a little and real short so I can only get like a little bit of air. Its real fast I get in like real panic and try to push him away but theirs no chance he has his hands locked behind my head and wont let go and I get to buck and suck air like desperite when he pulls out a little. Its like his dick gets bigger in my throat every time he is pushing. With me hangover I'm getting a little dizzy with so little air and I grab his ass for like support and its like his muscles are hard as steel then he lets me get like one deep suck of air but he pushs back in before I can breath out, and then he lets me breath out but not get more air. And then he cums and as he cums he pulls out a little and I try to get air and all his cum gets in my lungs, like I'm even sucking it in! Then he pulls out and lets go of me and the rest of his cum goes all over me and I'm like coughing like CRAZY. I got most of his cum all in my lungs and it hurts and I am coughing and spitting and trying to get air all at the same time. Its taking me at least 10 mins till I am halfway back to normal, curled up on the floor, and he is already out of the shower and says to hurry up, its late.

I slouch in the shower like an old man, I'm so sore and still have to cough and spit some. I am worn out and I have a real bad hangover but after a HOTTTT shower I feel a lot better and good. I keep thinking I'm lucky he knows exactly how to treat me right and what I need. I got like one of those moments as I got in my clothes, like when you know its what you need if its fun or not sometimes. And I know its what I need, his fucks are like worse then the biggest drugs, like addictive. Only with drugs its like your always chasing the big one and it never comes, with him its like you get it only you have to have it over and over again. And I know cos I used to be a junkie real bad. With drugs its like your never satisfied and try over again and you know its still never really gonna happen but you cant stop anyways. With him its like OH MY GOD you get off like crazy and you want it all the time and more, and it dont matter at what cost. Anyway sometimes I get these flashes where I know myself.

So we rush out finally and he makes me stop at a Starbucks first. I'm like real antsy because I'm already late for work. He has like all the time in the world to chat up the chick behind the counter and then wait till some dickhead is finally ready putting his sugar and cream in so he can put his half and half in, and I just want to gogogogo cos I'm so late. Next to the milk and sugar counter is this geek, like about my age with a belly, like fat, and has his laptop on and is talking on the phone. Not just phone cos its like one of those hearing aid blutoth things and hes not just talking but yelling about programming something in flash like being all important and smart. Asshole. We're standing right next to him and hes yelling and it hurts in my head cos of the hangover. My bf is grinning from ear to ear and when we walk out he says if I heard that idiot and him talking about flash and he says that motherfucker has no clue that without the guy standing next to him therir wouldnt be no flash to program. I would have told the idiot but he is like that he would never like show off.

Anyways so I drop him off at his Volvo at the restaurant and the head off to work, and finish 2 bottles of water that i keep in the truck for my hangover. At work I'm running over to my boss to tell him I'm sorry for being late, but hes busy and doesnt want to listen to my studdering and just says its ok dont worry get going. Later i find out Shane been an ass and I missed it (thank hevens) and thats why he didnt care if i was late.

So that was Valentines.

that was just a quick entry

2008-02-28T13:07:00.003-06:00

during my lunch break. I've been sooooo busy. Tonight I should finally get to catch up on everything in the last week and a half

Redneck boys with pants down

2008-02-28T12:40:00.002-06:00

hehe i like this one

i'll catch up more tomorrow

2008-02-22T01:06:00.001-06:00

... like from valentines on. didn't want to lose the links from the vids

see why this hurts

2008-02-22T00:44:00.001-06:00

now think this is in the nuts!

this aint bad

2008-02-22T00:38:00.002-06:00

he wouldnt of have got up so fast if he got really hit

this is still the best one

2008-02-22T00:34:00.003-06:00

its old tho but at least more real for whats like public

painting in arenas sucks of course. we do it in the fields in uniforms and if you get captured you get real tortured like a POW. the guys that get hunted always get captured

damn it worked!!

2008-02-22T00:27:00.003-06:00

wow damn it worked. just took the object stuff from youtube and put it in. this one is much hotter tho. I got shot in the balls painting a bunch. from close it hurts a lot fucking more!!

in the group we only do it in uniforms, on the hunts. for executions its in underwear and tied to a tree

I'm so behind....

2008-02-22T00:26:00.003-06:00

but I'm catching up

heres a video i found. we do all this paintball stuff in the group too

Wednesday

2008-02-14T00:10:00.004-06:00

busy day today and kind of crappy. Its not good for me to stay up so late like last nite writing on my blog. Didnt sleep enough. Work mostly sucked cos when the new guy quit he said its all cos of Shane so the manager is totally pissed at him and so Shane was being the total ass all day. He tired with Cody. He's a nice guy and like real peaceful but today he said to Shane if he wont cut it out hes gonna break his nose or something so Shane left him alone. He tried with me to and tripped me 2 times but the second time when i was falling flat on my face the manager saw it and now Shanes on notice with him. But hes not gonna fire him cos hes one of his best guys in the shop and Shane knows it. Their was a bunch of customers in today so I had tons of stuff to do.

For lunch I didnt go eat anything I was so tired I was sleeping in my truck for a bit. When I got back their was a customer waiting for me. He always wants me to work on his Lexus but not cos I'm like any better its cos hes gay and always come on to me real strong. I dont mind much cos its not like hes tutching me or nothing or hes not like putting me on the spot just kind of weird cos he always makes up shit to get to bring his car in like oil change every 1000 miles and not 3000 or saying he needs a filter, bs like that. Its just weird cos the guys make fun of me thats i got this fag all over me. I feel bad for the guy hes like 35 or so and fat and its kinda sad. I bet he aint got no bf or nothing and all hes got is go to some shop and go gaga over some guy like me and later jack off at home or something like that. But Shane is all over me cos of this guy for the rest of the day talking trash about fags and ass fuckers and all that crap and I got to do some pussy talk cos if I dont and I dont call him a fucking fag around them they might of think I'm ok with a gay customer and that wouldnt be so good. God I hate that.

Someone should break Shanes nose or maybe we should all get together and take him out back one day. Its like everybody is so fucking sick of Shanes fucking atitude. Or fucking kick him in the balls!!

The rest of the afternoon I was thinking about my bf and breaking noses. Last time he broke my nose I loved it. He was so nice after taking me to the ER and I had something from him I could feel like every day and night for a bit. He thought it was stupid to leave the splint on for so long but it looked so hot. I had to look at it in the mirror all the time and jerked off a lot. He didnt say but I think he liked the look too.

Just before closing I was so tired but cos of my thinking about him and that i'm prolly in some for some hell after the last couple days I was in a hurry to get out and over to his house. But then he called just after I got in my truck and he said he was going to have to work something till real late and I shouldnt be coming over. That was a real bummer. I was just sitting in the truck and I was about ready to cry. Its so hard to be away from him all day at work and when hes not wanting to have me over. Totally sucked. What now? I didnt want to go to my place and get like really down all alone. I was a little hungry so I drove all the way over to the Panda chinese takeout. I dont even like chinese much but he does and this is the shop he goes to a lot. Theirs another panda closer to my place but i was wanting to go to his one. When I got their I could see it was kind of full and their were like a lot of black people in line and I wasnt wanting to stand between them so I didnt go in and I wasnt so hungry anymore anyway.

Didn't know what to do and then I was thinking I should ge going to the gym again. Havent been in like over 2 weeks. It really sucked to find the 2 videos from like 6 years ago the other day that some jerk put up. God knows who the fucker is and how he got them but whatever. It sucked cos I used to be so ripped. OK then i was always high on something and never eating much and when i was eating I'd throw up right after so I wouldnt get fat, co sI would of got in a WORLD of trouble if i wasnt looking totally hot.

I still got good muscles and am kinda skinny but I think my bf would fucking LOVE it if I was ripped like that again. I know better what his type is then he does. I cant help im not blonde and dying my hair didnt work for him but i can get ripped again. So I went all the way back up to Addison to the 24hour fitness. My bag was still in the truck from like the last time and kinda stinky but it wasnt like real bad. I did 1 hour of cardio till my legs got all mushy and then I took a break and then like 1 hour and a half of weights till I was so fucking sore and pumped I had a hard time getting off the bench. Stupid I know but I do it everytime like I can make it all happen faster for him. Hit the showers for like a real loooooong and hot one and felt awesome. Like I really did something today for him. In the shower this guy was checking me out like everytime I looked at him he was looking away. What a sucker. And hiding his boner I bet he had one going. At the locker at least he was waiting till i got my boxers on but then he came over and like tried to talk to me. Stupid fucker couldnt even think of nothing to say so he was saying my tatt is real cool and what it is and what the plus sign under it is for. yeah like I was gonna tell some stupid peeping tom that its the group tatt and the plus cos i'm pos so everyone knows whose might gonna fuck me in one of the hunts or torture of POW after. Like he would even get it.

On the way out this chick tried to sell me some powders and juices and was trying to chat me up like she was pretending shes wanting to know how I like the gym and shit b4 she was gonna pull her sale pitch but she took off fast after I choked on 'thanks for asking'. like i'm handicapped. anyway she wasnt gonna wait around and I got rid of her.

Back at my place I hung out where the washers and dryers are to wash the gym stuff and some other stuff and then a nap and now I got to write my blog for the day.

Been checking my mail and messags on gayfighter and everywhere and got one from skidmark and he was writing something about Valentine. thats tomorrow and it made me click. THATS why my bf didnt want me to come over. I bet hes got something planned for tomorrow cos its valentines

HAPPY

2008-02-13T02:32:00.002-06:00

I'm so totally happy and like the luckiest guy in the world! I know theirs gonna be hell to pay, like when hes so great for a couple days in a row, hes gonna put me down hard and putting the hammer down hard. But its so totally worth it!!!!

OK now I go sleep.

Tuesday back at work

2008-02-13T02:18:00.003-06:00

we oversleep totally and have to get cracking so we're not more late then already. At work the new guy quit and Shane is out of people for his shitlist for the day. Hes trying with Cody some and then me but then hes giving up. At least for the day. Its kind of busy anyways.

Just before closing my manager comes up and says hes been wanting to move some stuff around and if I stay late like some of the other guys and help he was gonna pay me for yesterday so I call my bf and he's ok with it. Hey one days pay for 5 hours extra after work thats not a bad deal. Plus we're goofing off a lot anyways cos everyones tired and we dont get why the manager wants the stuff moved now, like in 2 days its all back to the same chaos again. But hey its his money. I'm real tired afterwards anyway so I go to my place thats closer then my bfs and catch up with my blog. Now i'm like really tired but I wanted to get this down cos I think I still forgot a bunch of stuff I was gonna write.

Like about the religion shit my foster dad was into the family i was with at 15. Listening to "The Truth" and hitting me over the head all the time with the Lord's book but then coming almost every night to fuck me. Or that fat lady in the mexican restorant in Huntsville I was gonna write about her too. But i'm too tired now and its like 2:30am and I got to work tomorrow early.

Monday in Huntsville and back

2008-02-13T01:56:00.004-06:00

we wake up in the motel and its allready 9:30 and I just suck him a little and work his balls a little but not a lot cos I dont want to tick him off and I want him to cum good before the cleaning lady shows up and my ass and the rest of my body is feeling so sore I want to skip a fuck this morning. And hes ok with it and cums good and I suck it out to the last drip. Hes giddy to get his stuff done and drops me off at the Starbucks for me to wait cos hes gotta do his stuff and stop by his ex's work to drop off some stuff. I'm getting kinda bored at the Starbucks and walk over to the Whataburger for some brekfast till he gets back finally and we're heading back to Dallas. Hes like in a real good mood cos the car is still running great and hasnt been dying. And >>*I*<< fucking fixed it!! I dont remember if I wrote this here before but he finally let me do it and I figurd it out I think. So were going back and were not like talking much and I keep thinking this was like a great weekend with a roadtrip and so fucking awesome I wonder whats this gonna mean, like whats the price i'm gonna have to pay. I was trying to sort of kinda buy my way out and like trying to say if hes wanting to use that field phone on my nuts again its ok by me, like hes gonna ask me anyways, but I fugure if I say it then maybe its not gonna be so bad. I was just going berserk before just cos I didnt know what he was up to with it before and it just so fucking hurt. But I didnt really get to say it and then we're back in Dallas and hes tired from all the driving so I dont get to say nothing and I just wait and see what happens.

Hes got to do some stuff and at first I was gonna maybe write my blog but then hes wanting to watch his TV and I'm like so worn out I just sit next to him and pretend I watch too. When I go for a piss and come back in the living room I walk by the couch hes lying on and he kicks me square in the nuts cos I wasnt even looking and gets me really good. He so fucking loves it to rack me when I dont see it coming and he got me really good this time. I'm down on the floor for like a long time, retching and thinking if he broke my balls.

Later we go to bed and I'm thinking now hes gonna let me have it and I'm not feeling like it, my balls still hurt like fuck just from that one kick. That was one fucking RACK 10 out of 10. But he's not doing nothing just pulls me tight and goes to sleep.

BBQ and Camping and ROAD TRIP Sunday

2008-02-13T01:07:00.004-06:00

god!! theirs so much to tell and i'm afraid I forget a lot if i dont wreite it up now. I'm not even half thru. I'm so tired I could fall over and sleep right now.

So, Saturday. Its like evening and he's still not back from whatever he was gonna do all and I'm talking to my friend hawkeye up in canada online, like in Yahoo messenger. We're talking about Brad and why's hes never on and all and finally my bf calls and says hey we're doing a BBQ with the group and makes me write down all the stuff im supposed to get. So first I got to go to my place for my uniform cos I dont have everything with me and my sleeping bag. Then get beer, some lighter fluid, couple more steaks just in case, cigs for him, and a load of other stuff. I'm never so hot to do anything with the group, but it's not like I got a choise. I'm just so glad my bf is now my CO and not Mitchell anymore cos that sucked bad ass. As I'm getting my uniform and then run around to get all the stuff and not forget anything, cos its way out and I cant go back to get anything I missed, I keep thinking I hope I'm not getting set up on anything. All the time with the group, someone is getting fucked up and I'm kind of tired its me a lot. I wish I could of just gone back to bed, I'm soo tired I almost stumble over my own feed at the licor store and drop like one of the 24packs.

Finally I get their. I always fell asleep 2 or 3 times driving cos nobody else is going out their so late on a Saturday nite so its all dark on the road and I;'m so worn out and tired. On the way I pulled over at some gas station for some coffee to keep me awake but its been sitting their forever and always makes me puke but its so bitter it gets me more awake. Theirs only one lady at the station for like everything and first I'm thinking if she not scared all by herself but then shes so ugly whats gonna happen to her hehe. Anyways. So I get out their and first guy I see is this crazy dude Bryce from Waco and I think oh fucking shit their up to something. But its nothing, just the CO from Waco with his guys and Mitchell and some of the other guys and their like all in a good mood and theive gone thu a bunch of beer before I got their. Its all cool theyve been waiting for me, like all the stuff I was bringing along. Its just like a big BBQ. I finally find my bf, he looks so fucking hot in his uniform I get a boner again and stick with him. Its safer staying close. But I'm all worried for nothing everyones in a good mood and their all just hanging out and making jokes and stuff. Plus I'm really getting hungry, hadnt eat anything all day. I was going to stick with coke or soda but theirs only beer and licor. I'm not touching no licor cos then my bf gets all pissy easy cos he always thinks I get drunk and the next thing is I'm back on drugs again but thats BS cos Ive been clean over 3 years. He drinks some, but I've only seen him drunk like 3 or 4 times or so.

Everyone is just having a good time and then me and my bf crash in my pickup bed in our sleeping bags. I'm still a little nervus deep down cos hes def had a bunch of beers and I'm like thinking when hes asleep some of the other guys might of just come get me later for some fun. I'm trying to get really close to him and his sleeping bag. But nothing happens, everything goes quiet after a while and then I'm gone and I wake up the next morning and nothing happened.

Most everyone else is already up and its nice and warm and the sun is out and their making eggs on the fire and the Mitchell (!!) even makes me a ommelet. Wow this is real nice. later like 11 or noon everyone heads out and us too and we stop back in Dallas to get my bfs Volvo hes left their and go back to his place and shower and clean up.

Then he says hes still not heard from his ex so their prolly still fighting (his ex and the exs bf) and hes still needing to go to the office hes got to go to Monday so he says if I want I could come along. wooho!! ROAD TRIP!! So I call my manager on his cell and leave a message if hes ok with me not working Monday and I only go if he calls back and says its ok. Like 20 mins later he calls and says like go for it and so like 5ish we head out down I45.

This is like totally great!!! I'm sooo happy. Best weekend in a long time. Oh and my bfs Volvo is running just fine. Aint dying or nothing. I can see him twitch everythime the engine jerks but its him but hes not getting it. I'm wondering if I should tell him but then I dont dare really but then I just cant not tell him and the next time he does it I say hes got a nervus gas foot its him and when hes letting off the gas the turbo cuts out like its supposed to and its all normal. Deep down I'm kinda sweating it if the car is gonna die again or not but it aint.

So we're listening to his music and theirs like this totally hot track, like awesome fuck music. Its like over 45 mins and I cant help but I say its awesome for fucking. Hes just grinning and not saying anything. I cant help it but i'm getting a bit antsy and horny cos it like really sounds great. I gess he got it cos he just put his hand over, like casual and of course he felt my boner. OK I had a raging boner cos I was thinking the entire time the track is on how hes gonna fuck me to the sound track. So he just starts jerking me off through my jeans and we're going like at 70 down the freeway. I'm so fucking horned up I keep my hands behind my neck and let him jerk me but it was taking like maybe 5 minutes and I shot a big load ;-) Funny its just a hand job but it's like making me cramp up and I'm cumming and cumming. He's just like pretending nothing much happened.

I'm kinda dozing off and we get to Huntsville and check in some motel, a Days Inn. We're both hungry and theirs a mexican place right next door, this is like right on the access road to I45. Even for Sunday night its totally empty for 8pm and I'm hungry and tired. So hes getting us margaritas and this waiter john is laying the redneck countryboy thing on us, like saying yes sir to everything to him. I was gonna try and order but I see waiter John like all over my bf, like hes gonna fool me, and I cant get one word out right. So my bf says if I'd like the same as him. Hes so good not to make me look stupid when I cant get it out right. It takes like forever to get the food so we go through another turn of the blue margaritas and we talk about that waiter dude. Just for kicks. I saw how the guy was all over my bf but like so like he wasnt but I knew. But my bf says like the way hes wearing his jeans like low and like the countryboy think hes prolly a boring fuck. Not getting laid much so he'd prolly think hes getting some making out and like forever to get to the fuck and then it wont even be good and for 20 hes not even all that hot just like s skinny dude that sucks in bed. Its awesome my bf always sees like all the little things. So in the end he tips the dude like real good and I ask him what the fuck? And my bf says the kid is a poor sucker, not gettin any decent and now hes gonna be disapointed not to get fucked my him my bf so at least he could make his day a little with a big tip and we should both be sad for him. I swear I never ever totally figur my bf out!

So we walk back to the motel and watch some shows of law and order that he likes and i blow him some but then were just like tired from all the driving and late last night ang do sleep

Saturday Afternoon

2008-02-13T00:19:00.004-06:00

when he woke me coming back I was still in bed and waking up when he slammed the door. I wasnt like sleeping real deep just dozing and not wanting to get out of bed so he came looking for me and he saw I was still in bed. I knew I had to get up cos he was going south to the ranch to visit his ex and stay till Monday to go to some gov office. But he said his ex called and their having trouble at home, like him and his bf fighting so he shouldnt come and so he got naked and said we could do something else so what. I was still like lazy and feeling nice, but he had a raging boner going so he was wanting to fuck again. I had been thinking some for like something that good like in the morning I was going to have to pay sooner or later but hey its sooo worth it. If it was up to me I was more in a mood to cuddle and not get off the good trip but hey its not about me its about him to get off good.

So he tied my nuts off with some rope and ran it back to the hinge on the door and then got over me and pulled me up till my balls were like TIGHT and yanked back as far as they'd go, and I tried hard not to put up a show. My tong still hurt a little from biting before. Then he put his arm around my neck and locked his other arm so it made like a choke hold and he pulled me up slowly so it tightened the choke and at the same time pulled more on my nuts as he was bending my back up. I thought hes either going to break my back or rip my nuts off but he did it like real slow and as I was trying to get air I felt his boner in my back. Then he let me go and I fell down and was like coughing to catch air and he pulled my ass open some with his hands and rammed his dick in. He just rammed it in and then pushed me up till the rope was really pulling on my balls like crazy and then grabbed my shoulders and started fucking HARD and always pulling me up by my shoulders some, so that every time he rammed it in the rope ripped on my balls! I got so tense from the pain he had to push hard with his dick cos I was clenching my ass, not on purpose just cos it hurt so intense. At first he was really going hard and even though I tried to hold it in and not make a peep, I didnt hold up so good and after just a bit it hurt so bad I started to cry. I figured ok now I got to pay, couldnt have been so good earlier and not having to pay for it. I know this is what really gets him off when he really hurts me. He put his hands under my jaw and pulled me up and he saw I was crying and just from pulling me up backwards it ripped even more on my balls and I couldnt help it I made sort of a shriek. I hated myself for that but their was nothing I could do not to, and I knew from here on he would really let me have it for him to totally get off.

But he didnt, he just held me their like this for a second, like totally still, holding on with the fucking, like we're like totally in suspense. I was sweating like a pig from all the pain, my balls puckered like crazy like having my guts in a tight grip and twirling them around and shooting crazy later messages up my spine saying WERE GETTING FUCKED UP DUDE. Seemed like we're like this forever, just like that, no moves. Of course was for real just short, but thats just how it felt like. And then he keeps me held up like that, and goes like on with the fucking just real slow. It hurts like FUUUUUUCK but it suddenly feels so fucking hot I want him to hurt me like whatever he wants. Seems my head is sweating the most. I was sweating before but now its like I'm like sweating in 130 heat, and its dripping from my hair in my face and running down from my head in my neck and down my back. He keeps fucking me real slow, just harder when hes pushing but just a little, and keeping me like totally bent up and the rope on my balls tight. I feel so OWNED and its like I want to be owned and let him do what-ever! I feel the sweat run everywhere and I feel my tears are still running but it's not like I'm crying or balling anymore I just cant stop the tears running. But I dont want him to stop I know this is really good for him, and he's just keeping me right on the edge where its hurting like fuck but hes not really fucking me over like I KNOW hes wanting to BAD to blow a huge load. But he just keeps going slow, like holding me right their on the edge, and I know if he's pushing me like just alittle more I'm so gonna hurt for at least a week and go berserk but he isnt, just keeping me right their and going and going with the slow fuck. Its like this weird thing it hurts but it feels awesome and I know like ANY second I could be in HELL or blow a load of my LIFE if he just keeps me their on the edge and going like this. Its weird cos I dont want him to let off and I dont want him to gp over the edge and wish he just lets me cum. And then I can still think right then that second if he really lets me cum great and not make me go through PAIN HELL, I am sooooo going to pay the price later, so whats better or worse, now or later? But of course I want to cum awesome now if he lets me and worry about how he is gonna make me pay for it later.

Its really weird what you think sometimes even when your like THIS short of going thru HELL or getting to cum like crazy.

It was like he was keeping me like right on the edge FOREVER till I couldnt stand it anymore and till I couldnt even sweat anymore. And it was like he knew exactly when I was going to cum, cos the second I started cumming all over the place, I mean like I was spreading it all out over the bed, he pushed his dick in my HARD to it felt like my balls were goners and the pain flashed my brain so bad I saw red and yellow stars exploding in my eyes but I was cumming even more and he did too. I could feel it even with the rubber and he was holding me real tight. Then we both just lied their and it felt GREAT!! my balls hurt like fuck but it was a good hurt like slowing down. I had like no power and the bed was like wet from sweat and cum but we both didnt care like it took too much energy to get up. I still had the rope on my balls but it wasnt pulling anymore and I didnt bother to get it off. Kind of felt good actually.

We lied their for a while. I was ready to sleep some more but I didnt, and he didnt say nothing and me not anyways. After a long while he got up and went to shower and then off for some errands. Took me a long time to get some power up to crawl out of bed and shower, cos I was stinking like a skunk. And change the sheets and all that. He stayed away a long time, but I was so worn out I really didnt mind too much. Then I got bored a little and played some games and going online and chatted some and he still wasnt back.

Saturday Morning

2008-02-12T23:12:00.003-06:00

I didnt have to work but he did so if he wouldn't kick me out when he had to leave I could sleep in some. I woke up before him and I cuddled up with the pillow and was just looking at him. The sun was coming up, it was still kind of a little dark, like dawn. I was thinking I'm so damn lucky and hes so hot. I was looking at all his tatts and getting really really horny. First I was thinking I just chance it and jerk off but if he wakes up and I get caught that be trouble. I was wanting to touch him, like just touch or massage a little so I wouldnt wake him up but then if he woke up theirs no way telling what was gonna do. Sometimes he likes it and its cool, sometimes he isnt and then he just hits me and I wasnt in a mood for getting hit right their. So I was just diving under the covers and blowing his morning wood and it didnt take no 5 minutes for him to wake up. But it was all cool he just grabbed my neck and let me and I was going easy so he wouldnt like blow his load or anything, just feelgood for waking up. He put his hand from my neck to my ear and pulled me up, not like when he jerks me just pulled me up and he said if I was looking to get fucked or what? I didnt think I should say YEAH!! cos when I want he never does it but he wasnt like that this morning, just kinda grinning and saying if I still had any brains he could fuck out. I sort of got excited when he's like that its def not gonna be bad so I plopped back and spread my legs wide cos I figured he would go and smash my balls some to get real horned up to fuck but he didnt. He just played with them some to make me flinch some and then he grabbed them in like a tight grip and squeezed but in a good way so that it hurt, and I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed and he let me. It felt so hot to feel his muscles. The more I was squeezing him, the more he was going for it on my balls. I KNOW how it is working for him to hurt balls and I was so fucking horny I wanted like a real good fuck if i could like make that happen. So I like swore I wouldnt make no sound and I bit my tong so hard it tasted a little like blood and squeezed the fucking hell out of his shoulder and he did the same to my balls, like more. And twisting around and arching up some and not making a PEEP he was pushing his leg under my ass everytime I was bending up some. Till I was like lying over his leg and when I looked up my dick was raging hard sticking out like a flag pole hehe. Then he let go of my balls and I was breathing hard for a sec, cos biting my tong and holding my breath not to make a peep I had to get some air. Then he like rolled me off and over from his leg on my stomach. I was like have buried in the warm pillow and it was kinda cozy and the pain from my balls was like rolling up my belly, and it hurt a little to lie on my boner so I pushed up my ass a little to make some room. I heard him rip the plastic cover for the rubber (trust me I can hear that from 20 feet away hehe) and got over me, grabbed my wrists, and I could feel his dick getting in position at my hole. Its only like a couple seconds but that is SOOO hot like just before he is tearing me up and it's still like making me shake and all. And then he rammed it in all the way like he always does. I dont like it anyways when I'm with a guy and he messes around forever like 1 or 2 fingers to losen me up or crap, get to fucking FUCK! He's not like that at ALL, he wants it to hurt and fuck me like a bitch! And after all the times hes fucked me its still the same it makes me go all tense and it hurts but like in a really really good way. I wish I kept track of like how often hes fucked me it's got to be like 800 or 900 times or so, like about 2 years with 365 days and 3 times a day ballparkish. But ever since I had got this score going with this guy years ago and we were both like in this guys stable and working for him and he caught us doing the score thing, and totally went off the deep end like we were trying to get him in trouble and made us pay for every single mark of every single fuck we did, I wouldn't even think of keeping score anymore. We didnt even think nothing of it we just kept score you got fucked more. Anyways. I got fucked soooo good, he rammed in and pulled back slow and was going on and on and on till I was like squealing it felt so fucking awesome it was like I couldnt take it any longer or lose my mind!!! Like the time when he wrote my name on my arm in like big letters so I would remember my name after he fucked my brains out and I thought he was kidding but later I was so out of it when he was done I was glad he did it. He's go so cool ideas sometimes ;-)

When he got me squealing he said thats what LUST is and he was starting to talk foreign and I knew we're going for the finish line. He didnt let go of my wrists the entire time and he started fucking so hard it was getting like rape and my stomach started feeling funny like when your starting to feel sick but I totally didnt care. I wanted to cum soo bad but I didnt want to til he did but it was like he was in control and then I couldnt hold out any longer and I started cumming and cumming like I couldnt stop and then he did and he was making like this roar what he does when hes really cumming good. The for a moment it was like I was totally limp and just hanging with my ass on his dick like on a hook. I had like way no power in me left, like NO energy, totally pumped out.

He had to get going, like in a rush not to be late, and i was afraid he was gonna kick me out cos I forgot he was gonna go visit his ex the weekend but he was still like grinning from one ear to the other and saying he had to come back first after work anyways at noon so if I wanted I could hang around till then. If I wanted??? I would of have begged him too!! After he was gone I just stayed in bed, I didnt even have the energy to get up and I didnt really want to anyways. The bed smells like him so nice and I felt so GREAT and I was like fading out in like 10 mins after he was gone till he got back and woke me at like 2ish.

Saturday early, like in the middle of the night

2008-02-12T22:56:00.003-06:00

catching up again. Its Tuesday late and I'm tired but I'll do my best. I try to write sooner so I wont forget nothing but theirs so little time. The weekend was so awesome thou I have to write it all up.

Friday nite I finally went to bed and he was still working on something. I was soo ready to crash I didnt want to hang around longer sometimes he works so late anyway. So I crashed and I was DEAD asleep, I mean I was gone! I woke up cos I sort of had a nightmare, I get those sometimes. i was dreaming about the foster dad in the family I was with when I was 15, he would come int he middle of the night when everyone was sleeping like 3am to fuck my ass and he wouldnt wake me first. Always when I woke up he was already humping me. Back then I always had real nightmares even if he didnt came, cos I was scared to go asleep. Lucky I wasnt their too long, cos I got in real trouble and had to go back to jive a couple months so that was over.

Anyways I wasnt really having a nightmare like I thought, it was my bf. He came to bed and he was horny so he just started fucking me and I was waking up and just for a couple moments I thought I was 15 and same all over again and I kind of got a little panic but then I woke up some more and clicked that it was him and it was ok. Didnt take too long he just wanted to get off and I didnt like really totally wake up and it felt good he good off good and then after he put his arm around me and he went to sleep and me too. Felt real good.

His Jeans

2008-02-09T00:22:00.001-06:00

I forgot, he took the pic I've been wanting, his jeans. Guess he does feel a little bad so he did something special for me

Wish jeans would stack up this good with me on my legs. I get a boner just looking at his 501's but its better if I wear them hehe

So, today, Friday

2008-02-08T23:31:00.001-06:00

He woke me up for the second time and says if I don't have the doc appointment today and I'm late. I don't want to get up, I'm WORN OUT. But I dont need to get hit now so I somehow get up and out and to the bathroom. I am fucking late, I got to hurry. I feel sick and in the bathroom I go down before the pot and want it to get over with but all that comes out is some green stuff and just stings my throat. The shower I turn on the hot only, it burns like hell but it helps some. After a couple minutes I have to turn on a little cold or I get really burned. I dont know, sometimes I like hurting myself a little. My legs are still kind of wobbly and my ass hurts like hell. Its hard to stand up straight cos my balls feel like their handing from barb wire and every little move I make makes them spin. The hot water helps with my muscles tho, and I dont feel so sore when I get out. But I got to hurry I cant be late.

On the way my truck is acting up some. My truck is really cool and I put a lot of work in it but some days she is like she doesnt want to go and the carbs spit back. After 2 miles or so shes running ok tho. I really dont need her fighting me today.

I make it like 1 minute in time for the doc. Its like one of the worst things, it always shakes me when I have to go for checks and all the blood test, cos it reminds me being poz. The cute guy he has for the front desk gave me this weird look when I check in. He's such a fag, you know the type who is like dressed up and all faggy like a girl. I bet the doc nails him or he wouldnt have the job. Way back when I was a junkie he used to nail me all the time and he's one kinky motherfucker. In the office hes putting up this act of like being the good doc and tells me not to mess around and how I'm doing and all that crap, like he's a diff person. But since I found out I'm poz be's being real nice to me, and safe from him wanting nothing from me anymore. When I get in, he says I look like shit what the hell have I been doing. At least he says it like he means it and not like being a smart ass. Sometimes it helps I studder so I dont even have to try anything stupid to give him some lame story.

Today I just want it to get over with, and after hes done with pulling all the blood and everything he finally lets me go. No I just have to wait till next Friday to see if anything changed since last time and if I have to go on meds or something. I so hope I dont. The waiting a week sucks. Why can't they do this faster??

After I'm done I stop at McD's and pig out. I like never do that anymore but it's like only after I've been to the doc I do it for protest, like I'm really showing him. I know its bullshit cos he wont even know, but hey. Today I didnt even get finished half with the burger and maybe 4 fries and I feel I'm really going to be sick. I almost didnt make it to the pot at McD and I lose it hard, like almost splatters. Sorry this is a bit gross. Weird but I feel a lot better, just so weak. I wish I cold have another hot shower right now.

More or less I drag myself back out to my truck, its still hard to stand and walk, cos of my balls. My manager knows I'm at the doc, so I'm not really in no hurry to get to work and sit in my truck for a long while till I feel a little better.

Just before lunch I get their and my manager runs into me in the parking lot and gives me this look. Back when I started the job almost 5 years ago and was always late and missed work a lot cos I was so hi all the time, he kinda helped me out a lot and didn't fire me. If I was him, I would have fired me, a LOT! But he didnt. Toda he gave me this look again like ohoh somethings wrong whatsup, but he didnt say nothing, only that I looked like I was ready for lunch and if I wanted to go with him, was lunch time anyways. I can't really say no, its not like a lot that he asks, maybe every other month once. It's nice tho, we went to this diner and it smelled really good in their and I was really hungry and didnt feel like I was going to feel sick again. And he's like all nice, like this fatherly kind of attitude, if I'm allright and how the doc stuff went, all that. I bet he noticed I had a little trouble walking and all, but he didnt say anything, and I just said I got sick a little last night and all is ok. Seemed like he bought it.

Back at work I got kind of lucky. Shane got in a fight with someone when I was still at the docs, and everyone was like tense and just doing their own shit. My manager didnt say anything about it earlier at lunch, but after I got back it seemed like it was a big thing. Anyway so nobody bothered me and it was kind of slow, so I didnt have to hurry and deal with the pain from my balls slow. Cody said something about me when he came by once, if I got together with that married woman again and if she used me up or what. I didnt say anything. Thats a thing I made up once when they guys were bugging the hell out of me about a black eye and me hurting really bad, and I can't always tell them I got jumped or got in a fight, I dont have the kind of badass attitude to pull it off so they believe it. So I came up with this married woman, and I said she's like older and into real kinky stuff but like a real hot bitch to fuck. I cant believe they buy this crap but it works and they never even think I take it up the ass and like it. Breeders can really be that dumb. I bet Cody doesnt even know what kinky is, hehe. He's got 3 kids so he and his wife must of had sex somehow. Like Shane, tho, I bet he knows all about kink and I can think he likes pain stuff too but no crazy bitch would be with him for too long. He goes thru girlfriends fast, but I can think half of them he makes up. The other ones are real and I bet he drags them to work just to show off. He's something else.

After work I drove right over to my bfs house. He didnt call me first and I didnt call him but he came like 5 minutes after I got their, and he wasnt surprised. Like hes ever surprised by anything. I wanted him to see how I was still hurting, and I guess he felt a little bad for me. He took me out for dinner, and it was NICE. Most times I love being out with him, cos it makes me feel good for people to see what a hot guy I have. Of course they dont know anything, just 2 guys out to eat. But I dont care. Today it also felt like i could show off how much I suffer for him and how much I'm his bitch. Is stupid cos nobody knows but it makes me feel good. He said he quit his cover job today, got too annoying, and hes starting another one at a diff place and they even pay him more. LOL he is a piece of work... he said it like he told he changed shirts today. Just like that.

Back at his place hes been working all evening on something hacking away at his techie stuff. I felt bad for not doing my blog, cos I was wanting to keep it up but this week was just kind of crazy. I a about ready to crash, feel like I've been put thru the hoops. He is prolly gonna work late, I dont mind I can sleep some.

THURSDAY!!!

2008-02-08T21:52:00.002-06:00

Thursday started really good. I was late 5 minutes for work but as I got in, the manager was ripping Shane a second one, and like so everyone saw it. I missed the first part but I guess he pissed off some customer and the customer came back at opening and fucked with the manager and now Shane got it. Serves him right. At least till noon Shane is gonna steam by himself and someone's gonna get it later on when he blows.

Then his one lady comes and she always wants me to work on her car so thats all good and she always tips me like $20 when my manager isnt looking. I can't figure her out but whatever, nobody else ever gives me a 20 just like that.

At lunch I dont even go eat, just lie on my truck and when my bf calls like I thought he would, I tell him I didnt even go to lunch and he says good and see you later and hangs up. So I'm good to go after work tonight, and if hes planning something, I am sooo gonna get fucked, only theirs prolly a high price I got to pay. but hey, whatever. SO I'm like in a really good mood for the rest of the day, and even when Shane finally cracked and vented off, didnt get to me at all. He was about to go after the new guy but just then the manager walked in the back and he kicked the wall instead and really hurt himself. He can be a real ass but also real stupid sometimes.

So after work I shower real good and get clean in and out and lose no time to go to my bf's house. He's already home so I dont have to wait for him, and I can tell he's so def horny :-) At home he always just wears sweat pants or his adidas trainers and never a shirt unless its like really cold and I can see his boner going already. So I already know he's got something planned out, nothing much that can go wrong now. Finally ... I havent got a fuck Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday.

But he's all nice, he isnt just jumping me and beating the crap out of me or anything. Hes giving me a bottle of water and says to drink it and we go smoke a little on the patio and hes just asking how my day was and all. I'm getting a little suspicius, what the heck is he up to now? Thats the hot thing about him, hes tuff and always up to no good but like even after almost 2 years I can never tell with him whats gonna happen next. Hes like always toying with me. God, when we're just standing around like this and I look at him, I get weak knees. He has like so no idea how much I am in love with him and how much I crave him using me and doing whatever that gets him off. And he always likes plays it cool like I'm just some shithead fucker he is using when hes like feeling like it, or be nice to when hes in the mood, or beat the fuck up if hes in a real crappy mood. But like if I was gone it wouldn't matter for him. Always breaks my heart even tho I know its not like that and he's just doing his attitude thing but it still hurts like fuck. And that hurt is a lot lot worse then the worst pain he makes me suffer thru beating me up and punching my balls or whatever.

Anyway so we just hang out in the patio and I finally finish the water and he goes back in and I after him, and he heads back to the bedroom and like asks me if I need to go piss or anything. I do just in case. Hes already waiting for me when I get to the bedroom and has this grin but his eyes are like cold. Ice cold. I'm looking around a little but like so it doesn't look like I'm looking around to see if hes got anything out and I def have the feeling I'm gonna get hurt, and BAD. Then he says hey I'm in a really kinky mood and I want to try something and he makes it sound like hes telling me I have a way out. That makes me like really nauseus, cos I know this is not a good sign. And when he says it like that its like hes having like a little of a bad consciense but he knows and I knows theirs no way I can back out anyways and I don't want to anyways cos I know hes not gonna like it if he doesnt get to do whatever he's got planned. But when hes like that I get the chills and scared. Every time he gets like one of his really sadistic streaks, it gets me the best fucks in the end, ever, but its like I got to pay such a high price its always like I ask myself if its worth it. So I stand their like a dumbass and I'm scared about what the price is gonna be this time but he is set to go and doesnt want to mess around so he tells me to strip. I do, and not like normal when I rip my shit off when he tells me to get naked, I got like the butterflies going in my stomach and my guts all cramped up and its like my balls already start hurting a little, like they know also whats coming to them. And when I'm all naked and stand up, he looks down at my dick and grins some more, cos its like my dick knows this is not gonna be fun for a long time and is not wanting to be a boner. And he tips me a little so I lie down on the bed and I do, on my back and spread my legs. I figure he's going to want me to spread them to take a bunch of ball punchs like he loves it most. But he isnt and takes his sweet ass time to tie me up, arms and legs spred to the corners and real tight so I cant move much. Now I know this is going to be really bad, cos he rarely takes time like this, even tho I really like to get tied up, for him its mostly like too much trouble, maybe cuffs cos their quick and easy. So then he's got me all tied up and looks at me and I get a little panicky but of course I try not to show it and try to work up a boner but no chance. I know him too good, this is gonna be bad, and not in a fun way bad. I just wonder what he is up to, punching my balls even the crazy times, for that he wouldn't tie me up like this, just cuff my hands to the chain and padlock around my neck or so, so I cant try to protect my balls when I break down. This is gonna be different, and for sure not easier.

And then he gets some duct tape and first puts a strip over my mouth and then wraps 2 layers over it and around my head. I'm getting really shitscared now cos this is like rare. I think its only been 2 times in almost 2 years hes done that, so he's thinking I'm gonna try to scream the place down. Oh-oh. OK now I know I am FUCKED and its like its coming over me that he is going to really really hurt me bad and its also coming over me it means I get my brains fucked out, and FOR SURE!! This crazy stuff always turns him on like nothing else and when hes turned on like nothing else he isnt fucking, he's raping. Theirs two GOOD ways he fucks: when hes turned on like crazy, and when hes wanting it to be good for me, and then he fucks like GOD. I got fucked by a lot of guys in my life but nobody fucks like him when hes wanting it to be good. I kind of live for those fucks, and the ones in between are like the buildup to the next. But for both ways I have to pay for it, and a lot. Hes either gonna hurt me really bad or hes having a real bad consciense to make up for when hes thinking he was like really to mean to me.

So I know I'm sooo FUCKED and I know I'm gonna get one of his God fucks later for it, and so even tho I'm scared shitless, I spring a boner like bang! I know its kind of weird I get so scared, cos I get off on pain and all, but even tho I dig the pain and the way it feels, I'm not like some superhero and it fucking hurts, a lot. And he knows really mean ways to make it hurt, and he never stops cos he gets off on it the more it really gets to me.

Hes got me all tied up and ducttaped and looks me over and grins and then he makes a fist and shows it to me and slams it just once in my balls. Stings, hard, but one I can take and not make a wimp. And then he goes and gets those 2 old german army field telephones from like 1962 he got shipped like 2 weeks ago. I was wondering why he got those, I figured make for some stuff in the group next time we're out for some field trip or something. I didnt really think much about it but it kinda dawns on me now what their for. He puts wires on the 2 poles of one of them and the other end is like blank with no insulation and he is wrapping each end around one of my nuts and then puts more duct tape around each ball, like if for insulation so the 2 wires wont touch. Then he just grins again and says here's like a bit of training on field phones. They work just by picking up the receiver, cos they have batteries in them. And he picks up the receiver of the one hes hooked up to my balls, and I jump like 10 inches up with my ass: theirs a lot of juice in that thing!!! Wow that was a jolt, and it cuts my breath for a second. Its kind of hard to breath thru the nose anyways, cos my mouth is taped shut like really good. The he says but if you just lift the receiver, the other end doesnt know someones on the line so you got to ring them, and he lifts the phone some so I can see better and theirs this handle on the side to fold out, and he says one just needs to crank it and it makes the other phone ring.

And so he cranks it a little and I go totally BESERK!!! I'be had tons of electro on my nuts, hes even used a stungun on my balls before but this is nothing like it. Its like they turn cold metal and get in a grinder and the balls shoot out flash pain that I can feel in my fingers and it makes my mouth taste like metal, like when you hold a battery to your tong. I cant believe he's gonna use this stuff on me, and he hasnt even started really.

So he is getting started to work that crank and since I can see the clock on the side of the bed, its only been like 10 mins after he got going to when he stops for now. It feels like its been an hour and im wet with sweat, almost chewd through the ducttape, crying and in my mind begging him to no go again, I mean he must be really horny by now.. but I know him a lot better then that he would never let me get off this easy. And of course he didnt. THIS is the kind of stuff that gets him really off and he sometimes says I should he glad he isnt in that mood like every other day.

After like over 3 more hours I guess his arm got lame from the cranking, cos he pulled the wires out of that thing. Not that I cared about nothing anymore I was out of my fucking mind. This bad I haven't hurt in a loooong time, I'm a fucking mess and like way beyond anything where them endorphens could do anything for me. Absolutely everything is hurting in my body, my balls the worst of course and everything their attached to, but all my muscles and stuff too from the jerking around like crazy and flopping from the pain. The last 2 hours Ive only been wishing to pass out so it was over but he'd always go a little slower like he could tell when I was close to goin out. I'm like worn and a mess, if he'd stomped my balls I bet I wouldnt even have flinched anymore, their was like no power left in me for whatever. I heard this pinging noise in my ears, like sonar and like in sync with the pain in a pulse from my balls. And I wanted to cry or wail just cos it would feel like letting some of the pain out somehow but I just couldnt, I couldnt like even move. God he knows how to fuck me over really good. So then he untied me and ripped the tape off but I lie their like the same cos I couldnt even move and he sits on my belly and slaps me in the face so I pay attention, And he says good little motherfucker you still have half a boner going and grins. I couldnt even feel my dick and I couldnt think I would have anything but only a shriveld dick. And he slides up some till hes sitting on my chest, and I dont even have the power to breth against him, he is like pressing my chest down. And I stare right at his dick in front of my face. I know his dick in and out and I can tell when he is hard and when he is REALLY hard. Now it is really hard and I still think even then it is so fucking hot that even tho he is so hard and turned on his skin still goes over the head (cos hes uncut). So now I'm getting what I had to earn so fucking hard, and I hope I'm not gonna pass out. I know this sounds like real stupid, first I want to pass out and then I don't. I guess I cant make up my mind.

He wants me to turn over cos he likes it doggy the most and he said once he likes it cos its more humiliating for the guys thats getting fucked. It's hot but I like to see him when he fucks me but of course I could never tell him that plus it's not so much his thing. I can't move really, I tried to get up but I couldnt even get my shoulder off higher then maybe an inch and flop back down. But hes now more then good and ready to get off so he dont bother much and just lifts me up. Sucks he's got to take the sec to put the rubber on. This is when I hate it so much that Ive been such a slut and a junkie and got poz. I WISH he didnt have to wear the rubbers and do me for real but of course thats over for my life. Anyway he rams it in and hits me with another knuckle punch in the balls that make me arch up to him even tho a second ago I couldnt even get my shoulder off the futon. I think it wasnt even 2 minutes or so till my boner was bang on and I was riding into fuck heaven again. He's like so awesome when he wants. He kept hitting me in the nuts hard when he was thinking I felt too good but that couldnt stop me anymore. Its what I had to suffer for so bad for so long all evening and after I get so FUCKED UP I want my brains fucked out to no end. This is better then any trip Ive ever been on, and its like after i got hurt so much and he rams his dick in, its like he's flipping my switch inside to "on" and get like a HUGE dose of the endorphens and whatever else. This time was weird cos I was so worn out and exhausted I couldnt even like groan or anything, it was like I was a puppet getting stuck on a stick and shake, and I was like in an ocean and go under all the time till he hit me hard in the balls again and I got to the surface again, and then go under again and so on. But going under felt like really really good. The last thing I remember was I came like crazy and the first shot made like a splash on the wall behind my head.

I woke up and it was still dark and I wanted to look at the clock to see how late it was. Ok this is Friday morning and not really part of the Thursday blog but still, kind of belongs here. You have no idea how hard it was to turn my head and look, I had like NO energy, nothing, and no power. It was just 3:55 am and my bf was sleeping tight. I was like checking all my parts but pretty much everything just hurt and I couldnt move much and didnt really want to anyway. Just closed my eyes and was gone.

Ok the rest goes in the Friday blog, but I got to take a break and smoke and check what my bf is up to. He's been hacking like crazy on 2 of his computers, the ones I'm not allowed to touch. He's got like all these monitors set up around himself when hes working at home, looks like Startrek a little. How can you look at 2 monitors at the same time, or even 6? Anyways, I'll type up the Friday blog next and then I'm up to speed again

Catching up on Wednesday

2008-02-08T21:27:00.002-06:00

Ok. So i didnt get to write something all week so I'm catching up. Wow its like this all just comes out I wish I could talk like this. Yeah well. I'm wondering tho if he ever reads this im gonna be in a world of trouble or he lets me slide. I'm real curious what he thinks but also way scared to tell him. Some day he is gonna find out tho. But its also like I cant stop. And maybe a little so I leave something when I die from the aids when I get it. With the HIV its like I have a noose around my neck and I can drop any second and its over. Most days I dont think about it just every time in the days before I have to go to a checkup again its coming back and like hard. But that was today, on Friday, and I'm still writing for Wednesday.

So Wednesday morning I wake up cos I get cold and when I open my eyes its cos he pulled the blanket away and when I open my eyes he hits me in the balls, like with a total nasty suckerpunch. He LOVES it when he gets me cold like when I'm not thinking he would and I know him so most times I watch out like fuck. Gets me good and I curl up and hold my balls and try not to be so wimpy but then I think it turns him on so finally I get fucked. But nooooo he just gets up and grins and goes to set coffee. Fuck. Then he comes back and holds my T from last night and says seems like today I HAVE to wear one of his and hes ok with it. And tells me to get up and dressed and to get lost. Hes like so cold some days. I'm at work like 1 hour early and in a really crappy mood. The manager is late so everyones their waiting and Shane tries to chat me up some but I'm in no fucking mood and get snappy with him. He's getting ticked off some but then just before I get on his shit list for the day the new guy shows up, like just before the manager and Shane gets all set to make his day miserable and I'm scott-free. Isnt helping my mood tho, and its good I work by myself or someone gets the brunt of my crap. But theirs a lot of customers today so I got busy and the day goes by fast. Shane is on the new guy all day, if he keeps it up to the rest of the week the guy is gonna quit. After lunch it almost looked like he was gonna cry. What a wimp. Just takes the next guy to get on Shane's shit list and he wont have nothing to worry about. Shane can be a total ass tho.

At lunch I go early and by myself. Im feeling crappy and unhappy but i'm hungry and wednesdays they have a special for spagetti. Just $2.99 and its reall not bad or anything. I'm almost done, like just dipping the soce with the bread and my bf calls and says hey dont eat anything today. I know why, hes in the mood to go a little crazy tonight and doesnt want me to throw up. He doesnt even have to say it. I'm thinking should I say I already had the spagetti or should I say ok and just go and make myself throw up right now but then lying is the worst with him and before I can try saying anything theirs this call for number whatever and he knows where I'm at and just says too late huh? So he says we do it tomorrow and thats hes got something to do anyways and hangs up. FUCK. I never do anything right. Now he doesnt even want me to come over tonight. Totally wasnt helping with my mood, I was PISSED OFF at myself. And everyone else. Lucky I dont have much to do with the customers, and I'm just doing my shit and slamming stuff around and just before quitting time I hurt my arm on one of the lift just being mad and stupid. Helped me calm down some tho.

So after work I got my laundry and went to the coin wash place. Only people that dont speak english, only 1 other white guy their and lots of fat womens and little kids but I got to grind it out. I'm like super ticked off but after I got all my stuff done and I'm out of the place I got that behind me at least and I feel better. I was going to go eat something but I feel guilty about eating lunch before my normal lunch time when he called and its like I can punish myself by not eating anything. I was tired anyways so after getting home I went right to sleep. And glad another stupid fucking day without him is over.

Week Update, this is like for Tuesday

2008-02-08T19:43:00.002-06:00

Now its Friday again and I havent written anything all week since Monday. Didnt have no time. Tuesday was like slow and the manager was like griping at everybody cos he didnt get no money in. He was in a shitty mood all day so every one else got kinda pissy too. Shane got in a pissing thing with the new guy and later when the manager was gone for a bit to bitch at someone else Shane punched the guy up some and later tripped him so he fell flat on some grease puddle. Sucks for him to be on Shane's shit list. I dont even know what it was all about. Shanes really not a bad guy but he can be a fucking ass if hes in his sicko mode. Better to watch out and stay away from him. I didnt have much to do all day anyway so I was like thinking what to do after work. If I should just go over to my bf's house or call him or if he maybe calls me or whatever. He didnt call tho and after work I showered real good and clean and went over. He wasnt their and I waited like almost an hour till he showed up. He was OK tho, I think he likes it when I just sit and sit their outside and wait for him, like whenever he comes even if its like really late. He was saying I didnt show up yesterday so if I was thinking today wouldnt be hurting less or what? I dunno what to say anyways so I didn't but I think he wasnt really wanting an anser. So I was figuring ok I get what I missed yesterday and he was gonna make it really painful but that was totally ok with me I had a boner anyways the moment I saw him. He looks so fucking hot in his jeans. I have to ask him for a picture sometime just of the legs how they stack. Looks better on him, on me it never works so good.

But he wasnt just gonna do me like that and plus he got some food, but just for himself, I guess he didnt think I would show or what, cos I didnt call. He gets a lot of chinese food and always with the chopstick i dont like but this time he fed me, like one for him and one for me kinda. I totally like it when hes nice like that. Except for I was so fucking horny, I'd rather had him do something else. Yeah well. So when the food was gone he said he needs a little nappy, long day and all but at least he lets me lie next to him. Of course I strip first and I have a boner like THAT but he's like ignoring it till I'm next to him. He grabs my balls like he always does but more like he holds then and nothing else, and hes like really going to nap. After like 5 minutes or so he says if my boner isnt going down and I wont let him sleep hes gonna make it go away. Like that's helping, my boner only got even stiffer, cos I know whats coming. Since he lying behind me like always, like we're both sideways, he lets go of my balls and gets them again only this time from behind between my legs and puts his other arms around my neck and starts pulling tight so I cant get no air. And then he's like working my balls, squeeze like hes wanting them to go mush and pulling like hes trying to rip them off. Hes doing it like always, like a machine that has like zero feelings and no mercy. I hate it when hes like that and I LOVE it cos hes is doing it like he doesnt care how I feel, only what he likes. He knows me waaay too good whats going on inside me and whats good for me. I can't even scream, I cant even get air. It HURTS, all i can do is like flop around and jerk like crazy, half next to him and half on top. Feeling the cho mein come up, cos my balls feel like their nit to my guts inside and making my stomach go in a spin. Like always he isnt stopping til I am almost out from no air and so much pain and I'm waiting for the endorphens to kick in but its not really coming. Then he quits for like a couple seconds and lets me get some air and im like coughing and crying and cent even see the light on the desk across the room good, cos of all the tears. He lets go of my balls and feels for my boner and I still got it going, hehe. Hes saying in my ear you little horny fucker but its not like hes mad I know he likes it I get off on serious nut pain and hes like just pretending like hes mad I didnt go limp. Hes still got me around my neck and I'm stil trying to get air so my mouth is wide open and he puts 2 fingers in like hes getting some spit for lube but my mouth is like all dry. So he turns me over some so I'm like half under him, and spits in his hand and rolls back and puts it like on my dick head and just plays some. And he jacks me, nut just like 2 or 3 times a little. This is def not working to make my boner go away. I can feel his in my back. I'm game for whatever only with him I neve rknow whats next. He could just be jacking me off, or put me in pain HELL just for kicks or he could choke me out all the way and be fucking my ass when I come around.. I cant just ever know. Only hes got a boner so whatever it is I'm gonna get off. And he will too, cos he wont just get worked up and not get off. I just want it to be really good for him. So he lets his hand just slide down and grabs my balls again and when hes got them tight so I try to inhale like deep and go all tense, he says like 'fine then, jerk off and maybe I can finally get my nap and I'm not stopping till you cum, so get it over with' and turns back so I'm lying on top of him, and he pulls my head back and chokes me again so my head is like next to his, totally bent back. I know he does that so when I jerk around from the pain I'm not banging my head into his. And he's letting my balls have it, a lot worse then before, like hes really for real trying to mush them or rip them off or both, like whatever comes first. Just for panic my left hand is gripping his left wrist but its not like I can make him let go of my balls or nothing but something I can hold onto, plus its hot to feel his muscles that control my balls. With my right hand I'm jerking like crazy but its hard cos with my nutsack and balls hes pulling all the skin down. I want to cum and fast before one of my balls pops or ripps. Its not working just hurting crazy, till I get over the hump where the endorphens finally kick in and I dont fucking care what happens and just dont want him to stop and just FUCK ME UP!!! But like most times its not taking long after getting over the hump and I shoot a big load all over me and some gets on him, cos I can feel him spit some like it got in his face. He is not stopping tho like he said but I knew that. After shooting my cum hes just tensing up his arm around my neck and I know he knows I'm gonna try real screaming in a second and he does that so I wont. And he squeezs my balls like he wants all the last bits of cum to get out and with them all empty it hurts like godmotherfuckingalot and I go beserk. He is just pushing me sideways and we roll off the couch and hes on me with all his weight and all I can do is flop some with my arms and legs and hope its over soon. After I cum its like POFF the endorphens are like gone and it just really fucking hurts and its like just for kicks hes doing double of whats hit and fun. And he soooo knows when its no fun anymore but thats when it gets real good for him. Most times its totally worth it, if it makes him get off really good and some of the fucks then are like real totally awesome. Finally he lets go of my balls and lets me breathe and I can feel HIS boner between my ass checks and on my back, I'm like sobbing and trying to catch air, and I feel like Ive been had and a floor mat, nothing more then a piece of meat to use like he wants to. Hes just moving some, his dick like forward and backwards in my ass crack and I'm like thinking PLEASE fuck me now, good and as hard as you can. But he doesnt, like he's gessed it and wont do it just cos I want him to. So he just fucks my crack till he blows all over my back and thenhe kinda sits up some and says what a fucking mess and gives me headnuckle. And he takes MY tshirt from the chair and wipes my back.

OK so I cant wear that to work tomorrow and I have to use one of his. I totally love wearing his stuff but he hates it so I already know I can grab one of his and if he thinks about it get racked so I'm hurting all day or put my T on with cum on it and someone is gonna say something stupid. I know hes doing it on purpose.

So then hes going back up on the couch and pulls me up to by my ear, and we're like exactly before he started and hes getting his nap and I feel sick and like shit, and try not to puke and not moving around so I wont keep him from napping. Oh god I love him! I feel him fall asleep and he feels so relaxed and his brething is like happy. His left arm is over me, and it feels heavy but thats only cos i'm about to get sick but I dont want to. Its so awesome to feel him next to me, and his arm over me is like it feels protective and also like at the same time like posessive. I feel happy and good in some way but I keep starting to think if I had put up a little fight like he likes it so much maybe I could have made him hurt me a lot worse and got fucked. I'm like thinking I did something wrong, and I wasnt good enough again. Or I chickened out again just like when it really was hurting so bad. Like I deserve it not to get fucked if I didnt do it good enough for him to make him want to rape my ass. I keep thinking he does what he wants anyway and most times he tells me when he really wants me to do something so whatever.

I must have of fell asleep, cos I woke up when he pushed me off on the floor. It was like already 2 in the morning and he's moving on to bed, so I get up and go after him. I'm feeling sick still, my balls got my stomach in a vise grip, but its not anymore like I'm gonna throw up any sec more like I got punched in the guts for 3 hours and no breaks. Hes already under the blanket and its looking like hes gonna go sleep. No good night fuck like always? what did I do wrong today?? So I slip in too and he turns around and says you want a fuck huh? Of course I want to say YES PLEASE but then he's not doing it for sure or he does it so I am DEF!! not gonna like it and if I say no or not really or something, he might fuck me over really bad so I cant go work tomorrow or he might say ok and just sleep. Its like I never know, damn if i say one thing and damn if I say the other. Hes not waiting for what I say anyways and just grabbing my neck down to blow him. Goes fast and hes asleep right after. I feel still real sick so for today its ok by me and I cuddle up after hes really asleep. He seems happy and thats what counts.

Darn

2008-02-04T22:58:00.001-06:00

I should have gone. Now I'm here in my small place and lonely and horny. I could have gotten off good, screw it if he wanted to edge it. I've taken it sooo many times before when I didn't feel like it and was their anyways. Wish he would give me no option just tell me to come over after work. He's not answering his phone maybe he's sleeping. Hope he didn't get himself someone else. No I don't think so he didnt sound like it earlier. I know him pretty good by now and I think I can tell, If I had got the vibe he was wanting to I'd been sooooo over their just in case. This all wouldn't be happening if he'd just let me move in!! Then I'd be their anyways rain or shine. I should just go anyways even when he tells me to stay away. So what if hes coming home real late or what, doesnt matter much if I hang around here all by myself or wait in the truck at his house.

Boring Day

2008-02-04T22:22:00.002-06:00

For a Monday it was real slow at work today... boring. Sat around on my ass most of the day. At lunch me and some of the guys drove over to this big tasco place. Was fun, like 9 of us piling in Greg's old Suburban. Most days I go grab a sandwich or somethin and catnap half an hour in my truck.

Called my bf to see if I could come over after work. A lot of times I just go and wait for him to get home but when I'm like tired or cold I call, been waiting so many times for hours near his place till he got home late. He said yeah if I want but he's in the mood for something thats really gonna hurt so it's up to me if I want or not. He didn't sound like he really wanted me over tonight and I'm still hurting from yesterday and was real tired anyways so I went to my place and like went to sleep a little. I'm always so way behind on sleep. Am kind of glad I could chose to go or not I need a break evryonce in a wile. Tomorrow is another day.

So theirs not really much to tell today. Got nice and warm tho most of the day.

Friday I need to go to my checkup at the doc's again. T-cell counts and all that. Hope he's just gonna say its all good still. Glad when thats over again.

My BF's ex-ex

2008-02-03T23:32:00.001-06:00

I guess I'm not that good at this blog cos I'm forgetting stuff. I was gonna write some about that ex-ex of my bf, the guy on the ranch. I'm like real curious about them. Thats the ex and the guys bf. I know I'm not gonna get to go along. My bf doesnt really say like exactly why, but from what I got, it's like he feels his ex got to say OK or fail to whoever hes bringing their.

Now I don't know if hes not wanting to get a bad signal for like ME or if he wouldn't bring me anyways cos then he'd have to say I'm poz, I cant speak right (like that the guy would figure out easy), maybe not say what all I did before. From what I hear the ex is like my bf, like this righteous thing, like its their way or no way, all us Americans are dumb stupid fucks, you know. But he, thats my bf now, he says his ex is more texan like people born here and I've seen pics and both the guys are like FAT!!!! and they look like country folk. If he hadnt told me I'd think their just normal people like every other redneck I know. But he and his ex they talk a lot on the phone, and like their real close like good friends still. They split up like years ago, many years. All the other ex's of my bf arent like that, most he kinda hates. Except one thats driving me crazy.

I think foreigners are like totally different. I LOVE mine but it's not like I understand him a lot. All the guys I always know, that are gay I mean, they get with a guy, fuck him a while and that it and they dump him and get the next guy. They just call it boyfriends and breakup, cos it sounds nicer. Or you just get to hook up a couple times, bend over as long as its good for the other guy and then its just over and they wont even tell you. OK for me its always been a bit different cos I'm just a fuckup but thats sort of how it goes.

My boyfriend is like totally different from anybody I know. OK some things I've always heard about some foreigners are like totally true. Like he's totally into kink and into ruff. He can't even get a boner for some vanilla stuff. Deep down their all nazis but they get all real mad if you say it. Like this: so he likes to watch all kinds of stuff about WWII but then he goes on and on and on how bad they were and thats its so unfair that everyone thinks of them just as nazi-likers. But hes got a Nazi knife to open his letters with and when we watch some nazi stuff on his TV shows hes getting a HUGE boner and I always get my brains fucked out. Like the other day, he had some documentary about german prisoners after WWII on and they were like POWs of us, and then it was like he took it out on me after. OK I got off like I havent in a while with him but it so fucking hurt. I could totally see him in a nazi camp really fucking over a lot of guys and loving it. thats just one thing.

I think foreigners are like really harsh. It's like their set in one way and theirs like totally absolutely nothing that gets them out of that way. like an engine on a track, try to stop that or get it off the track. Its like, every time I try to say something about why we cant be boyfriends and why I can't move in, it's like NO and he socks me cos hes thinking it got settled once and thats it. Like forever. Or with friends. Its like your his friend or his enemy. And if your his enemy your screwed for LIFE. I've seen like this one guy once. He kinda knew my bf from way back when but was on his bad list but I guess he figured after all this time it was like over or forgiven or whatever. And with like not one word, my bf socks him right in the face and its like bleeding crazy. The guy was like totally surprised and cried but my bf said dude I told you back then to stay the fuck away. That totally blew me away. I mean he wouldnt even talk to him, just BAM and thats that.

In a way I'd love to meet his ex, just cos I would see if their all the same or if thats just him, my bf. I know they cant all be such tuff badasses like him but still.

It's like they've got all these rules that only they know and its like this minefield cos you never know what your stepping on. For my bf its like the number #1 rule: never lie. Thats about the worst thing for him, lying. And then, like betrayal. Its like those can never be forgiven. And once your a friend its like a real friend and its really fucken hard to screw that up whatever you do. I mean its got to be really bad to mess it up then. But cos its so black and white, whats that mean for me? I know he digs me and in some way he cares for me a lot or be wouldnt let me hang around and make me get my ASE and all that. But I cant help thinking if I'm like his ex when he wasnt his ex yet, or just some fuck meat hes just using for a lot longer then most. Now I love when hes talking foreign to me when hes fucking me cos its HOT but its not so nice when hes talking with his ex and I dont know what their talking about. I've heard him say Kevin so their talking about me sometimes but he never tells me what.

It would prolly help me a lot if I could get to meet his ex some day and I'd be on my like totally best behavior but maybe understand him better. Its like I feel so stupid anyways cos my bf can speak other languges and his ex too, and he knows so much about like everything and I dont, and I dont even know all the mines I can step on all the times to fuck things up.

Kinko's and the N-word

2008-02-03T23:15:00.001-06:00

wow I should of have started this blog thing a long time ago. I just looked and what I just wrote got like really long. Its nice to WRITE what I mean, cos with people and SAYING it I can never get it out right. Don't know if this is really good for me, I might just blog me into real trouble with my bf but maybe when I tell him about my blog some time he knows what I feel for him and how much I love him, since I can never get it out all to tell him and he never wants to hear it anyways. Like the "boyfriend" thing, just saying the word is making trouble.

I forgot we went to go to Kinko's after eating, so he could get some box to put a poster in. He's been wanting to visit his ex-ex, like the one guy hes been with for a long time, another foreigner whos now like all cowboy on a ranch way out south. I'm glad the faggy Brokeback Mountain poster is gone. It's like soo (!!) not him, but he says he got it for a present and he thinks his ex and the exs bf like it. I'm just glad when its gone. So at the Kinko's hes asking this guy at the counter for the box (like hes gonna ship it, he just wants it for the drive down to the ranch) and this dude goes all gaga over him. This is like the second time in a day goddamit. He's like hes gonna bend over right their and flirting and running like way back to get just one of them stupid boxes. I gave him like these really mean looks like dude you better fuck the hell off, but the guy is like just ignoring me. My bf was just like amused, he doesnt like it when guys get too giddy anyways and he wasnt his type. Still, I fucking hate it.

But what I was wanting to say is on the way in to the Kinkos theirs like this N*****. I guess I can't say that on here... I set the blog to "adult" and all but... So theirs this black guy and hes like all loud talking to the thing in his ear. I know it's like the headset for his celly but like my bf always says it looks like a hearing aid. I was just wanting to rant about black people. I HATE them. I know its like harsh to say, and their all fucked themself just cos their black. And like me, I should say nothing anyways, cos I'm poz, I got a long record, I can't say nothing right out, I like dick up my ass and lots of kink weird shit, and their just got dark skin. So but still, I HATE black people. Cos their just using it like so much for excuse their all fucked up just cos their black, and they aint got no chance whatever.

But their no better then anyone else. Like, when you got a black guy in front of you and he knows your behind them they make you wait just cos they can, and just cos their black and your white. Or like when they cross the road in front of you. And if they can get a white guy and nobodys looking you get FUCKED UP. I never forget, in juvi, any 1 white guy and a couple black guys and it was HELL on earth. Its like they want to make you pay for whatevers been happening to ALL their people, and just make you alone pay for everything. Thats so fuckin unfair. If you got under a couple times by a bunch of black guys, you would hate them too even if your feeling bad for them like in general.

So when this loud back fucker was waling by yelling at this bug in the ear, I kind ahad to flinch some and I got already ticked off before we even got into the Kinko's.